A night of nightmares and tears.

Everything started out Okay. We were at some kind of gathering, we needed somewhere to stay. Mark and Snowanna were with us, but she was only about 4 or 5, there were other members of my family there too, but I can't remember who they were. We discovered that a house that belonged to someone we were related to was available to all of us. So we settled in for the night.

Howard and Aidan were in a room decorated for boys, because Aidan loved it so much. There wasn't enough room in there for me, so I found another room across the ... Parking lot? ... from them. I could see their room from my window. Snowanna decided that she wanted to sleep with me, so she climbed in and snuggled up. When we woke up I showed Snowanna the view.

The scene switched a bit and I'm standing outside. I'm still talking to Snowanna, but she's grown up now. An old family friend we called "Bus" was backing a new white ford pick-up truck out of the ... Drive way? ... when I see Aidan coming around the back of the truck. I get "Bus" to stop and run over to pick Aidan up. I smile and wave at "Bus" as he leaves and waves back. (An aside here, Bus died 20 or so years ago. He loved all the kids, starting with my Dad. He and his wife were not able to have any children of their own.)

After Bus left I put Aidan down, we were at a park or other child oriented location. There where children every where. Aidan was being good and walking on the sidewalk instead of cutting across the parking lot. I was talking to someone, not Snowanna, and watching Aidan walk to his Daddy when this bus like RV pulled into the parking space between us. She was at an odd angle and pulled up onto the curb to try to help straighten it out. I was trying to see Aidan because he was in that area. She started to back up, the front end of her RV was taking out more of the sidewalk. I screamed and yelled at her to stop.

It seemed like forever, but I finally got her to see me and to hear me by banging on the glass door. She stopped. I looked under the RV to see if I could see where Aidan was. The front of the RV had tracks, like a tank, instead of wheels. I saw 3 little girls on the other side. They were staring at the tracks. One of them said "It just ran over his head." I looked at the tracks, there was a small distortion about the size and shape of a little body under the tracks, and I knew that it was Aidan. I screamed and that scream woke me.

The scariest part of the dream is that it's so easy to loose track of where Aidan is. Like most kids his age he is fearless, and he can move very quickly when he wants to. A moments distraction and he's gone to find something else to do. In the dream he was actually doing things the right way, he should have been safe, but he wasn't. It took me almost an hour to be able to think of it without crying again. I couldn't get back to sleep for over two hours, because I kept seeing it all over again. Touching Aidan, alive and sleeping in his own bed helped some. Sitting up at 4 AM to write this all down helped some more. What could this dream be trying to tell me?

The Fun Fur Project.

It's almost as tickely and soft as it looks.

The Fun Fur project, it's going to be a scarf. 

Presents and love.

For me this Holiday Season is all about the love. Family and friends. I, of course, like to get presents and to give them. I did get some interesting gifts this year. Howard and Aidan got me a Crock Pot slow cooker and a Scrapbook kit. Aidan got me 2 balls of bright red Fun Fur yarn because I've been wanting to try it ever since it came out. Howards Aunt gave me some make-up and moisturizer. (I don't use make-up but she is always giving me papers with hints on how to use make-up. LOL) My Parents sent me a Cookbook called "Early American Cookery" and a pair of hand knitted "scuffies" (aka Slippers). But the best gift of all was the Picture Share photos of my Mom with Xander and Snowanna with little DJ that Nicole sent me. I've been feeling kind of lonely and separate from my family and friends so that really brightened my day. The Love I feel for the wonderful people in my family, both blood relations and chosen family, and the love I feel from them is what makes this time of year special for me.

On this day.

Today is my Parents anniversary. If they hadn't gotten divorced for a while it would be their 46th! So I'd like to wish them a Very Happy Anniversary! (They recently got back together and re-committed to each other.)

Today is also the Winter Solstice, some calendar say that it's tomorrow though. So I'd like to wish all my Pagan friends a Peaceful and Happy Solstice.

For those who celebrate Christmas, to you I wish a Joyous and Merry Christmas.

This time of year I think about my family, those who are physically close to me and those far away. I remember those who have passed and the loving times we spent together over the years. I had a fairly calm and very happy childhood. Due for the most part to the family members who loved me, guided me, and allowed me to find my own path. I hope I have been able to pass some of the love to my own children.

For all my family and friends: I Love you, I miss you, and I send my love and best wishes for a Happy Holiday season.

Aidan in his outside toy. 

