Another knitting post.

Well I actually did it, I got some wonderful yarn and made a sweater for Aidan. It's not really high quality yarn, but it's really soft and it looks good. I made it with Lion Brand Homespun yarn in "Montana Sky" which is a nice blue, kind of bumpy yarn.

It's too big, I had to knit it when he was sleeping so I just did it. LOL The sleeves and the lower edge have a roll built in. It's hooded, and should have a pocket on the front but I ran out of yarn before I got that far. He likes it ok, but since the sleeves are so long it's a bit of a problem, even rolled up the sleeves tend to slip down over his hands.

I got new glasses

Three or four weeks ago the right lens fell out of my glasses and broke. So I went in for a check up and to order new glasses. They arrived a couple of days ago, but I didn't get the notice until today. So here are a couple of pictures of me with my new glasses. They are the smallest lenses I've ever had, except maybe when I was a small child. The color in the photos is kind of poor, we were inside and didn't want to use the flash. I'll get some better photos soon.

Photo editing.

I finally found a photo editing program with clear directions on how to do what I really wanted to do. And it was FREE! So here is my favorite so far.

It was really very easy. The program is GIMP. There are a few other things I want to do, one of which is to change the back ground.

Pictures of the Furbrains and Aidan.

Here is a picture of litte Tee. He thought he was hunting in the tall grass under the cooler. It was hard to get a good shot of him today. He was very active, pouncing and jumping at the worst possible moment for photos.











This is Kee and Tee. I just got lucky in catching Tee mid-pounce.












Aidan liked this old riding mower. He climbed up on it and pretended to drive it. Here he is looking at his Daddy.













We went to visit Howards cousin Derrail, they have this little picnic table for their grandson, The boys were sitting on it for a time, but Caleb (The grandson) decided to get up. Then he sat on the ground behind Aidan. I knelt down to get a picture of Caleb. Aidan leaned down and peeked at me.

New knitting dilemma.

I've started a sweater for Aidan, I hope I have enough light blue yarn to at least finish the front and the back, I have some white and a multi-colored yarn with blue in it that would make good sleeves, hood and pocket. Or maybe I'll make the sleeves out of the light blue yarn and use the others for the body. Hmmm I might just have to go to the store and get something just for this sweater. Howard isn't really excited about sweaters for boys, but I think they are cool, and I can make one for a lot less than we can buy one for. Besides here in California it doesn't get all that cold so a sweater just might be a good choice instead of a coat. However, if we move back home to Oregon, we will have to find him a coat. Well, actually he has one I'm just not sure if it will fit for the whole winter. But in Salem we can go to the clothing by the pound shop, and maybe there will be something good there. I know that everything will work out ok, because I'll make sure of it. LOL

Cats renamed

Aidan has renamed our cats. The Mama cat was named Miss Psycho Kitty Furbrains McMillen, and the little boy kitty was Monster Child Furbrains McMillen. Now they are just Kee and Tee. Key is probably actually Ki, short for Kitty, and Tea, is probably actually Ty another shortened Kitty. But he knows which one is which and calls them by those names every time. I kind of like the new names anyway. But I'm going to keep the Furbrains part.

Blog stuff.

So you ever feel slighted by your on-line friends? For example, I submitted a comment to a blog I visit every day, and she never approved it. No explanation, nothing. It's not really a big deal, but for some reason I feel hurt by it. I almost don't want to visit her blog any more. It's such a small thing, but for some odd reason it's grown to be a very large thing in my mind. I'll get over it soon enough I'm sure.

My other favorites seem to be doing okay, although one of them has decided to stop blogging for now. I'll miss her, she has 2 little boys. One of them is a little older than Aidan and the other is a little younger. They live in England. It's been a lot of fun and very informative as well. But I understand her reasons and I support her choice.

I wish more of my family would write blogs, so I could keep up with what is happening with them. So far my 2 sister friends have blogs, and a couple of our friends. (actually my sister-friends are much closer to them than I am.) My son Chris has a blog, but he doesn't post often at all. That's it, everyone else I read on a regular basis are on-line friends, some of them don't even know I read them I'm sure. I have posted comments on a couple of them though.

I really admire those who have blogs. Keep it up. Inform us, help us, entertain us, keep your friends and family up to date on what you are doing. It is appreciated, even if no one says so.

Childhood perspectives.

It's interesting how we have a different perspective when we are children. Allen thinks I'm a TV addict, because the TV was on most of the time when he was little. But if he had been just a little bit more observant he would have noticed that I was reading or doing some craft or writing or something. The TV was background noise for me. Music was too distracting for the most part so I didn't listen to the radio or tapes often. I can't deal with the quiet either, so I needed something and TV was perfect. Neither of the boys were all that into TV either, Allen was more interested in people and being outside, Chris was into computers and reading. TV was background noise for them too, I think. But Allen thinks I was watching TV all that time, probably because of the few programs I really did watch. To a child it probably did seem like I watched a lot of TV, especially since he didn't watch much at all. Oh well, I doubt I could get him to change his view of it, so I won't even try.

Aidan is a lot like Allen in a couple of really important ways. First of all, he eats only when he wants to. Some days he eats and eats and eats, and other days he hardly eats at all. Allen used to be like that when he was younger. Aidan is pretty active, like Allen was, and he isn't all that interested in the TV. So I'm hoping that Aidan will be in much better shape than I am in. I am hoping he will be more like Allen and will be slim.

Aidan kisses Dora

So far Aidan hasn't had much preference about the things he wears. As long as he has clothing enough to keep warm or be allowed outside he is fine. I think that is going to change soon though. A couple of days ago we were grocery shopping, we were in the cereal section, when Aidan spotted Dora on a box of KIX, he doesn't usually eat KIX, but he just had to have THAT box. He even kissed her picture on the front of the box! I wonder how long it will be until he sees a shirt with one of the Backyardagains on it and just has to have it. He only watches about 10 minutes of any show right now, so maybe it will be longer than I think. I hope so, because those cloths are expensive! Oh and right now he is between sizes, his 2T pants are getting short, above his ankles, and 3T's are about 2 inches too long as well as a bit too big around the waist. I did hear that Levis slims are good for little boys who are not chubby. I'll have to look into them.

