Suprise, we're moving.

Howard came home Monday night and asked me if we could be ready to move by Friday. I guess a Mobil Home became available in the Park where his cousin lives, it's only $1,800 to buy it. We have $700 right now, and will have another $300 or maybe $400 on the Third, then we will make payments of about $200 for a few months then it's ours. It's not the most beautiful thing in the world, but we can paint it. It has a nice yard though with a good fence so Aidan and his puppy (Buddy) can play out there. Finding boxes to pack in is the hardest part, at this point. I think the new place is about the same size as this place, so I'll have to put things in a storage unit or something. I'm hopeing that we will have a storage shed there soon so that all the things I can't bear to part with, but can't find a place inside the house for, can be safely put away.

I'm such a pack-rat! It's getting better though, I've actually gone through some of our stuff and sorted over half into either Yard sale stuff or garbage. So I guess there is hope for me after all.

Some of my favorite things.

Favorite ...

color: Emerald green, Saphire blue, and fall colors.
icecream flavor: chocolate or peaches and cream
type of book to read: Mystery, Sci-fi, Fantasy and some true crime.
smell: Most florals if very light, bakeing bread, and that "baby smell."

I also love my family, Mom, Dad, Cody, Mark, Christopher, Allen, Xander, Nicole, Howard, Aidan, Kelly, Caleb, Joshua, Jessica, Garrett, Mackenzie, my Aunts and Uncles, cousins and all their kids. Family is important to me, even though we don't seem to keep in touch as often as we should.

My friends, new and old. Jennifer, Megan, Molly, Carol, Marsh, Kat, Myra, Cheryl, Connie, Dannan, Mandy, and all the people in my groups.

I enjoy cooking, bakeing, sewing, crocheting, knitting, beading, reading, watching movies, some tv shows, and the SCA.

Monday Morning Happy thoughts.

Lets see,

Snowanna got married last week. (A good thing I think.)
For once I'm caught up on all my house work.
Xander has wonderful parents.
It's going to be a beautiful day.
We had a nice week end.

A dream

Howard, Aidan and I were on a train, we were on a vacation. The train was old, kind of like the ones that get robbed in old West Movies. When the train stopped, we got off. Then things changed a little, Aidan wasn't there anymore, and Howard and I changed into a Mexican Doctor and Nurse. I think there was a war going on, because there were wounded everywhere. I was trying to help a young man on a platform when I noticed a beautiful woman standing beside me. I knew that I had to keep the young man from looking into her eyes. But I couldn't hold his gaze and he got up and followed her down the street. Other people began to follow them, men, women, and children, but just a few out of the dozens I could see. I turned back to the platform and saw that the young man had died. Then I knew that the beautiful woman was the angel of death. I looked back down the street and saw them comeing back, there were about several more people, includeing a bride holding her veil and the train of her dress over her arm. I knew that they were all dead. Howard was there suddenly (the Mexican Doctor version of him) and I fell into his arms crying. "Dios Mio."

Differences.

Each of us is different in some way. Some of us have differences that others can see, some of us have differences that are harder to see. I am a 44 year old woman who is over weight, with red hair and green eyes. These are the things that people can see. I am also a mother and grandmother, I like coffee, fantasy, porn, and the color green. My religious beliefs are in transition right now, I have alternate personalities that have been combined (for the most part). Those are some of the things people can't see.

On the outside I look like a normal, fairly conservative, Mother and Grandmother. Calm, cool, and in control of myself. On the inside I'm far from normal, no way am I conservative, and the control I have over myself is mostly for show. On the inside I cry, yell, scream and whine.

I think that human beings are far more similar than we would like to believe we are. On the whole, I feel, humans look for things that are different so that we can group ourselves. "Us" and "Them". We want to belong somewhere, but can't accept that we do belong, to a world wide group called "Human beings". I've often wondered why people want to divide the human race into groups. Not just male and female, but old and young, white, black, brown, red, and yellow, Christian and Pagan. Sometimes I feel like I don't really belong on this world at this time, because so much of what is "normal" behavior for Earth beings seems so ... uncomfortable to me. Why should we care so much as to the sexuality of another person? How can it hurt you to have a neighbor who is transgendered? I don't understand any of it, I try not to judge anyone until I know them personally. I have some amazing friends. Gay, bisexual, transgendered, black, Hispanic, white, male, female, young and old. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I thought I couldn't be friends with someone because of one of those "differences".

Thoughts on my dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I was working at some kind of job that caused me to drive around a lot. I had to go to this house which was being used as an office or something. Except there wasn't any real furniture, a lawn chair and a large box served as office furniture thought it was a waste to use that big house for an office, especially since they didn't even use all of one room and the place was really huge. The outside of the house had a lot of sand around it, no grass or trees. Somehow I felt like I shouldn't be outside, so I went in. There were a few people in the house. Howard was playing with the cell phone, Allen and Christopher's Dad was sitting in the one chair in the room. I needed to sit down but couldn't so I leaned against the wall and watched everyone else. Howard somehow figured out how to make Don's phone play "This Old Man" even though there was no call coming through. (Don is Allen and Christopher's dad.) It was funny to watch him trying to figure out what was happening. In real life my cell phone was ringing and then the house phone rang and I woke up.