Life in California

It's been getting pretty cold here in the evenings. Not as cold as my New York friends, but cold for around here. It's been in the lower 30's at night for the last 4 or 5 nights. The highs have been in the 50's and even up into the lower 60's. It wouldn't be bad except that our furnace decided to stop working. I've felt colder at SCA events, but it's still kind of chilly in the house for most of the day. So far I've been able to warm it up a little baking cupcakes and making a roast. Hopefully we can get it fixed in the next few days.

When I see my Doctor, next month, I will have to remember to tell her about the dizzy spells and the balance problems I've had lately. I've had these problems for years, I'll be sitting still and I'll feel dizzy for no reason. But lately it's been more often and for a longer duration. I'm also starting to loose my balance just walking across the room. I can't remember the name of the condition she said could be causing it.

Aidan discovered that if you turn the TV off while it's Muted and then turn it on again it won't be muted any more. I'm still concerned about his language development, I'm sure that he can hear well since he can mimic things he hears. But he still has very few words. He will have a Doctors appointment after his second birthday, so I will talk to his Doctor about it then. Oh, he had his final check up with the surgeon. Everything looks good. He is 35.5 inches tall and 30 pounds.

Another Monday

Some things that make me smile today.

Finally getting the Celtic Knot work blanket in the mail to Snowanna.
Warm, black, fuzzy slippers.
Hearing Aidan laugh a real belly laugh when a bigger boy did tricks to make him laugh.
Thinking of the people I love.
Day dreaming about what I'd do with $60,000,000.

Alignment Quiz.

I found this on a blog I discovered the other day. He's a Riley too. For anyone who doesn't know what this is all about, it's a Dungeons and Dragons Personality alignment chart. If you go and take this little test, the link is at the bottom of the chart below, I'd like to know where you land.

You scored as True Neutral. A True Neutral person has two faces- either these people are merely apathetic, preferring to focus their minds on more important things, or these people truly believe in a balance of all things. To these people, there can be no light without some darkness. These people also have no dedication to, or intrinsic distrust of, laws. True Neutral 70% Lawful Good 65% Chaotic Good 60% Neutral Evil 55% Chaotic Neutral 50% Lawful Neutral 50% Neutral Good 50% Lawful Evil 35% Chaotic Evil 15% What is your Alignment? created with QuizFarm.com

Monday

It's Monday again. And even though I'd prefer to have another week-end day to be able to ignore anything I don't want to deal with, it's not going to happen. So the next best thing for me to do is try to remember some positive things for this chilly Monday morning.

Finding a new digital Camera on sale for a price we can afford.
Remembering a bag of boys clothing and finding 2 pairs of pants and a couple of shirts that will fit Aidan right now.
Discovering that it's not really so hard to drink enough water.
Watching movies on my new, really cheap ($28), DVD player.
Having a cell phone with week-ends free so that I can call my Mom and Nicole and talk as long as I want.
Medication that reduces the pain in my elbows and shoulders.
Watching Aidan dance to almost any music.

Holiday wishes.

Since there are several Holidays celebrated at this time of year, depending on your religious affiliation, I thought this was appropriate. It might or might not be something you want to do.

I got this from Cathy who got it from Michael. He borrowed it from Megan over at Divine Reality who stole it from Gina who took from The Mommy Blog, who stole it from Broken Fairy, and from Janet.

Step One:
Make a post to your weblog/journal. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all,big or small. The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want. If you wish for real life things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you. Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines.

Step Two:
Surf around your blogroll (or friend's blogrolls, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part: If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call. There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...Wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

My Holiday wish list:

1. Continued health for my Family
2. A Job for Howard. (He is finishing his A+ training.)
3. A rainbow of yarn colors.
4. Airplane tickets to New York to visit Xander, Nicole and Allen.
5. The windows and doors of my house weatherized so that my heating bill will go down.
6. An apartment size washer and dryer, the kind that stack would be good.
7. About $500 cash to pay off my Credit Card.
8. 3 or 4 pairs of jeans for Aidan. (size 2T, used in good condition is perfect.)
9. A new storage shed to put all the things I can't fit into the house in. (The old one is about to fall apart.)
10. A gas stove that works.

6 Years!

I am now the Grandmother of a 6 year old! It doesn't seem like it could be that long already since I heard that my Little Xander had been born. I've missed so much of his life, because we live so far apart. (He is in New York and I am in California) I don't have much money, so I haven't been able to go out to see him, or to bring him out to see me. I'd like to send him memorable gifts, I'd like to sit and talk with him. I know that he has wonderful parents, and for that I am thankful. So today I just want to say:

Happy 6th Birthday Xander!