On a different note, Aidan has developed a taste for grapes. He still likes apples, oranges, peaches, blueberries and pears, but he would turn all of those down to have some grapes. Like most kids he likes candy and other sweets, but give him fresh fruit and he's happy. I'm trying to keep things balanced for him, not deny him sugar but keep a limit on it. He eats fairly well, he likes veggies, fruit, eggs, and dairy products. Some days he eats a lot of food, some days he eats a little food. The only problem I have with him is that he won't drink water. So I'm slowly watering down his juice and koolade hoping that he will eventually be ok with drinking plain water.

This and that.

This is proof that Howard is teaching Aidan bad habits. LOL I know that it was an almost empty milk jug. It didn't have enough left in it for a glass, but they both got a talking to about it.



Wish us luck, we have started on the long rocky road known to parents as Potty Training. It may still be a little early, in terms of his vocabulary and desire, but we are trying to set the stage for later advancement. He has training pants, and Howard got him some pull-ups kind of things at the store the other day. So far Aidan has peed in the toilet a couple of times, but still no poop. He doesn't tell me when he has to go, and I don't think he even cares if he is wet or poopy. But he does have a little seat that fits on the toilet seat, and a step stool so he can reach it by himself. I'm hoping that when it's really the right time he will do it just as quickly as he did when he moved to his bed from his crib.

Aidan is now saying "Thank you" and "Be careful" in pretty much the correct situations. He says "Cake" and "Coke" but neither of them usually mean actually cake or coke. Coke means that he wants something to drink, and cake means he wants a treat. Grapes are cake, fruit snakes are cake, and cake is cake. Milk and juice are coke, and any carbonated drink is also coke. But we are working on it. He still calls all animals Buddy. He knows that our kitten is a baby so he calls him Baby, and the Mom kitty is Kitty, as if they are named Baby and Kitty.

No news about a bigger house, or a job. There are possibilities though, so maybe I'll have good news for you all soon. It's about time that we finally have something good happen for us. But at least we have each other, and even though we are rather poor and live in a junky little house we are happy to be together.

Operation Eden

Here at Operation Eden a talented young man tells the story of the little town, Pearlington Mississippi, his Mother and brother live in. He has taken some wonderful pictures of the people and devastating pictures of the damage that hurricane Katrina did there. He has of a list of things that the people there need, things that are not getting to them through the Red Cross or FEMA. Like most blogs you need to start at the bottom and read upwards. He has a talent with photos as well as words. Check it out if you have the time.

I was going to post yesterday, but Blogger was down for a scheduled maintains. It was supposed to be only one hour, but 2 hours after it was supposed to be finished I still couldn't get on. This morning I don't remember what I was going to say. Oh well.

I had to get a new key board. Aidan spilled juice on my old one. It was 7 years old, and ergonomic style keyboard. So now I am having to get used to this new one. It's just a cheap traditional keyboard. The design is a little different, and of course the board it's self isn't split like my old one, so I keep hitting the wrong keys. (sigh) I'll get used to it, and my typing speed will get back to normal soon enough.

Aidan has learned to say "I love you too." It actually sounds more like "Of you too." But it is so sweet to hear. He has been watching Dora lately, and says "Backpack" but not when they ask kids to say it during the show. LOL He know what the backpack is though, because he points to it and says "Backpack". I'll have to see if he knows his backpack is a backpack.

Yesterday DJ turned 1. I wish I cold have been there to give him hugs and kisses and plenty of love. It was really nice spending so much time with him back in February. I miss my family so much! And my friends! I'm hoping that we can get back to Oregon pretty soon. I just don't know when that will be.

Tears of love.

I read The Girl almost everyday. This morning I got all teary eyed, because I wish I could be there to help her, because I love her and her family. And because I can't be there. I'm sure she knows that I love her, that I would do anything possible for her. However, I can't do anything about this particular situation. I have every confidence that she will be able to handle whatever life throws her way. Go in love, Little Sister.

Except for allergies I'm feeling much better now. Whatever it was went away almost as suddenly as it came. Thank goodness.

I'm thinking about baking some cinnamon rolls tonight or tomorrow. I've been wanting cinnamon rolls the last couple of days. Maybe I'll bake some bread too ... Maybe not. LOL It's getting easier to do things while Aidan is awake. He likes to pretend he is washing dishes while I cook. So I give him some plastic plates and cups and turn of the cold water. He will happily "wash" them for up to half an hour with out getting bored. Sometimes there is water on the floor but that's not too much of a problem considering I can do things in the kitchen and not have to worry about where he is and what he is doing.

Now that everything is finally cleaned up after my visitors this summer, I hope I can keep it up. That will keep my life more relaxed. We still haven't heard about moving, Howard is really getting tired of California. He would pack up today and go back to Oregon, if we had enough money to get a U-Haul. I'm a little more cautious. I'd like to have a plan before we do anything. I'd also like to have the adoption finished. But I don't know if that is going to happen. It could take 6 months or more, once we figure out how much money we will need. I have read that a home study isn't necessary, so that would save some money, if that is true. There are also ways to have some of the fees waived. I think it would be easier, and quicker to do it here. Aidan was born here and there are plenty of people who could testify about the situation. Oh well, I guess we will do what we have to do when we can.

Unknown illness.

I've had head aches and upset stomach for the last 3 days. All I've really wanted to do is sleep. That is something really hard to do when I have a family that doesn't seem to be able to function with out my help. Actually they do fine for the most part, but neither of them are used to not having me around to do things, so some things don't get done. I think I'm feeling better tonight so maybe it's past.

I need to e-mail my Mom to let her know that we aren't going to have a cell phone for a little while. We can't afford it right now, the service we were using didn't have a good connection around here, no connection in the house, and the battery on the phone wouldn't hold a charge very long. We tried to take it back to the store, and they said that they couldn't even order a new battery for us we would have to call the main office and talk to them. The main office told us to go to the store and refused to believe we had already done that. I need to let her know because I was calling every week-end and I don't want her to think I'm upset or anything.

Comment for charity.

This wonderful man will donate $1 to help those suffering from Katrina, for every one who comments to his post. He asked that the link be shared around the internet, so here it is. Go on over and post a comment. While there you might want to check into the rest of his blog, he's a writer with a book almost ready to present to publishers. I found this on His blog.

A story of a cake and a boy, in pictures.

More words!

Today Aidan came over to me and said "Gi me fie." and held his hand out palm up. It was so exciting that he said some thing new and knew exactly what it meant. So I "gave him five" as asked and he said it again. We played this game for a few minutes, then he got distracted by something across the room.

What Aidan is up to now.