I was talking to Howard about my dream from the other night, He thinks that maybe the groupings of people was because I somehow feel the same about the women as I do about the men. So now I need to analyze how I feel about the people I can remember and see if he is right.

Strange things to think about.

I had a strange dream last night. It happened in a house I've drempt of before. I was haveing a party, all the women I knew where there, as I talked to each of them they changed into the men I know. My Mom became my brother Mark, Kelly became my Dad, Nicole became Dannan, Jennifer changed into my brother Cody. I either didn't notice or it seemed normal to me because I didn't worry about it at all. Awake now, I don't know how these people were matched by my mind in that way. None of the conversations were about anything out of the ordenary, for example Nicole was telling me about Xander and how he is doing in school, when she was changeing into Dannan the conversation became more about the school and less about Xander until Dannan was telling me about a school he was thinking of going to work for.

I wonder why some kids remain in the foster care system for years, while others are taken and adopted right away. I've known kids that had parents who were drug addicts, that didn't really care about them, but they were never adopted out, their parents still had parental rights. And then I've known people whose kids are taken away, and within a year they are adopted, their parental rights removed by the courts even though they have expressed the desire to regain their children.

I wonder what a heart attack feels like. I've heard that for women it's differant than it is for men. Can you have a mild heart attack without knowing it?

I know ...

... that I should be doing something right now.
... that the laundry needs to be done.
... that I miss my friends.
... that there are people who love me.
... that I need to get more sleep.
... that life goes on.
... that the lilies in the front yard will bloom soon.
... that children grow up.
... that I love many people who probably don't know it.

Random thoughts...

I am feeling strange today, bouncing back and forth between flirtatious and melancholy. Not too deep melancholy, just slightly. If I were writing poetry it would probably be rather dark. Mainly because I don't do bright poetry. LOL Anyway, I've been looking at some interesting blogs lately. Some of them kind of dark. Some of them very happy. Some political, some just normal journaling things. A couple are very sexual, and a few about what sexuality means to them. I'm feeling split, not badly though. Personalities peeking in or something.

Aidan is teething ... but surprised me with a new tooth and no symtoms. Now he has red swollen gums and is kind of whinny. I wish he could tell me what hurts, and that he would let me put baby ambisol on it. Oh well ... we will both live through it.

I feel very lucky that I haven't had some of the problems that some of my friends have had. I've always known who I am, I'm happy inside my body. (Well, it could be alot slimmer, but I'm not too sad about it.) I have someone who loves me very much and lets me be me. I've pulled myself together pretty well.

It's Monday again ...

Positive thoughts for a Monday morning? Hmmm ... Well, the migraine I had yesterday is gone today. It's another sunny day, promising to be very warm. The weatherman is saying that it's going to cool down in the next couple of days. I think I made a new internet friend yesterday. I've discovered some really interesting blogs. I'm working on keeping in touch with my friends. I'm feeling less disconnected from the people who mean the most to me. I"m finially making friends with people here so maybe California will not be too lonely.

Personal choice mets family commitments.

Today my Mother-in-law is haveing a BBQ. It's her birthday. I don't want to go, for 3 reasons. The biggest one is that her son Donny will be there, he's the one that stole the beautiful park bench that my Mother and Grandmother gave me for my college Graduation. We are fairly sure he sold it to buy drugs. I don't want to be anywhere near him. The second one is because I have a migraine today and would rather not out in the sunshine today. The third is actually kind of petty of me, but I can't help it, and that is because she didn't come to get Aidan's birthday, she didn't send a gift, or card and she didn't even call. She also forgot Howard's birthday, as well as mine. I'm feeling rather put out over it. I keep thinking things like "How dare she be mad at me! She didn't care enough to come see her grandson for his FIRST birthday! Why should we care about hers?" I know, I should let it go, I should relax, I should release the negative energy. I know this, I just don't seem to be able to right now.

Should I bite the bullet and go anyway?

Happier thoughts.

Well today I am feeling much better. I talked to Howard some and he seemed to understand that my feelings were hurt by his words. My friend suggested checking into getting a lawyer to do the adoption pro bono, I'm going to have to figure out how to find such a lawyer. Plus we will have to either find Aidan's bio mother so she can sign over her parental rights, or ask the court to remove them. Since she left here in July and we haven't seen or heard from her in all that time I think we have a case for abandonment. I'd rather not do it that way, because someday Aidan will want to know about her and why she left him with me. I'd like to be able to tell him that while she was good at haveing babies she knew she wouldn't be good a raising them so she gave him to me because she knew I'd love him and take good care of him.

Today was a free dump day over at the fire department here in Atwater. We took over the old shed that was falling apart and a few other odds and ends. It was no big deal until we witnessed a really stupid accident. No one was hurt, but a nice little pick-up was squashed. There was a short line to dump metal of any kind includeing washing machines and other appliances, Pick-ups were directed to back up toward the area they wanted the metal stuff dropped off. Well, while one guy was waiting his turn a woman drove up behind him, basically cutting in line, but he couldn't see her because her truck was a small one and his was loaded to the top. Anyway when he saw the man directing traffic wave to back up, he didn't kow that it was the woman in the little truck who was being waved in and backed up into her. If the woman had been paying attention she would have known that she was cutting in line, and maybe she would have been able to get out of his way, or better yet she could have not gotten in the way in the first place.