With love from Grandma.

Another missed Monday

Oops! Somehow yesterday came and went without me hardly noticing. I was busy with the Health Educator and checking out all the details for getting insurance and the title switched for my car. I've found a pretty good deal for insurance, now I have to pay a "deposit" to get a paper that says that the car will be registered to me as soon as I get insurance. Because I can't get the registration until I have insurance and I can't get insurance until I get the registration. I'll also have to get it Smogged, a process I don't know anything about but will probably cost me $100. The tags expire in December, so I'll have to renew that too. I can't get a straight answer from DMV on how much this is going to cost me.

Now my Monday positives:

A good deal on a new DVD player. ($28 )
Having the extra cash to get the third Harry Potter Movie.
Aidan and I are feeling better after a couple of weeks with colds.
I have a plan to loose weight now. All I have to do is DO it. (That's the hard part.)
Allen bought the movie "Supersize Me" while he was here and we watched it, so when the Health Educator said I should rent it I could tell her I'd already seen it.

Holiday Wishes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm cooking dinner at home for Aidan, Howard and myself. It's nothing big, but I think it will be pretty good anyway.

Today I am thankful for:

The ability to cook for my family.
Food to cook.
My tiny, but warm and safe Home.
My family and friends.
This beautiful planet to live on.
My computer.
Knowing how to type well enough I can do it one handed while I hold Aidan who for some reason needs to sit on my lap RIGHT NOW!
Did I mention, My family? All of them, those who are close as well as those who are far away.
Oh and my friends, did I mention them? The people who like to talk to me just because they like me.
Thank you everyone! For being there for me if I need you. I wish you all a wonderful day!

Ears, nose and throat problems.

Well, it looks like I might be sick for Thanksgiving. My throat is starting to hurt, and my ears are painful as well. I've been coughing a lot lately and now my chest aches from it. My nose can't decide if it's going to be runny or clogged up. I'm starting to get that feverish feeling. In a way being sick is a good thing, I won't have to decide whether or not to go to Howard's Aunt's house for the family gathering. Two of the younger set are getting divorced and so probably won't be there, and my Mother-in-law might show up for a little while as well. I just feel the need to have Thanksgiving with just my own little family for a change. But, if I am feeling better and if Howard wants to go I'll go.

Doctors and health issues.

I had a Doctor's appointment last week. The bursitis in my elbows is better, but still a minor problem. I've also developed it in my left shoulder. My back problems are probably because of my weight. I'm about 150 pounds over weight. I can't believe that I've gotten so heavy. I've been working on reducing my portion sizes at meals, I've cut down on the sugar and the fat. And yet I've still gained about 8 pounds in 4 months. So I had blood work done today to check cholesterol and sugar levels and other things. Last year everything was really good, all the levels were perfect. I'm hoping that the same is true this time. Next week I'll be seeing a Health Ed. Specialist, who will help me with diet and exercise. I think Howard and I should go for a walk every afternoon when we get home. I pick him up at 4:30, so we would have an hour or two before dinner to walk. I don't think I'll do it alone, I need the encouragement and walking with someone is much more interesting than walking alone. I won't know until January what the results of the tests are, unless the Health Ed. Specialist can request them, then we might get the results sooner. So, I'm feeling kind of depressed about my weight, but I also feel that things are looking up for me as well.

Monday Positives

Getting in early for blood tests, so that I didn't have to wait too long.
Getting a referral to a Health Ed. Specialist who will help me figure out how to loose all this weight.
Hope for finding an exercise program that I can stick to.
Educational Websites that have ideas for things to do with toddlers.
As always, my wonderful family and friends who love me anyway.

Something my New York friends might understand.

I came across this Blog entry today. I found it through a link on The Zero Boss for The Diarist awards. This entry made me laugh and I wanted to shake this persons hand. It's up for an award as a comedic entry. I hope, if you read it, you will like it as much as I did.

An explanation of my love.

My husband, Howard, and I are so different in so many ways that I'm sure people wonder why we are together. I've been thinking of this a lot lately. Probably because of Allen's visit.

Some of the differences are:

1. His family is Lower Middle Class, and mine is Upper Middle to Lower Upper Class. This shows up most strongly in our language usage and our attitudes about education.
2. He was a bully of sorts in school, I tried to not be noticed.
3. He got into a lot of trouble, I seldom did things that would get me in trouble.
4. He drank and did drugs a lot when he was younger, I was never that interested in them and didn't know where to get drugs even if I wanted to.
5. He was in the Military, I'm a "Peace-ifist".
6. People say he is Rude and Crude, and while I may have my moments no one has said that of me.
7. He is bold and adventurous, I'd rather stay at home and be safe and warm.