Right now we are watching Sesame Street, they are singing the "School" song in Elmo's world. For those of you who don't know about Elmo's world, all the songs are sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells" and the words are repeated over and over. So the "School" song goes something like this: "School, school, school. School, school, school." I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, Aidan is standing in front of the TV singing with them! What he is singing sounds like "Cool, cool, cool." but it is obvious that he is singing and dancing with Elmo and the others. It's the first time he has done this, and the first time he has used the word School.

He has also started to say "Eww, yucky!" when someone farts. Sometimes he uses it when he doesn't want something, or if he isn't hungry and is offered something to eat. He still doesn't say important words like "hungry or thirsty" or any other words to get what he wants. He does often say "thank you", and sometimes "you're welcome". It seems like he is making some progress with talking. My Mom thinks he doesn't talk because he doesn't have to, that might be part of it but I think it's more than that.

Happy Birthday!

Today my son, Allen, turns 23! I so, enjoyed his visit but wish that it had been able to last until his birthday, so that I could have been with him. Oh well, I'm sure he has plans. Anyway, even though I know he doesn't read blogs, I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my sweet little boy.
(Ok so he isn't so little any more, but he is sweet.)

Word verification turned on.

I got my first comment spam today. I deleted it and turned on the word verification for comments. Now when you comment you will have to verify that you are a real person and not a bot. I'm sorry it's a bit of an inconvenience.

Summer 2005

I was playing around with the photo editing program that came with my printer/scanner and added text to some of them.

Here are a few of my favorites.

Photos

Belinda and Allen.


Xander with Belinda in the back ground. I'll post some more when I can find the camera.

Everyone went home.

Saturday we all went to Turlock so the kids could play in the park with Cody's kids. I think that Xander had a good time with the kids, Aidan couldn't really keep up with them all the time but he had a good time as well. Then we went to Cody's house and I was able to visit with Kelly and everyone until about 11PM! It was great. But then we had to come home. Allen, Xander and Belinda had to stay at Cody's so that they could go to San Francisco Sunday. I miss them so much. Sunday evening my Mom came down from Cody's and stayed until this morning. Now all I have left is dirty dishes, and a house that feels very empty all of a sudden!

I enjoyed spending time with Xander, we were able to talk some. He is really fun to have around. I wish I lived closer to him so we could spend more time together. I enjoyed Allen and Belinda as well.

Now I have to figure out how to stop feeling so alone! I didn't really realize that I missed my family so much, until they were here.

They are here!

Allen, Xander and Belinda made it here early this morning. It was about 3:45 AM when the called to get directions. By 4 they were here. They all laid down for a little bit. My Mom, who had driven them down here, slept for almost an hour. Then she went up to my brother Cody's house. Right now Allen and Belinda are still asleep, Xander woke up a little while ago. We are watching Dora the Explorer, because I'm too tired to do anything else with him right now. Maybe I'll get a nap later. Howard is working with his cousin right now, but when he gets back he is planning to fill the ring on the top of the pool with air and fill the pool so that this afternoon the boys can play in the water. I know there will be lots to tell you all about this visit, I'll try to update often.

Things I am not happy about.

Feeling like 95 degrees is a relief from the heat!

BUGS! I can't seem to get rid of the bugs, I've cleaned and sprayed and squashed, and still the ants keep coming! We've had other bugs as well, even the dreaded roaches. (I think we are actually making progress but I've had to resort to bug sprays and unpacking things I didn't want unpacked.)

Terrible two's! Especially because he doesn't talk enough yet to tell me what he wants.

Diapers! We are trying to potty train Aidan, but since he doesn't say "potty" or anything else it's kind of frustrating for all of us, but I hate changing diapers so I have to knuckle down and do it.

Feeling tired so much of the time.

All the aches and pains that go with being older and overweight.

feel free to repost as a statement against homophobia

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Snagged from Purple Goddess. Who got it from Flidhais

Allen and Aidan updates.

Allen called yesterday, they are in Oregon and doing well. I guess they missed their flight and had to wait 6 hours for another. But everything is fine now. They are planning on leaving to come down here on either the 20th or the 21st. Hooray! I can't wait to see them.

Aidan update: He still calls all animals "Buddy", but he thinks our cats name is "Kitty". He says Buddy strangely too. Something like "Buh-DEE". He reminds me of Allen when he was this age, not the talking specifically, just in general. He will eat a lot on some days, and almost nothing on others. He is thin, but not skinny. He would always rather be outside than inside, no matter how hot, cold, wet, or windy. He hasn't figured out that rules are always rules, he seems to think that it's ok to do something later even though we told him not to before.

August visits.

Allen, Belinda and Xander are going to be in Oregon today! Actually I'm not sure it will be today, or tomorrow, but I like to think it's today. Later this month they will down here for a few days before going back to NYC.

I don't think I've seen Xander for nearly 4 years. I've seen pictures, of course, and I've talked to him on the phone several times over the years. I hope that he won't be too bored while he is here, and that we can figure out enough vegetarian food for everyone to be happy.

I am really worried that things won't be right during their visit. Our house is so small, it's summer and we can't get rid of the bugs. It's going to be hot, I don't know very much about vegetarian cooking, and I don't have much for a 6 year old to do.

I hope that Aidan will not cause too much of a problem, I know that Belinda doesn't want to have any kids, two year olds can be quite a pain for even the most tolerant of people. I haven't met her so I don't know he feelings about kids. She might love them, enjoy playing with them, be tolerant of every little quirk even the worst behaved child can have, but just doesn't feel the desire to have any of her own for her own reasons. Or she could be nervous around kids, quickly irritated by them and grossed out by the thought of grubby little hands touching her. I'm sure that she wouldn't be coming to visit if she really felt the latter, I'm sure that Allen has told her enough about us that she knows how things are around here. But I worry anyway. I want her visit to be good, I want to get to know her and to become friends with her. Especially if she is going to be in my son's life, and the life of my Grandson.

I want Xander to be happy while he is here as well. In fact I'm more worried about how he will feel about Aidan than anyone else. 6 year old boys and 2 year old boys don't have a lot in common. It can be quite annoying when someone keep bothering you, Aidan is good at that. (Oh, and I'm sure Xander won't like being called a baby. That's what Aidan says when he sees kids, to him they are all babies.) From what my Mom and Dad say Xander is a very nice and polite child, so I'm sure that he won't make a big fuss, but I don't want his visit to feel uncomfortable to him.

