A night of nightmares and tears.

Everything started out Okay. We were at some kind of gathering, we needed somewhere to stay. Mark and Snowanna were with us, but she was only about 4 or 5, there were other members of my family there too, but I can't remember who they were. We discovered that a house that belonged to someone we were related to was available to all of us. So we settled in for the night.

Howard and Aidan were in a room decorated for boys, because Aidan loved it so much. There wasn't enough room in there for me, so I found another room across the ... Parking lot? ... from them. I could see their room from my window. Snowanna decided that she wanted to sleep with me, so she climbed in and snuggled up. When we woke up I showed Snowanna the view.

The scene switched a bit and I'm standing outside. I'm still talking to Snowanna, but she's grown up now. An old family friend we called "Bus" was backing a new white ford pick-up truck out of the ... Drive way? ... when I see Aidan coming around the back of the truck. I get "Bus" to stop and run over to pick Aidan up. I smile and wave at "Bus" as he leaves and waves back. (An aside here, Bus died 20 or so years ago. He loved all the kids, starting with my Dad. He and his wife were not able to have any children of their own.)

After Bus left I put Aidan down, we were at a park or other child oriented location. There where children every where. Aidan was being good and walking on the sidewalk instead of cutting across the parking lot. I was talking to someone, not Snowanna, and watching Aidan walk to his Daddy when this bus like RV pulled into the parking space between us. She was at an odd angle and pulled up onto the curb to try to help straighten it out. I was trying to see Aidan because he was in that area. She started to back up, the front end of her RV was taking out more of the sidewalk. I screamed and yelled at her to stop.

It seemed like forever, but I finally got her to see me and to hear me by banging on the glass door. She stopped. I looked under the RV to see if I could see where Aidan was. The front of the RV had tracks, like a tank, instead of wheels. I saw 3 little girls on the other side. They were staring at the tracks. One of them said "It just ran over his head." I looked at the tracks, there was a small distortion about the size and shape of a little body under the tracks, and I knew that it was Aidan. I screamed and that scream woke me.

The scariest part of the dream is that it's so easy to loose track of where Aidan is. Like most kids his age he is fearless, and he can move very quickly when he wants to. A moments distraction and he's gone to find something else to do. In the dream he was actually doing things the right way, he should have been safe, but he wasn't. It took me almost an hour to be able to think of it without crying again. I couldn't get back to sleep for over two hours, because I kept seeing it all over again. Touching Aidan, alive and sleeping in his own bed helped some. Sitting up at 4 AM to write this all down helped some more. What could this dream be trying to tell me?

The Fun Fur Project.

It's almost as tickely and soft as it looks.

The Fun Fur project, it's going to be a scarf. 

Presents and love.

For me this Holiday Season is all about the love. Family and friends. I, of course, like to get presents and to give them. I did get some interesting gifts this year. Howard and Aidan got me a Crock Pot slow cooker and a Scrapbook kit. Aidan got me 2 balls of bright red Fun Fur yarn because I've been wanting to try it ever since it came out. Howards Aunt gave me some make-up and moisturizer. (I don't use make-up but she is always giving me papers with hints on how to use make-up. LOL) My Parents sent me a Cookbook called "Early American Cookery" and a pair of hand knitted "scuffies" (aka Slippers). But the best gift of all was the Picture Share photos of my Mom with Xander and Snowanna with little DJ that Nicole sent me. I've been feeling kind of lonely and separate from my family and friends so that really brightened my day. The Love I feel for the wonderful people in my family, both blood relations and chosen family, and the love I feel from them is what makes this time of year special for me.

On this day.

Today is my Parents anniversary. If they hadn't gotten divorced for a while it would be their 46th! So I'd like to wish them a Very Happy Anniversary! (They recently got back together and re-committed to each other.)

Today is also the Winter Solstice, some calendar say that it's tomorrow though. So I'd like to wish all my Pagan friends a Peaceful and Happy Solstice.

For those who celebrate Christmas, to you I wish a Joyous and Merry Christmas.

This time of year I think about my family, those who are physically close to me and those far away. I remember those who have passed and the loving times we spent together over the years. I had a fairly calm and very happy childhood. Due for the most part to the family members who loved me, guided me, and allowed me to find my own path. I hope I have been able to pass some of the love to my own children.

For all my family and friends: I Love you, I miss you, and I send my love and best wishes for a Happy Holiday season.

Aidan in his outside toy. 

Life in California

It's been getting pretty cold here in the evenings. Not as cold as my New York friends, but cold for around here. It's been in the lower 30's at night for the last 4 or 5 nights. The highs have been in the 50's and even up into the lower 60's. It wouldn't be bad except that our furnace decided to stop working. I've felt colder at SCA events, but it's still kind of chilly in the house for most of the day. So far I've been able to warm it up a little baking cupcakes and making a roast. Hopefully we can get it fixed in the next few days.