I hope that I can explain clearly enough why I love him so very much.

When we first met it was Lust at first sight. I was instantly attracted to him on a purely physical level. We spent almost every day and night together for 2 weeks after that. I felt well taken care of. He asked me to marry him then. I agreed, but decided on a date 2 years in the future. We moved in together and right away I could see how much I needed him. I hate discord, and I never "rock the boat", but I needed to get some control over the young people who where staying in my apartment. I loved them all, they were friends of my two sons and were like my own kids in a lot of ways, but they didn't do chores, and they didn't do anything else to help out either. Howard took charge, because I couldn't, and set down some rules. Those who couldn't or wouldn't follow those rules left. My life was so much easier after that.

When there were emotional things I had to go through, such as the death of my Grandmother, he was there to allow me to fall apart, to cry and mourn. Until then I had always felt that I needed to be strong for others, that I couldn't cry and fall apart. It's so comforting to know that I could allow myself to be weak and to know that he still loved me and would be there to help me pick up the pieces.

No matter what it is that I want to do, Howard is supportive of it. He will do anything he can to help me do what I want to do. He may not agree with it, but he will still do what he can to help me. For example: He took the whole week off when Allen came to visit to make sure that we didn't have to worry about getting him to school or home. He also will work extra for Jimmy to pay for the trips over to San Francisco.

There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me as he has never loved anyone else. He is changing his language, cleaning it up so to speak. Part of that is because of Aidan, but even before Aidan was born he was using fewer curse words and the off handed way he sometimes used slurs had already started to change. He is less judgmental about other people now than he was before. This is because he knows it bothers me and is making an effort to curb it so as not to cause me any discomfort. He tries to keep things at least polite when talking with people I care about. He even kept the testosterone levels down while Allen was here, both of them were very nice and polite with each other. (Thank you Allen.)

I have also grown. I'm much more likely to stand up for myself than I was before. I feel free to say or do what I feel is the right thing and I don't worry so much about how others will feel about me when I do. I have far to go but I know that he will be there to help me up if I fall, and that he will let me fall sometimes because I need to learn from it.

I feel loved and cherished in every way. My heart still skips a beat when I see Howard or hear his voice. Our sex life is still interesting even after 7 years. (Howard's longest relationship before me was just over 1 year.) I'd rather be with him at home than anywhere else without him. I know that if I do have to go somewhere without him he will be at home when I get back. He is a wonderful Daddy for Aidan, he is showing a soft side that most people don't know about. He respects me even when he disagrees with me.

I'm not trying to say that everything is easy or that we always get along. We disagree a lot of the time, sometimes we debate the subject. We fuss and fight with each other just like other people do. It seldom goes farther than a few angry words. And the few times that one of us actually hurt the others feelings we were able to discuss it later and figure out why and how so we wouldn't do it again.

I could wish for more money, a bigger house, more things. But I don't think I could get much happier.

Monday Morning Positives.

It's hard to believe that it's Monday again already! Howard was home all week, because he took time off to be here while Allen was visiting and then Thursday was a Holiday and he doesn't have class on Fridays. It was really nice for Aidan to be able to spend time with his Daddy. They really miss each other when they don't get time together every day.

I'm thinking about Thanksgiving. I'm not sure what we will do this year, but we will be together and will probably go visit some family. So I thought I'd try to think of the things I'm truly thankful for to use as my Positives this week.

I am Thankful for:

My family, who love us regardless of our past miss deeds. (An example: My Brother Cody and his Wife Kelly would love to see Allen on a regular basis if he should move to the San Francisco Area to go to school. Even though the last time he went to visit with them he was quite a bit of trouble. This is so unlike Allen's Dad's family who pretend that Allen and Christopher don't even exist. Just because of the trouble they got into as youngsters.)

My life. Even though we don't have much that money can buy, I'm very happy with my life as it is. Some people might not think we are doing very well, because we have bills that need to be paid and our house is old and run down. But I get to stay home with Aidan and watch him grow. We own our little mobile home. We have a lot of love around here. Oh we fuss and even sometimes fight, but in the end we have lots of love here. We have enough to eat, and usually enough money to pay our bills and get a few extras.