It will be okay I'm sure. I'm just looking forward to this visit so much! I want everything to be as perfect as possible. (Sigh)

"Everything will be fine. Everything - Will - Be - Fine." Whisper to myself.

Adagio Tea

This place has some really great teas. I like their paper filters which are kind of like tea bags but allow you to fill them with the tea you like best. Howard can take them to work and make a cup of tea without any mess. I would like to have this for here at home. I don't drink a lot of tea, but I might if it were easier. Howard like Herbal teas, I think I'd go for Green or Black myself. Anyway, if you get the chance check them out. Try their teas. I think you'll like it.

Family

I've been thinking a lot about family lately. I know that I am lucky to have a relatively close relationship with my family. I don't have a lot in common with my brother Cody, except that we both have young children. But we seem to get along pretty well for the most part. Mark and I are great friends. We think alike on several issues, but can debate without anger on those issues we differ on. My Mom is one of my best friends, and I love my Dad very much. I never had a sister though. I think I would have liked to have one.

Some Native American groups have interesting family relationships. Along with the blood relatives there are also family by choice. They call them, as close as possible a translation into English as we can, Sister/Brother/Mother/Father/Uncle/Aunt Friends. You treat these people the same way you would blood family. They have the same rights and responsibilities.

I've thought about finding a Sister Friend to help fill that place in my life. I know of two young ladies that I already feel very close to. In fact one of them might already fit that description, at least she used to. We used to go to the SCA together, and our background story was that we were sisters. We even told people at school that we were sisters. We were often told that there was a family resemblance between us. LOL I'm 45 and she is 30 so it's possible. Especially since my Mom had me when she was only 16, so she would have been only 31 when my sister was born.

The other woman I'd like as a Sister Friend also turned 30 recently. Like me she is the oldest, but she has sisters as well as brothers. She is strong and supportive, and a very loving woman. If I could design a perfect sister for me, I would want her to be as close as possible to my friend. One of the best things about these two women, is the fact that they are best friends.

California living.

This morning, when I took Howard to work, at 8:50 AM, the Walgreens sign, you know the kind that shows the time, the temp. and whatever specials are going on now, read 84 degrees! At 8:50! It's supposed to be around 104 or so later today. I don't do well in the heat, the cold hurts, but I can put on more cloths and it's fairly easy to warm up, but cooling off is not so easy. There are only so much you can do. We are told to conserve energy, or we might experience rolling brown outs. Have I mentioned that I don't want to live in California any more?

In other news, Allen is going to be on the West Coast next month! Xander and Belinda are going to be with him! I'm so excited! I can hardly wait. I'm not sure what we will do when they are here at my place, I'm not sure where we will put them. But we will work it all out. I just hope that they will have a good time and will enjoy their visit as much as I expect I will.

I'm still going through and sorting stuff here in the living room, after I'm done in here, I'll go through the boxes in Aidan's closet, maybe he will actually have space in there for his stuff someday! I really want out of this house, and out of this State, but in the mean time I have to make do with what I have.

I pre-ordered the new Harry Potter book months ago, I just got an e-mail saying that it's going to be delayed until the 20th. I was supposed to get it the 16th, so I could get it without all the hassle in the store. Now it looks like I should have just waited and gone through the lines anyway. I did save a few dollars with the pre-order, so maybe it's worth it after all. (sigh) Oh well, it's too late to do anything about it now. Next time I'll think about it a little bit more.

The room after a couple of days.

This is the way Aidan seems to like his room! Almost all his toys are on the floor.

Aidan's room

Here are a few pictures of Aidan's room when all the toys are put away. The closet is full of boxes, and other stuff.



This is his bed. The sheets are purple for the top sheet and the bottom sheet is black. The comforter has a fireman theme. There is a box under the toys, somewhere. It used to be one of those red recycle boxes. We can't recycle curbside here so we use it for toys.

At the head of his bed he has this big Mickey Mouse. These are his favorite trucks he likes to sleep with them. His little plastic wagon is under the dump truck. I didn't use a flash, so the pictures are all slightly yellow even with the fixes my picture program has. I have a couple of pictures of what his room looks like afterwards. Maybe I'll post them later. I'm using the new option for uploading pictures, I'll have to get used to it to figure out placement. But I think I like it, because I can do more than one at a time.

Toes, nose and throat.

My toes are doing much better. I still think the middle one is broken, but it's healing. It itches like crazy. I caught some kind of sinus/head cold/sickness from Howard. The pressure and the head ache it caused was awful, the post nasal drip down the back of my throat caused it to feel like I'd swallowed a hand full of razor blades. Thank goodness that only lasted 4 days! I'm almost back to normal now. Unfortunately I have to catch up on a weeks worth of dirty dishes. Howard is a wonderful man who took over child care and dinners while I was feeling sick. But he hates washing dishes even more than I do. So they stacked up. Hopefully I'll be able to stand at the sink long enough to do a drainer full a couple times a day until they get caught up. Then I can get back into the purging of things we really don't need. I'm a real pack rat, I'd like to end that habit.

Maybe I'll post some pictures of Aidan's room, when it was actually cleaned up. I haven't done any painting or other decorating in there yet, it's just his bed and his toys. But that's enough. LOL He has several large stuffed toys, lots of Large blocks, small stuffed toys, and cars and trucks in all sizes.

Around noon today, I dropped a board on my foot. I think my middle toe is broken, it's swollen and hurts just to touch it. Of course the board broke the skin on two of my toes, the middle one and the one next to the big toe, so I had to put bandages on them. Now the middle one hurts even more. I'd take a picture but I'd have to remove the wild animal bandages that are on them.

I'm going through things again. Tossing even more stuff. Unfortunately that means that the living-room is pretty messy as I sort through things. Now that I hurt my toes, I'm going to have to re-evaluate what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. I think one of my end tables is going to get taken out. One leg came off when we moved in here. I might be able to fix it, but it will probably always be weak. If I do fix it I'll try to find someplace to put it where it won't get abused by Aidan who seems to think that tables are for playing on.

The heat of summer has finally hit. It will be in the 100's for the next few days. I hate the heat! Well, at least my cooler is working, it makes things bearable. I hope you all can keep cool, and enjoy the summer.

One word.

From Jennifer St. Clair

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me.
It can only be one word.
No more.
Then copy & and paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.

Updates

Everything is back to normal now, I'm not constantly worried about Aidan getting lost. I still keep a close eye on him, but I always did that. I'm even less worried about letting Aidan go outside with Howard. I realize that Howard was just as scared as I was, and has learned something about being a parent.