When I see my Doctor, next month, I will have to remember to tell her about the dizzy spells and the balance problems I've had lately. I've had these problems for years, I'll be sitting still and I'll feel dizzy for no reason. But lately it's been more often and for a longer duration. I'm also starting to loose my balance just walking across the room. I can't remember the name of the condition she said could be causing it.

Aidan discovered that if you turn the TV off while it's Muted and then turn it on again it won't be muted any more. I'm still concerned about his language development, I'm sure that he can hear well since he can mimic things he hears. But he still has very few words. He will have a Doctors appointment after his second birthday, so I will talk to his Doctor about it then. Oh, he had his final check up with the surgeon. Everything looks good. He is 35.5 inches tall and 30 pounds.

Another Monday

Some things that make me smile today.

Finally getting the Celtic Knot work blanket in the mail to Snowanna.
Warm, black, fuzzy slippers.
Hearing Aidan laugh a real belly laugh when a bigger boy did tricks to make him laugh.
Thinking of the people I love.
Day dreaming about what I'd do with $60,000,000.

Alignment Quiz.

I found this on a blog I discovered the other day. He's a Riley too. For anyone who doesn't know what this is all about, it's a Dungeons and Dragons Personality alignment chart. If you go and take this little test, the link is at the bottom of the chart below, I'd like to know where you land.

You scored as True Neutral. A True Neutral person has two faces- either these people are merely apathetic, preferring to focus their minds on more important things, or these people truly believe in a balance of all things. To these people, there can be no light without some darkness. These people also have no dedication to, or intrinsic distrust of, laws. True Neutral 70% Lawful Good 65% Chaotic Good 60% Neutral Evil 55% Chaotic Neutral 50% Lawful Neutral 50% Neutral Good 50% Lawful Evil 35% Chaotic Evil 15% What is your Alignment? created with QuizFarm.com

Monday

It's Monday again. And even though I'd prefer to have another week-end day to be able to ignore anything I don't want to deal with, it's not going to happen. So the next best thing for me to do is try to remember some positive things for this chilly Monday morning.

Finding a new digital Camera on sale for a price we can afford.
Remembering a bag of boys clothing and finding 2 pairs of pants and a couple of shirts that will fit Aidan right now.
Discovering that it's not really so hard to drink enough water.
Watching movies on my new, really cheap ($28), DVD player.
Having a cell phone with week-ends free so that I can call my Mom and Nicole and talk as long as I want.
Medication that reduces the pain in my elbows and shoulders.
Watching Aidan dance to almost any music.

Holiday wishes.

Since there are several Holidays celebrated at this time of year, depending on your religious affiliation, I thought this was appropriate. It might or might not be something you want to do.

I got this from Cathy who got it from Michael. He borrowed it from Megan over at Divine Reality who stole it from Gina who took from The Mommy Blog, who stole it from Broken Fairy, and from Janet.

Step One:
Make a post to your weblog/journal. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all,big or small. The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want. If you wish for real life things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you. Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines.

Step Two:
Surf around your blogroll (or friend's blogrolls, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part: If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call. There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...Wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

My Holiday wish list:

1. Continued health for my Family
2. A Job for Howard. (He is finishing his A+ training.)
3. A rainbow of yarn colors.
4. Airplane tickets to New York to visit Xander, Nicole and Allen.
5. The windows and doors of my house weatherized so that my heating bill will go down.
6. An apartment size washer and dryer, the kind that stack would be good.
7. About $500 cash to pay off my Credit Card.
8. 3 or 4 pairs of jeans for Aidan. (size 2T, used in good condition is perfect.)
9. A new storage shed to put all the things I can't fit into the house in. (The old one is about to fall apart.)
10. A gas stove that works.

6 Years!

I am now the Grandmother of a 6 year old! It doesn't seem like it could be that long already since I heard that my Little Xander had been born. I've missed so much of his life, because we live so far apart. (He is in New York and I am in California) I don't have much money, so I haven't been able to go out to see him, or to bring him out to see me. I'd like to send him memorable gifts, I'd like to sit and talk with him. I know that he has wonderful parents, and for that I am thankful. So today I just want to say:

Happy 6th Birthday Xander!

With love from Grandma.

Another missed Monday

Oops! Somehow yesterday came and went without me hardly noticing. I was busy with the Health Educator and checking out all the details for getting insurance and the title switched for my car. I've found a pretty good deal for insurance, now I have to pay a "deposit" to get a paper that says that the car will be registered to me as soon as I get insurance. Because I can't get the registration until I have insurance and I can't get insurance until I get the registration. I'll also have to get it Smogged, a process I don't know anything about but will probably cost me $100. The tags expire in December, so I'll have to renew that too. I can't get a straight answer from DMV on how much this is going to cost me.