Our health. For the most part we are pretty healthy. Aidan catches a cold now and then, but has been really sick only once in his 21 months. Howard and I each have our problems, mainly because of age. (Yes, I'm finally getting older, but I refuse to grow up!) But the problems we have are easily dealt with.

My extended family and friends. These people are there for us when ever I need them. They might not have much to share, but they will share what they have. They support me in my decisions even when they don't agree, and seldom say "I told you so." When they were right and I was wrong. (I love you guys so very much!)

Having the chance to know my sons as they grow up. I don't actually get to talk to Christopher very much, but Allen keeps in touch. He is a wonderful young man, I'm very proud of him. Not because I did anything to be proud of, but because he has grown into a good man. He is someone I'd like to be friends with even if he weren't my child. And of course Aidan is lots of fun to know. He just put clapping and cheering together with something good happened. Now when he sees something on TV or out the window that makes him particularly happy he claps his hands, then raises his hand or hands over his head and says "Yahoo!" He brightens even the darkest days.

Finally, I'm thankful that I have this computer, the internet, and the ability to create this blog. It's a way to keep track of things in my life, for myself and those I love who live so far from me. I may not be much of a creative writer but this is an outlet for me. I'm also thankful for everyone who stops by and reads my blog, Thank you people!

Updates

Today I woke up and the pain in the calves of my legs is almost gone! It was like having cramps in both legs at the same time until yesterday, and now it's only a little uncomfortable. I never expected it to be such a problem.

I'm also almost caught up with the house work that got left undone after I strained my back trying to move a dresser without taking things off of it or out of it. There for awhile I couldn't stand to wash dishes for more than 15 minutes at a time. (I was already behind because of catching a flu virus the week before.) I couldn't walk for more than 45 minutes. The first day I was almost normal was Sunday when we were in San Francisco. I've done all the pots and pans, and most of the other things. I fill up the dish drainer and then sit down to allow my back to rest. Then, if Aidan is still asleep, I put away the clean dishes and do some more. I've never been a very good house keeper. I am trying to do better, but there is always something else I want to do instead and I can't always resist.

I need to ask Allen if he will send me the pictures we took with his camera while he was here. He got some of Buddy and Psycho Cat, the house and I got some of him and Aidan together. I missed the opportunity to take any of them sitting in the chair together. They were so cute! Both of them handsome blue eyed boys that I love with all my heart.

I'm knitting a sock. Well, it will probably be a pair of socks eventually. It appears to be a fairly simple pattern. It's on 2 straight needles, rather than the 4 double pointed or a circular pair, so I will have to sew a back seam, but I think it will be ok. I have some yarn that my Mom gave me years ago, it's a dusty purple color, I'm not sure what it's made of, most likely it's acrylic. I'll probably wear them around the house, because they will be too bulky to wear with shoes. I'm also looking at patterns for hats and scarves, as well as mittens, to use up left over yarn, and found balls from a couple of estate clearances, and some yarn that my Mom had when she moved from her house to an RV.

My visit with Allen.

I had a wonderful visit with Allen. We decided to bring him home with us after all. It was nice to have him here. Even though the place was a mess, and I was a little embarrassed by just how "trailer trash" my house is. Oh well, I think he had a nice time anyway.

Aidan attached to Allen right away, they sat together in my chair and watched TV for a little while. I tired out my legs walking around Sunday. I'm not used to walking for so long at a stretch and then we went down and then back up a fairly steep hill. I am SO out of shape. LOL

I only regret that we didn't have longer together. Aidan and I miss Allen very, very much. Aidan was angry with me for leaving Allen at the Airport. I took a few pictures, but couldn't find my digital camera, so I'll have to wait until I can get my film developed to show you how Allen and Aidan looked together. Or maybe Allen will send me some of the ones we took with his digital camera.

We drove a total of almost 700 miles and spent about $100 on gas. We drove around San Francisco and Berkeley Sunday which took up a lot of the gas. The trip home on Sunday I think we took the longest possible route. I know that it took 3 gallons of gas more than the trip over did. I was so tired Tuesday, when we came home I hardly moved out of my chair until bed time. I miss Allen more now than I did before he came to see me, probably because it had been about 3 or so since I'd seen him. I wish we could live closer together, it would be good for me both emotionally and physically. If I could regularly walk for an hour and a half with Allen or someone else I could enjoy talking to it would help me loose weight. And I'd get to have time with my son.

Healing words for after the election.