Aidan can count to 10! Well, I'm not sure that anyone but Howard and I would know that is what he is doing. LOL He sometimes skips 6 or 7, but he loves 3, 8, 9 and 10. He still isn't talking very much. It's starting to get frustrating for him and for me. Maybe the frustration will help him want to talk more. It's fun watching him learn new things. I'm thrilled with his love of books, even though he won't often sit still long enough for me to read one to him. He will sit down on his own and look at them and pretend to read one of them. He still loves his cars and trucks best of all his toys, he even likes to sleep with them. I'll have to get a picture of that one of these days.

I want to paint the rest of the kitchen, but I don't know when there will be time for it, actually time enough without Aidan getting underfoot.

Over the week-end

This week end was pretty busy for us. Friday Howard worked with his cousin Jimmy, while Aidan and I just went about our normal day.

Saturday we went shopping at Ross again. This time the store had a more normal amount of customers. We found a nice pair of slacks for Howard to wear to work. (I don't think I mentioned before, but Howard is working part time temporary for the City of Atwater. It's a possibility that it could develop into a permanent full time job eventually.) The slacks were only $14, the original price tag was $50 so we felt like we did pretty well on them. I found a cute orange t-shirt with Scooby Doo on the front for Aidan and Howard found a set of Spiderman summer pajamas. I got another pair of jeans, a pair of purple velvet lounge pants, and a top that Howard likes but I'll never wear in public because I have to wear it braless and at my age gravity is taking over if you know what I mean. LOL We spent close to $10 on Aidans stuff, and about $17 on my stuff.

Sunday we woke up a little later than usual, Aidan and I got up and let Howard sleep a little bit longer, then we went in to wake him up and give him his card and the cereal box. We had fun playing together. Then I made breakfast. Aidan and Howard playing together until nearly lunch time. We decided that we had to do laundry and that we wanted it to take as little time as possible, so we went to the laundry mat. Now we have lots of clean cloths. We had lunch at a little sandwich shop next door to the laundry mat. After that we went out to a family reunion. It was actually Jimmy's family (The side Howard isn't related to) but they wanted us to be there anyway. It was really nice, it was held in the yard of one of the family. They had 2 bouncy houses, games and wading pools and lots of kids. Everything was great until I asked Howard to watch Aidan so I could visit with out worrying about where he was. (The yard wasn't fenced and there was a road where people seemed to drive extra fast.) I guess Howard let Aidan out of the bouncy house, and thought he was going to me. I never saw him although some other people had seen him behind me for a while. Anyway, I went looking for Aidan over with Howard, he didn't know where he was. We started looking around, behind the cars, in the house, in the tents ... everywhere.

About 30 people from the reunion helped search. I was getting more and more upset, when someone mentioned the canal and asked if anyone had looked there. I almost fainted when I thought he might have fallen in. A minute or so later someone called "We found him!"

Aidan had walked down the road pretty far, I'm thinking that the distance to the corner where he was found is about the same distance as a normal block and a half. Some people found him and were going house to house searching for where he belonged. When I got my hand on him, I was crying and telling him that he did something very naughty and hugging him and wanting to spank him all at the same time! We left the reunion soon after that, because I was so upset.

I was very angry with Howard. He was supposed to watch Aidan, and didn't do a good enough job of it. I'm still a little angry, I follow Aidan everywhere he goes, or at least keep an eye on him at all times. I'm scared to let Howard watch Aidan if they are going to be outside, what if he gets busy with something and Aidan gets away from him again? What if the next time we are not so lucky? I think I'd loose it if something happened to Aidan. (Any of my sons actually.) I'm still shaking inside.

I hope you all had a good week-end.

The Father's Day thing.

Father's Day Cereal box.
I'm not sure why it's so blurry, but this is the best of 6 pictures, so there you go. It's a mini cereal box, the one serving size. The brand name across the top says "Aidan's Best Cereal" The kind of Cereal is "Father's Day Puffs" and the little blurb under the title says "Chocolate goodness for Daddy!" I think you can see the picture ok, but if not it the Cool kid picture from a few days ago. I actually put cereal in the box, Cocoa Puffs. It was fun making it!

Home Made Father's Day.

Thanks to Shylah I found a special home made Father's Day gift for Howard. It's at Mr Breakfast . I'll post pictures in a little bit, so you probably have already seen what I did. Now all I have to do is wait until Sunday. (Have I mentioned that I hate to wait? LOL)

Monday positives.

A few things I'm thankful for:

A pool to cool off in.
A happy healthy child.
The chance to do things I want to do.
Owning my own home, so I can so whatever I want to.
My friends and family.

Introspection

I've been thinking about my own need to make peace within myself. It's not that there is all that much chaos, or anger, or other disruption in reality but the little bit that there is I'd like to resolve. I think I need to accept myself, faults and all. I need to be completely happy with myself. That's the hardest part. I already feel that I accept the people closest to me faults and all. I accept that I can't change the things seem to me to be faults. I am very happy with my life as it stands now. All the faults in my life are actually just things I'd like to have. (More money, a bigger home). There are a few thing from the past that I need to really look at and let go. Self doubt and disappointment are the main hurdles I have to cross.

Aidan driving his go cart. 

The toy fish. 

Playing with the toy fish. 

Aidan is cool! 

A to do list.

Since we are going to be staying here in this little place I'm starting to make plans about the improvements I want to make around here.

1. 2 10x10 storage sheds. (because we need a building permit for anything bigger. I need one for storage and one for the washer dryer and freezer that we can't fit into the house.)

2. New windows and doors in the whole house.

3. A new floor, and carpet or wood laminate flooring through the whole house.

4. Remodel the bathroom completely.

5. Paint inside and out.

6. A fence around the yard

7. Plants, flowers and outside toys.

I don't know that we will get any of this done, but if we can set up a budget and Howard can work enough for Jimmy to get the materials, maybe we can make a good dent in the list. Jimmy said that he can get materials for the sheds for free, if the rules for such things allows for wooden sheds rather than metal ones. He said they can get the stuff and build both sheds in a week-end, even with all the interruptions that seems to happen when you would rather not be interrupted.

Trivia game,

I'd like to invite you to join my Daily Trivia Challenge for those of you who are in the Friends and Family Yahoo group, this is the same game. I'm going to put a link here in my links section. I hope you enjoy it, although right now it's set really easy because I wanted to get an idea of how it will work and what people will like.