Now my Monday positives:

A good deal on a new DVD player. ($28 )
Having the extra cash to get the third Harry Potter Movie.
Aidan and I are feeling better after a couple of weeks with colds.
I have a plan to loose weight now. All I have to do is DO it. (That's the hard part.)
Allen bought the movie "Supersize Me" while he was here and we watched it, so when the Health Educator said I should rent it I could tell her I'd already seen it.

Holiday Wishes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm cooking dinner at home for Aidan, Howard and myself. It's nothing big, but I think it will be pretty good anyway.

Today I am thankful for:

The ability to cook for my family.
Food to cook.
My tiny, but warm and safe Home.
My family and friends.
This beautiful planet to live on.
My computer.
Knowing how to type well enough I can do it one handed while I hold Aidan who for some reason needs to sit on my lap RIGHT NOW!
Did I mention, My family? All of them, those who are close as well as those who are far away.
Oh and my friends, did I mention them? The people who like to talk to me just because they like me.
Thank you everyone! For being there for me if I need you. I wish you all a wonderful day!

Ears, nose and throat problems.

Well, it looks like I might be sick for Thanksgiving. My throat is starting to hurt, and my ears are painful as well. I've been coughing a lot lately and now my chest aches from it. My nose can't decide if it's going to be runny or clogged up. I'm starting to get that feverish feeling. In a way being sick is a good thing, I won't have to decide whether or not to go to Howard's Aunt's house for the family gathering. Two of the younger set are getting divorced and so probably won't be there, and my Mother-in-law might show up for a little while as well. I just feel the need to have Thanksgiving with just my own little family for a change. But, if I am feeling better and if Howard wants to go I'll go.

Doctors and health issues.

I had a Doctor's appointment last week. The bursitis in my elbows is better, but still a minor problem. I've also developed it in my left shoulder. My back problems are probably because of my weight. I'm about 150 pounds over weight. I can't believe that I've gotten so heavy. I've been working on reducing my portion sizes at meals, I've cut down on the sugar and the fat. And yet I've still gained about 8 pounds in 4 months. So I had blood work done today to check cholesterol and sugar levels and other things. Last year everything was really good, all the levels were perfect. I'm hoping that the same is true this time. Next week I'll be seeing a Health Ed. Specialist, who will help me with diet and exercise. I think Howard and I should go for a walk every afternoon when we get home. I pick him up at 4:30, so we would have an hour or two before dinner to walk. I don't think I'll do it alone, I need the encouragement and walking with someone is much more interesting than walking alone. I won't know until January what the results of the tests are, unless the Health Ed. Specialist can request them, then we might get the results sooner. So, I'm feeling kind of depressed about my weight, but I also feel that things are looking up for me as well.

Monday Positives

Getting in early for blood tests, so that I didn't have to wait too long.
Getting a referral to a Health Ed. Specialist who will help me figure out how to loose all this weight.
Hope for finding an exercise program that I can stick to.
Educational Websites that have ideas for things to do with toddlers.
As always, my wonderful family and friends who love me anyway.

Something my New York friends might understand.

I came across this Blog entry today. I found it through a link on The Zero Boss for The Diarist awards. This entry made me laugh and I wanted to shake this persons hand. It's up for an award as a comedic entry. I hope, if you read it, you will like it as much as I did.

An explanation of my love.

My husband, Howard, and I are so different in so many ways that I'm sure people wonder why we are together. I've been thinking of this a lot lately. Probably because of Allen's visit.

Some of the differences are:

1. His family is Lower Middle Class, and mine is Upper Middle to Lower Upper Class. This shows up most strongly in our language usage and our attitudes about education.
2. He was a bully of sorts in school, I tried to not be noticed.
3. He got into a lot of trouble, I seldom did things that would get me in trouble.
4. He drank and did drugs a lot when he was younger, I was never that interested in them and didn't know where to get drugs even if I wanted to.
5. He was in the Military, I'm a "Peace-ifist".
6. People say he is Rude and Crude, and while I may have my moments no one has said that of me.
7. He is bold and adventurous, I'd rather stay at home and be safe and warm.

I hope that I can explain clearly enough why I love him so very much.

When we first met it was Lust at first sight. I was instantly attracted to him on a purely physical level. We spent almost every day and night together for 2 weeks after that. I felt well taken care of. He asked me to marry him then. I agreed, but decided on a date 2 years in the future. We moved in together and right away I could see how much I needed him. I hate discord, and I never "rock the boat", but I needed to get some control over the young people who where staying in my apartment. I loved them all, they were friends of my two sons and were like my own kids in a lot of ways, but they didn't do chores, and they didn't do anything else to help out either. Howard took charge, because I couldn't, and set down some rules. Those who couldn't or wouldn't follow those rules left. My life was so much easier after that.