For all of you who are still feeling hurt by the election results, (Or betrayed, or angry, or scared) here is a link to a sermon that Catawampus heard at her church this last Sunday. I think that all of you should at a moment and read what she has to say.

Short vacation.

Tomorrow we are going to go to San Francisco to see Allen. I was worried that Allen had changed his plans and forgot to let me know, because he said he'd call me before he left New York and he didn't, I found out that he lost his cell phone. He called me earlier today, and we will make arrangements as to where to meet tomorrow when Allen gets out of his tour. We plan to stay over there until Tuesday. It will be a nice little vacation. We don't have a lot of money, but I think we have enough for gas and a Motel 6 room. But probably not much more than that. I'll also get to see Megan and her new Lady Love. It will be nice, I haven't seen Megan for a couple of year now. Anyway I'll be gone for the Monday Positives, so I'll do them now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I get to see Allen!
I get to see Megan!
I talked to my Mom on the phone today, everything is OK up in Oregon.
Aidan is saying more things that I can understand.
I found some interesting Free Knit patterns on the Lion website. (I don't have a link sorry.)
I'm going to San Francisco!

Proof of voting.

Aidan wearing his "I voted" sticker.
In Shylah's blog, Simply Shylah, she mentioned taking a picture of yourself with your "I voted" sticker, I've never been good at taking pictures of myself, but since Aidan got one while we were there I took one of him instead. The sticker itself is washed out, but I think you can still tell what it is.

Our Tree.

Our tree now that it's fall.
I don't know why they do this to this particular type of tree, I'm not even sure what kind of tree it is. But every fall they cut off all the limbs. This IS the same tree as the picture I posted before.

Another little Red Dragon. 

Day after Halloween Pictures.  

One Halloween Picture.

My little Red Dragon!

The color is off, it was taken with the cheap-old-needs to be replaced digital camera in the house, but I guess a slightly green child is ok for Halloween. LOL I'm going to try to take some new ones this afternoon and hope that they will turn out ok. I'll post any that turn out later.

Vocabulary

For those of you who have, or think you have, a large vocabulary and for those who have a pretty good vocabulary I think you should check out this little Vocabulary Test I only got 147 out of 200, how well will you do?

Monday Positives

My friend Solomon's birthday is today!
Happy Birthday Solomon!
The weather finally feels like Autumn. Last night was very much like Halloween back home.
I'll be seeing Allen next week!
The Celtic knotwork baby blanket it finally finished! Pictures to be posted soon!

Happy Halloween!

10 Scary things.

1. Young children, say under 13, and uncontrolled water, rivers or lakes.
2. The thought of loosing Aidan, Allen, Christopher or Xander.
3. The way people drive in the rain here in California.
4. House Fires.
5. Guns.
6. Being trapped within my own head. Nonfunctional body with perfectly functioning mind unable to do anything.
7. The way some people treat their children.
8. The fact that some people even have children.
9. The thought of waking up next to a dead man.
10. Anything that includes unexpected pain. Pain that I haven't been prepared for.

Several of those things have been dreams over the years. Loosing the kids I love, and kids near water are recurring dreams for me. I've dreamed of loosing Allen and Christopher in rivers and lakes and not being able to get to them. It's scary enough that I can't relax when I'm at a river or lake and there are any kids there. I've also dreamed that my husband had died during the night while we were sleeping. I used to think that I wanted to die in my sleep until I thought of how my husband would feel waking up next to a dead body.

House fires, guns and the way Californians drive in the rain (at least the ones around here) are all also related to injury of the people I love. Although I think that I'd really hate to die by burning, I'm more afraid of a fire killing people I love.

Fears for myself are a little harder, I would really hate to be trapped in my own head unable to communicate with others. Thinking of pain I'm not prepared for is a little scary as well. My children were born by c-section, the thought of natural child birth and the pain I know nothing about is scary to me.

I find spiders to be creepy, but not scary. The same with snakes.

Monday Positives

Taking a nap when Aidan does.
The Celtic Knot work baby blanket is almost finished.
Reconnecting with the SCA.
Thoughts of returning to Oregon, to live, in the near future.
RAIN! Beautiful, wet, life giving rain! Finally!
Exclamation points to let people who read this blog know just how excited I am about something.

There is a well worded entry about the Gay Marriage issue in this blog. Blurbomat . I wish I could find the book I have that talks about Same Sex Marriages / relationships through the ages. I remember reading that until recently marriage was not a religious thing. (recent being in the last couple of hundred years or so.) I will have to search through my many boxes of things and find it. I know it's here somewhere because I've seen it since we moved to California.