Aidan and I.

I am feeling so very tired lately. I can barely get enough energy to get out of bed in the morning. I should check into getting some vitamins or something. If I were younger and still able to get pregnant I'd suspect that. Of course this could be symptoms of impending menopause, with it's hormonal shifts. I wouldn't mind either situation, but I would like it to hurry up and get past this drained feeling.

Aidan is growing and learning new things all the time, he is fairly normal for a 2 year old boy. His language skills are slowly improving but I still think he is behind where he should be. There are times he says things that completely blow me away. Like the other day he said "Shut up, bad dog." When Buddy was barking. I usually tell Buddy to "Be quiet" sometimes I will say something else like "There's nothing to bark at." Howard says "Shut up, Buddy" when he is here. I don't think that anyone says "Bad dog". So he wasn't just repeating what we say. But he still says, bite to mean that he is hungry, or thirsty, or that he sees something he thinks would be good to eat. He doesn't say Mama or Mommy, but he does say A-dad for Daddy. He is a good boy, active and curious, but in general he is very good. I am enjoying him very much.

Personally, I am split between wanting to work and wanting to stay home. It sometimes feels like two personalities, the one that loves working with people and wants to have a satisfying job, and the one that is happy to be home taking care of Aidan, cooking, cleaning, and all the rest of the traditional Mom things. Over all, I'd have to say that I am happy with my life. I don't have much money for extras, but all of the basics are taken care of. I'd like to go back to Oregon, but I can make it here if I have too.

Nothing new.

I'd like to say that something exciting has happened, or that I've had some kind of epiphany. But the truth is, my life is boring. Nothing is happening around here at all, except that it's starting to get hot. I'm still not doing anything creative. It looks like we will not be moving after all. The Park was sold recently and the new owners have fired the manager. He was the one who was going to get the double wide for us. So, since he is going to be leaving in the next 30 days or so I doubt it's going to happen. Other than that nothing new around here.

Genealogy

I've been lucky the last couple of weeks. I have an on-line subscription to a Scrapbooking magazine. Theyt had worked out a deal with Ancestry.com to allow access to the 1930 federal census. I was able to find all of my Grandparents, and their families. As well as a couple of Uncles who were either out on their own or were married already. I was able to find my fathers mother, she was only 12. I learned her mothers name, my Dad never knew it because he always called her Grandma. Her name was Cordelia. I found it interesting to discover that my Grandaddy, my Dads Dad, worked as a stenographer when he was 21. This also gives me some approximate birth years for some of the family members that we didn't have information on. I feel happy and satisfied with this information. I plan to get a years membership as soon as my Credit Card will handle the cost. It's almost $200. It will give me access to several census', as well as other databases. I really enjoy the research and I get a ... thrill when I find that elusive ancestor.

Cars and trucks

Aidan has discovered cars and trucks. He loves them. He even takes them to bed with him. I mentioned the book he picked out yesterday, it's about BIG TRUCKS! He usually loves to go out and play in the truck with his Uncle Jimmy, until today. Actually he still likes going out there as long as his book stays in the house. He didn't want Jimmy to read his book, and tried to hand it out the window to me. I don't know what he was thinking would happen to his book but he did not want it out there. In the end they did look at it together, and then Aidan climbed out the window, into my arms, carrying the book. Jimmy teased him by trying to grab the book. Aidan glared at him and tucked the book under his arm and turned away. It was funny.

I've been wanting to paint lately, but with Aidan around it's not an easy thing. If I had the time and the talent I'd like to paint some trucks on his wall, I don't know exactly what I'd do, but it would have trucks and cars and maybe even some tractors. Maybe I can find a stencil or something. Hmmm now I'm going to have to go looking around the internet for things I can use. Then I'll have to find the paints I'd want to use, and then figure out how to do it and how to get Aidan out of the way. Which means that it probably won't happen for awhile. I tend to start out all gung ho for a project, then as the problems build up I start to loose enthusiasm for it and eventually it gets left unfinished, or maybe even unstarted. But if I can get it done it will be really cute.

Shopping woes.

Remind me never to go to any store on it's opening week-end. We just got a Ross Dress for Less in Merced. Sometimes you can find good deals on things there. Howard and I decided to stop in and check them out. I didn't realize that it was opening week-end, that is until we walked inside. The place was a mad house, so many people! Children running loose with out parents any where close, and brand new cashiers. After I found a cute little outfit for Aidan (it was $7.99 for overalls and t-shirt) he spotted a book on Big Trucks. His favorite things are cars and trucks right now. So, for $3.99 I got that for him as well. I found a pair of jeans that fit me almost perfectly (I can make the adjustments needed) for $12.99, and a box for our mail for $3.99. We walked around a little more then got in line. Trust me to pick the slowest moving line in the whole store! I spent one and a half hours in that line. I guess someone was arguing about the prices on everything she had picked out, and then had a voucher which took extra work to get put into the register. Then it was shift change. Once I got to the check out, the girl was really sweet, but slow. She apologized for the delay and told me that almost all the cashiers were new to this job as of today. Oh well, Howard and Aidan went looking around while I stood in line, and then went out to the car so that we didn't have a whinny 2 year old in line for that long. I am pleased with my purchases, but I'll make sure that the next time we go over there it will not be any kind of special occasion.

Procrastination

I've been putting things off, or forgetting to do them. For example, I really should finish painting the kitchen, but since Aidan isn't napping much any more I've been putting it off. I got the upper cupboards painted. (Did I tell you all about the paint?) I've also forgotten to mail Allen a book he left here in November, and some pictures of him when he was little. There is no real reason why I've been so lax with that. I just don't think of it when I'm going out of the house, or I'll be out of money at the time I do think of it. Or I'm sure I'll get around to it later. (sigh) I really need to get that package mailed, and finish the kitchen, and maybe even paint the bathroom.

When a boy meets a girl.

Yesterday we were Walking through Pier One for some ideas, when Aidan discovered a beautiful little girl named Bella. She was wearing a cute little pink tank top, it looked like it was made from a cotton type fabric and was embroidered with a nice geometric design, her skirt matched. Aidan loves feet and shoes so her pink platform thongs with the beads and flowers on the straps were of great interest to him. Bella was sitting on a red couch with bright colored cushions. At first Aidan just sat down near her, but then he moved closer and tried to kiss her. She refused, and leaned back to keep her face away from him. He wanted to hug her, but she wouldn't. She talked to him and asked me questions. I'd guess her to be about 3 or 4 years old, because of her language skills. She was only an inch taller than Aidan though. He didn't want to leave her, but when he finally did, to go try out a blue couch, she followed. He still wanted to kiss her, and she still refused. They were so cute together. It makes me wonder what I have to look forward to as he grows up. He IS only 2, you know.