When there were emotional things I had to go through, such as the death of my Grandmother, he was there to allow me to fall apart, to cry and mourn. Until then I had always felt that I needed to be strong for others, that I couldn't cry and fall apart. It's so comforting to know that I could allow myself to be weak and to know that he still loved me and would be there to help me pick up the pieces.

No matter what it is that I want to do, Howard is supportive of it. He will do anything he can to help me do what I want to do. He may not agree with it, but he will still do what he can to help me. For example: He took the whole week off when Allen came to visit to make sure that we didn't have to worry about getting him to school or home. He also will work extra for Jimmy to pay for the trips over to San Francisco.

There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me as he has never loved anyone else. He is changing his language, cleaning it up so to speak. Part of that is because of Aidan, but even before Aidan was born he was using fewer curse words and the off handed way he sometimes used slurs had already started to change. He is less judgmental about other people now than he was before. This is because he knows it bothers me and is making an effort to curb it so as not to cause me any discomfort. He tries to keep things at least polite when talking with people I care about. He even kept the testosterone levels down while Allen was here, both of them were very nice and polite with each other. (Thank you Allen.)

I have also grown. I'm much more likely to stand up for myself than I was before. I feel free to say or do what I feel is the right thing and I don't worry so much about how others will feel about me when I do. I have far to go but I know that he will be there to help me up if I fall, and that he will let me fall sometimes because I need to learn from it.

I feel loved and cherished in every way. My heart still skips a beat when I see Howard or hear his voice. Our sex life is still interesting even after 7 years. (Howard's longest relationship before me was just over 1 year.) I'd rather be with him at home than anywhere else without him. I know that if I do have to go somewhere without him he will be at home when I get back. He is a wonderful Daddy for Aidan, he is showing a soft side that most people don't know about. He respects me even when he disagrees with me.

I'm not trying to say that everything is easy or that we always get along. We disagree a lot of the time, sometimes we debate the subject. We fuss and fight with each other just like other people do. It seldom goes farther than a few angry words. And the few times that one of us actually hurt the others feelings we were able to discuss it later and figure out why and how so we wouldn't do it again.

I could wish for more money, a bigger house, more things. But I don't think I could get much happier.

Monday Morning Positives.

It's hard to believe that it's Monday again already! Howard was home all week, because he took time off to be here while Allen was visiting and then Thursday was a Holiday and he doesn't have class on Fridays. It was really nice for Aidan to be able to spend time with his Daddy. They really miss each other when they don't get time together every day.

I'm thinking about Thanksgiving. I'm not sure what we will do this year, but we will be together and will probably go visit some family. So I thought I'd try to think of the things I'm truly thankful for to use as my Positives this week.

I am Thankful for:

My family, who love us regardless of our past miss deeds. (An example: My Brother Cody and his Wife Kelly would love to see Allen on a regular basis if he should move to the San Francisco Area to go to school. Even though the last time he went to visit with them he was quite a bit of trouble. This is so unlike Allen's Dad's family who pretend that Allen and Christopher don't even exist. Just because of the trouble they got into as youngsters.)

My life. Even though we don't have much that money can buy, I'm very happy with my life as it is. Some people might not think we are doing very well, because we have bills that need to be paid and our house is old and run down. But I get to stay home with Aidan and watch him grow. We own our little mobile home. We have a lot of love around here. Oh we fuss and even sometimes fight, but in the end we have lots of love here. We have enough to eat, and usually enough money to pay our bills and get a few extras.

Our health. For the most part we are pretty healthy. Aidan catches a cold now and then, but has been really sick only once in his 21 months. Howard and I each have our problems, mainly because of age. (Yes, I'm finally getting older, but I refuse to grow up!) But the problems we have are easily dealt with.

My extended family and friends. These people are there for us when ever I need them. They might not have much to share, but they will share what they have. They support me in my decisions even when they don't agree, and seldom say "I told you so." When they were right and I was wrong. (I love you guys so very much!)

Having the chance to know my sons as they grow up. I don't actually get to talk to Christopher very much, but Allen keeps in touch. He is a wonderful young man, I'm very proud of him. Not because I did anything to be proud of, but because he has grown into a good man. He is someone I'd like to be friends with even if he weren't my child. And of course Aidan is lots of fun to know. He just put clapping and cheering together with something good happened. Now when he sees something on TV or out the window that makes him particularly happy he claps his hands, then raises his hand or hands over his head and says "Yahoo!" He brightens even the darkest days.

Finally, I'm thankful that I have this computer, the internet, and the ability to create this blog. It's a way to keep track of things in my life, for myself and those I love who live so far from me. I may not be much of a creative writer but this is an outlet for me. I'm also thankful for everyone who stops by and reads my blog, Thank you people!