Monday Positives.

Even though I wasn't feeling well, my birthday week-end was very nice. I spent it doing pretty much nothing but playing with Aidan and watching movies with Howard.

It actually started to rain! The highs are going to be around 70 or so for the next few days, and it will probably rain a little bit as well. I'm so happy!

The end of my head cold is finally in sight. I'm feeling so much better today, although not completely recovered.

Even though my DVD player decided to break down, Howard had already installed a program which allows us to play a movie on the computer and watch it on the TV.

My sweet husband washed all the dishes, and set up Aidan's new twin size bed. Just because I was feeling yucky and it was my birthday week-end. I know how much he hates washing dishes so it was a really big deal especially since I had fallen behind because of being sick for 3 days.

I talked to Snowanna yesterday. It sounds like she has things worked out pretty well. She and David are going to school through an internet school, which allows them to do things at their own pace and lets them stay at home with little DJ. It looks like David can graduate this school year, and Snowanna could graduate next school year. Both ahead of schedule. Then they plan to go to Community College, he wants to be an EMT, and she wants to be a juvenile Parole Officer. She is studying Spanish so that, maybe she will be able to qualify for bi-lingual status. I think she can do this, she is smart enough, and strong enough. She just has to keep with it, even when it gets hard. And it will get hard.

Happy Birthday to Me!

That's right, today is my birthday. How old am I, you ask? I'm 45. Yup, 45 years old. My age isn't an issue with me. The fact that I have a 25 year old son and a 22 year old son is an issue for me. How did they get so old? Wasn't it just last week that they were only 5 and 8? I feel much older being the mother of a 25 year old than I do being 45. Oh, and having a Grandson who is going to turn 6 in December! That makes me feel pretty old too. I love them all so much. I know that many parents feel like their kids grow up too fast, that time flashes by so quickly. I can't imagine how old my Mother must feel today. LOL

Today I'm just sitting around, resting. Because I've been kind of sick the last few days. I had a migraine last night and ended up throwing up just before I went to bed. Before that I felt sick for a few days, but didn't actually throw up. I also had a stiff back for most of the week. But today I feel much better, just a little tired.

Yesterday we put a twin size bed in Aidan's room. It just barely fits. We have the mattress and box springs set on edge against the wall for the time being. I have to decide what to do with my big old dresser. It's 19 inches deep so it's going to be a challenge. But I'm thinking about where I can squeeze it in. Tomorrow I'll move it, if I actually figure out where to put it. (Oh just in case you were wondering, Aidan is 20 months old as of the 14th. He's growing up pretty fast too!)

A swarm of tidal waves dream.

This was another dream where I was me, but not me somehow. I was living in a coastal community, maybe in Hawaii.

I had long straight dark hair, like a Hawaiian woman. Howard was not Howard and was also Hawaiian, and both of us were very young.

We were standing on the deck of his parents house looking out at the ocean. The house was atop a cliff over a beach. It was a very beautiful setting. Off to the right the cliff curved and shortened, so just that it eventually merged with the beach. We watched the children playing on the beach and the waves coming in. Then we noticed that the water was receding (like people describe it doing just before a tidal wave.) People ran up the path to the top of the cliff and watched a wave wash over a section of the beach.

Then, at what now seems like an unhurried pace, the water receded again, and another wave came crashing in a bit closer. People were talking about what they were going to do when the waves came to our part of the beach.

My husbands parents closed up their house, because it was built to sustain a tidal wave, and they would be safe in it. My Hubby and I decided to get our surf boards and try to ride the wave. Somehow I got separated from him and couldn't find him again. I also couldn't find my surf board. The wave was coming in so I swam to a ship or houseboat made from a Navy ship. I got in just in time to feel the wave rock the boat a little and then it was gone. I went back to my in-laws house, they had some cracked windows but that was all the damage they had. Some how they had gathered several children and we had to find their parents. Throughout all of this I was angry and worried about my husband.

In all we saw 4 waves. There didn't seem to be any real hurry about things, no fear, just excitement and wonder. The third one hit our area of the beach.

Monday morning positives

I'm happy that I didn't give myself a concussion when I forgot that the ceilings in this house are very low and flicked the sheet to straighten it out and ended up bringing down the whole fixture, breaking the bulb and giving myself a lump the size of a mouse ball in the center of my forehead.

I'm happy that my brothers are doing well after their separate medical experiences.