My baby is growing up.

I've been noticing how different things are raising Aidan than it was with Christopher and Allen. I always had a little sadness that Chris and Allen were growing up. I'm sure many of you have at least heard a Parent say something like "He's growing up too fast!" or " I wish he could stay a baby longer." That is how I felt with the older boys. Now, with Aidan, I find myself looking forward to things he will do once he is older. Maybe it's because I have a better idea of what to expect this time around. I still want him to be my little boy, my baby, sometimes, but I'm also excited about the next steps he will take.

He is getting so big! He wants to do some things for himself, like take off his pants and diaper. But he isn't interested in doing other things, like putting on his own cloths or shoes. He would rather walk into his room to go to bed than be carried, but he still wants to be lifted up into bed. He also hates to put his toys away. He would rather throw things around. I recently started to put his toys out of his reach if he throws them. Now he is more careful about it, but when he is mad he tosses things around. He hasd a temper, but it blows over fairly quickly. He loves to play outside, I wish we had a fence so that we could go out and I could do some yard work or something. Oh yeah, He decided that naps are no longer a part of his life. In the last 3 weeks he has accidentally fallen asleep 2 times. Once in the car and once on the floor. We will adjust, but it's been hard.

Understanding, or lack there of.

I sometimes feel that I don't really belong on this planet. I don't understand the things people do, some of their emotions, or the way they think. For example, I can not understand prejudice in any form. I don't understand why people think they have a right to force other people to be what they think they should be. Even when they use their religion as the reason, like some people do to justify homophobia, it doesn't make sense to me. I could be wrong, but aren't Christians supposed to refrain from judging others? Isn't that their God's job? And yet they use their religion, which apparently says that homosexuality is wrong, to justify making homosexuals into second class citizens, they use it as an excuse to hurt them. They judge them to be immoral and so they are able to justify abuse. Sometimes they don't even see it as abuse. I just don't understand. If you believe in God, the way I think Christians are supposed to, and you judge the lives of others as immoral, and force them to live the way you think they should, or at least make sure they have fewer rights than you do, aren't you committing an even greater sin by believing that you can do God's job for him?

A lesser thing I have a problem understanding is jealousy. Wanting what someone else has to the extent that you want to take it from them is very strange. Worrying about the time someone spends with someone else just seems a waste of time. I might want to have something you have, but I don't want to take yours, I just want on like it. I may want to spend more time with someone, but not in a way that keeps them from someone else.

My (early) Anniversary gift.

My anniversary isn't until Sunday, it will be 5 years since Howard and I got married, 7 since we met. It's been an interesting time that's for sure! But I've been happier, over all, than I have been since I was a child. Oh, there have been arguments. Real screaming and crying "discussions", but that's because there is so much passion in our relationship. The calm, happy, loving, sexy, caring, supportive times have been my more common than the angry, screaming, crying times have been.

Last night Howard came home a little late. He had been working with Jimmy for 3 days, 14 to 15 hours a day. He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands. I did, and I was presented with a large box. When I opened my eyes I saw my present. It's HP PCS 1610 All-In-One, printer, scanner and copier. I've been looking at them for awhile now. We needed a new scanner, since our old one is so old that we couldn't find drivers for it. (Finally Howard did find a website that had some old drivers on it, but the only ones that he could find only work with Windows 95) There are 2 big boxes of pictures that Howard's Mom had that I've promised to scan and burn to disk for the family, so this will help with that. However, the best part is that I can print pictures, and scan my old pictures of Christopher and Allen, even pictures of when I was a kid. I was very surprised, and very pleased. Today I'm planning on spending most of the day playing with my new "gadget".

Tired and sleepy.

Aidan has decided that no one can sleep-in in the morning. After he has his breakfast anyone still in bed will be treated with him saying "Wake up!" in that high pitched screaming voice that is seems only small children can produce. If he can get into the room, he will crawl into bed with the sleeping person, lay down, and then yell "wake up!". I've been feeling slightly ill the last few days, achy head, stuffy nose, stomach problems, but luckily not a fever or throwing up. Which just means that I'm not sleeping as well as I could. So I'm a little sleepy today.

Several days ago we went to Lowes Home Improvement Warehouse, because Howard wanted to put in an application. While there I looked at the paint department and picked out paint chips of the colors I want to paint Aidan's room. I found a red that was in the discounted bin, it isn't the color of red I want for Aidan's bed, but it only cost $5 which is about a 75% discount. So I got it anyway. I painted the faces of the cupboards in the kitchen and the doors (Which need another coat) And will probably paint the front and doors on the lower cupboards as well. If I have enough paint I just might paint the one wall that is bare as well. I will need to get Howard to hang the doors on the cupboards as soon as the next coat is dry, so that they don't get damaged. That helped with the urge to be creative, but I over did it and ended up with really stressed muscles in my arms and back. I am very out of shape, and the bursitis in my elbows and shoulders just caused even more problems. I'll just have to take it easy when I get the time to finish. Painting with a 2 year old around is not an easy thing. He doesn't take naps most of the time any more, so I have to do things like that on the rare occasions he does take one, or after he is in bed in the evening. I need to make sure that I actually do get it finished. I have this horrible habit of not finishing projects like this unless there is a deadline or some other pressure to get it finished.

This is what happens when it's hot and the hose gets turned on.

Aidan's legs and feet while playing with the hose. I'm kind of silly, I know.

Pretending to drink from the hose. His mouth never got any closer that this. But he said " Ahhh!" When he was done.

Daddy's favorite picture. 

Playing with the hose. Learning what happens when you stick your thumb into the end of the hose. 

It's scary what you can find on-line.

This is too weird! I finally did find a listing for myself, but it's an old address, and an old last name. I looked up both of my ex's. I know for sure that I found Dannan, but I'm not sure which if any are Don. I also found my parents. My Dad has lived in the same house for years, so the listing I found for him is current, you can even get a satellite picture of the area he lives in. My Mom is listed at 2 old addresses. She lives with Dad now though. I'm going back to look for other people, some of them I'll tell about this so they can remove themselves from the list, even though that might not do much good. I was directed to this site by The Zero Boss.