I'm really feeling sad today. I'm sure some of it's influenanced by hormones, but the situation with Aidan seems to get worse every minute. Howard wanted to give him a small piece of gum, I said "He cann't have it. He doesn't chew well enough." Howard responded with "Yes he can." Just like that, my opinion and experiance were meaningless. I know that Howard didn't mean it that way, he doesn't know what I've been feeling and how not haveing rights concerning Aidan hurt me yesterday. I know I should talk to him about it, but ... I don't want to worry him or upset him. Anyway everything I've done today has been colored with the sadness I'm feeling. I hope that writeing this will help me get it out of my system. I HATE feeling like this.

In other news, I'm feeling less lonely these days. I've made friends with some of the women in my local Scrapbooking Message group. So I have people to talk to. And I've met, on-line only so far, a wonderful SCA person that I've talked to several times in the last couple of weeks. I've really missed the SCA and I'm hopeing that in the next year or two we can start going again.

I just read this on a blog I was checking out. I thought it was interesting and decided to share it with any of you who might be reading this.
The name of the Blog is "Mypolar" the URL is http://hageaar.beigetower.org/ in case you want to check him out for yourself.

Top twelve reasons homosexual marriage should not be legal:
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Seperate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as seperate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

The Doctors visit was short and to the point. In about a month Aidan will have surgery to bring his left testical down into his scrotum they will put in about 2 stiches to hold it in place and the sew up the incision. He will be sent home as soon as the anisthesia wears off. Hopefully everything will be fine then. I've know that this was going to happen since he was 2 days old, but somehow it suprised me anyway. Does that make since? It also was made clear that I am NOT his mother and I have no rights other than those given to me by Howard. I can not sign papers for medical treatment, and I have no say in any of his treatments. Of Course Howard says that I AM Aidans Mom, and that it's only paperwork. I want to adopt him, so that I do have rights. But until we have more money we can't afford to file the paperwork. It makes me feel so ... useless.

Tomarrow we take Aidan to see the Dr. about his undestended testical. I hope we don't have to do surgery, but he's already 13 months old and it hasn't dropped so chances are it won't do it on it's own. There is an increased risk for testicular cancer in the testical that remains inside the body, so we need to get it down somehow. It worries me. I can't stop worrying about it. I'm sure it will be ok in the end, but he is so little, and any surgery is a Big Deal.

There was just a news break about the man in Fresno who killed 9 people. The Police think that most if not all of them were his children. 7 Of them were children, It makes me very sad to think of those children. To think that their own Dad could kill them. I wonder what caused him to even think of killing his children. Did he think that the world was just too horrible of a place for his dear children? Did he think that with the children gone He could live a better life? Was he crazy? Was it revenge on the mothers? Was it to keep them from being taken from him? I don't know if I really want the answer, the truth of it might be more horrible than anything I could think of.

I think I've been lucky. I was raised very well, with no racist sterio types. I was raised to believe in fairness, and to judge people for who they are and not what they are. Chris and Allen both have proven to me that they feel the same way, with either actions or comments. I am very proud of them. No matter what they do with their lives as far as working goes, they are good men. I know Allen better now than I do Chris, and he is a little better at keeping in touch with me than Chris is. Plus I have people who can tell me thing about Allen if I need to know what he is up to.

It's Monday and I remembered to think of some possitive things!

My niece had a check up and heard her babies heart for the first time. She had an untrasound and says that the baby looks kind of like a jelly-bean. I got the laundry done. We might be moving out of here soon. My family is happy and healthy. Aidan turned 13 months old yesterday. It's sunny and warm today. I love my new shoes.

Today I've been catching up with old friends. I got back into some of my SCA related groups. This morning I was able to check in on Nicoles blog, but this afternoon I can't. It said something like access to this file is forbidden. I wonder if it is related to the fact that her most recent post was there 4 times. I hope she can get it fixed soon. I will miss it until it's back where I can get at it.

I've put off delving into my soul for awhile now. I think I need to take a break and relax some. I don't need to feel emotionally raw all the time. So I'm going to take a rest.

I heard that Christopher is doing ok. He's grown some I guess, and is closer to 6'5" now. But he has a scraggly beard and his hair is very long. He looks unkept, according to my sourse.

My Mom and Dad say that they had a wonderful visit with Allen and Xander. They feel that Allen has grown into a really fine young man. And they commented on how smart Xander is and how wonderful it was to spend time with both of them.

The weather is sunny here today, with temps close to 80, which means that it will be in the 90's in the house. We will have to get insulation in the roof if we get to buy that one mobile home. And a good airconditioner.

I'm tired and stiff, my back hurts and feels locked up from my waist down. My left shoulder hurts somewhat, I'm not sure what I did to it. I think I'm tired because I couldn't turn over in my sleep with out hurting.