Another, My child is a slow talker post.

According to the Doctor and all the literature I can find about when children should start talking, how much they should be saying at what age, Aidan falls within the average range. At the later end of it, but still average. However, compared to the kids we know that are his age, he seems to be pretty far behind. These other kids say complete sentences that are easy to understand. Aidan does say a few sentences, such as "Here you go." and "I see baby." He says Hi, up, down, kitty, bite, baby, hello, one, two, three, bye-bye, excuse me, and thank-you. He uses them all correctly, except for baby which he uses to describe other children or pets. He knows which way is up and which way is down. He counts one, two, three. He knows that letters are what you read and write. (He will point at the letters in a book or on a paper I'm writing on and says A, B, C.) He has been whispering since he was 16 months old.

Maybe he has just been focusing on other things, like learning how to climb and sleeping in a big boy bed. He is still bigger than average for his age, in the 75 th percentile. He understands almost everything we say to him. He usually follows directions, with 2 or 3 parts to them. He is very loving to us and to our pets. His favorite people outside of our little nuclear family are Howards cousin Jim and his wife Buna. We decided to call Jim "Uncle Jimmy" and Buna "Aunt Buna" as a respect kind of thing, like southern family's do with adult friends. He knows who they are when we talk about them. I don't know, maybe I'm just overly worried. Maybe I should just relax, don't try to push him or anything, I just keep talking to him about things, using the same simple words for things every time. I hope that by modeling the words he will learn them like he has learned to say "Excuse me." when he burps, and "Thank-you." when someone gives him something. Am I over concerned?

Social awareness.

I've been thinking about something Allen said when he was here in November. He mentioned that he remembered growing up being aware of social issues, having opinions and beliefs about them. And now he is active in his support of those issues he feels strongly about. He said that he had told someone that he had been raised socially aware, but not socially active. I've been think about that off and on ever since.

I remember worrying about how other people thought about me. I didn't want to do anything that would make me un-likeable. I was also very aware of my parents and I always tried not to disappoint them. I didn't want them to be upset with me. So I didn't do anything about the social issues that might get me into trouble. Later, when I grew up, I had kids that I felt I needed to protect and care for. I thought that I needed to make sure that I was never taken from them because of something I did. So no protests for me. Allen probably didn't know about the letter writing and phone calling I did, or the boycotts I participated in. But I felt that I just couldn't risk loosing my kids, I couldn't imagine how they would be raised if their dad got custody.

Even later, once they were grown, I got more involved in things. But by then I'd lost contact and didn't know what was going on. Oh, and living in Salem Oregon doesn't exactly present many opportunities, and my budget has always been rather tight so going out of town wasn't an option. You would think that now that I'm in California, there would be more things to be involved in, but it seems I've landed in the middle of the most conservative part of California. I'd have to drive 2 hours to get anywhere of interest. My budget is still tight so I'm kind of stuck.

My attitude has changed, however. I feel supported by Howard, and I think that he would support me in anything I would want to do, even if he didn't feel the same way. I know that Aidan would be safe even if I got arrested, so if I ever happened to get the money and knew about something I wanted to give my support to, I could do anything I felt was appropriate. I'm still worried about Aidan and Allen and Christopher, and how my actions will effect them. I'm just less afraid now. Partly because Allen and Christopher are grown up and their Dad can't mess them up, and partly because I think I finally feel that I can be myself and that's ok.

Illness and creativity.

Things have been very strange, health wise, for me the last few of days. I didn't feel well on Monday, but I was feeling a lot better on Tuesday. Wednesday I was sick again, but Thursday I was only a little sleepy. Today I'm feeling yucky again. One good thing about this on and off sickness, I have been able to keep the house in fairly good order. It always looks messy, because of all the stuff we have. However, usually when I get sick the whole place goes to pot in just a day or two. Piles of dishes, Aidan's toys all over the floor, dirty cloths almost every where. Not to mention the dirt that tends to get tracked in everyday. Yesterday I was able to get all the dishes washed, sweep the living room and kitchen, and get all the dirty cloths into the hampers. So today I can just lay around and relax.

I'm feeling the need to be creative again. Now all I have to do find something to do. Maybe I'll check out the beading supplies I have and see if there are enough beads in enough colors to make a project. Or maybe I'll try my hand at drawing again. Whatever I do it will have to involve the supplies I already have because right now I can't afford to get new stuff.

The past comes back to bite you in the seat.

Why is it that the past can not remain in the past? If, for nearly 7 years, someone works hard to clean up their life, to stay out of trouble, wouldn't you expect that person to get a break? What if the "crimes" that appear on the background report were either driving related, such as driving with out insurance, and driving while suspended, and a dismissed misdemeanor? Wouldn't you expect that person to be able to get a job? Would a warrant for non payment of fines cause you to not hire someone? Well Cingular Wireless took Howard's background check and decided not to hire him, they didn't call but just told him when he reported for his first day. They say that it's because of the warrant, and that he didn't tell them everything on his record. They also told him that they were looking for felonys. He only has a couple of misdemeanor offences, one of which was dismissed. I don't understand why they couldn't call us before today. I'm pissed off that things that happened over 7 years ago are being used against him, and I'm so sad that Howard feels that no matter how hard he tries it doesn't matter. If not for Aidan, I think he would slip back into the drinking everyday, back to the wild party guy he was before he met me.

I am hoping that we can get the warrant lifted, and pay the fines a little at a time. Our budget can't take much right now, but I'm thinking we can come up with $25 a month at least for a little while. It will take 3 years at that rate, but maybe he can get a job and we can make bigger payments. I think that the background check only goes back about 7 or maybe 8 years. In which case, in a few months everything except for a few driving while suspended will be off. I hope that with the warrant lifted, and the old misdemeanors off the public record he will have a better chance of getting a job. He wants so much to be a responsible Daddy with a decent job to support his son. It's truly amazing how much Aidan has changed Howard's world view. I have heard that Howard changed quite a bit after he met me as well. So now he has a reason to be good, and he feels that no matter what he does he can not get ahead. I wish that there was something I could do to help him feel better. I'm feeling really helpless, distressed, sad, and I'm worried about Howard. I don't think he will do anything wrong, but he might get a little depressed.

Ok, I've rambled on enough for now. I needed to get it all out, thanks.

A closer look at Aidan using an old laptop. 

Aidan using an old laptop.