I'm happy that Aidan is growing up well and learning many things, even if one of them is climbing out of his bed which means that we will have to get him a new bed that won't be a falling hazard for him.

I am happy that Aidan's first adventure being awake and out of bed before anyone else led him to my room where he tried to tickle our toes with his chilly little fingers. He could have gone into the kitchen and tried to make breakfast, or dumped the trash, or satisfied his curiosity about the things under the sink.

The weather here is sunny, and warm. It's been in the lower 80's for about a week now. It's finally cooling off!! Yeah!

A weeks worth of posts, well maybe.

I'm sorry I've been so lax on keeping up with this. Aidan and I had a stomach bug or something. He threw up Tuesday night, Wednesday morning and that afternoon. By Thursday he was back to normal. I did throw up, but felt like it all day Wednesday and Thursday. I'm feeling pretty well today.

Not much progress has been made on the Baby blanket. Between feeling ill and my elbows hurting, I just couldn't do it.

Oh yeah! One really good thing did happen this week! On Sunday Howard and Jimmy gave me an early Birthday present. (My birthday is the 16th) It is a 1987 Dark Brown Cadillac DeVille. It's in beautiful shape, runs perfectly, and is much appreciated. The public transportation system around here sucks. It's worse than Salem in a lot of ways. Some things are within walking distance, but with the hot weather I haven't been able to go anywhere. Now I can go pick up milk when I need it. I don't feel so tied down to the house now either.

My sister-in-law brought some of Garrett's old cloths down for Aidan. Garrett is 10 months older than Aidan so it still works out well. There are some really nice things in there. Some of them where probably pretty expensive. Aidan is pretty well set for the next few months anyway, maybe even a year or more.

Howard got me "The Sims 2" I'm trying to learn how to play it now. It's more complicated than the original, some of it is easier, but some of it is harder. The frustrating thing about it, for me, is the build mode. It is harder to use than the old one. Buying and placing furniture is frustrating as well. I'm getting better, and will soon have my house built and furnished so that my family, sisters named Bridget and Arowyn O'Riley, can start their lives. I only play for a couple of hours in the after noon, and since Aidan is usually up, those hours are interrupted to play with him and keep him out of trouble. He likes the game too though so he will sometimes sit on my lap and watch. In the evenings, after Aidan is sleeping and if Howard is out working with Jimmy, I might play a little more. But usually Howard is home and that is his computer time.

Snowanna's son is here!

Little David Michael was born on Wednesday September 29 th! I've seen a few pictures of him and he looks so cute! He has lots of dark hair. I don't have all the details such as his weight and length yet, because my phone has been out of order for the last few days. It's working now, so maybe I'll get a call soon. If not I'll call my Mom after 9 tonight or tomorrow morning depending on what happens around here. I'm so excited! I'm a GREAT-AUNT! Now I have to really hurry on that baby blanket for him! Sorry for all the exclamation points, did I say that I'm EXCITED!

(edited to add:)


"David Michael was born Sept 29 around 1 pm, I believe. She had to have him Cesearian, as he was getting too tired. She did extremely well during the delivery and all, while I was there a few of the nurses came in telling her how wonderfully she did. The baby was 9lbs 4oz, 21 inches long. His chest was 18 inches across, and his head 11inches. They took his footprints and handprints while I was there, and he wasn't exactly happy about it. He just wanted to sleep! They had induced Snowanna the day before, and she was in labor for almost 24 hours - from the time she called to say she was being induced until the time she had him, it was almost 24 hours. She
should get to come home on Saturday, Mark and I are going to pick her up."

Thank you Eileen for all the details! In case you missed it, Eileen is my brother Mark's fiance. She also told me some other good news, Mark is doing well after his surgery. I am so glad that she is there for Mark and to help keep me up to date on things.

I guess I'm a Spyro-Graph.

What Childhood Toy from the 80's Are You? I didn't get the code copied and now the site isn't responding. Oh well. It's a Quizzilla quiz. Just something silly. I'll try later and see if I can get the description of me and you can decide if it fits or not.

(Edited to add:)

You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This and that.

I've been very tired lately. I think it's allergies for the most part. But I think that my bursitis medication isn't working as well as it used to, resulting in less restful sleep because of the pain. I've got to make an appointment with my Doctor and see what else, if anything, can be done.

The Celtic knotwork blanket is taking a long time to get done. I'm thinking of making only 2 knotwork panels and one seed stitch panel. That shouldn't take very long to do. Then I'll do the edging and get Snowanna's new address and get it off in the mail.

Aidan says something that sounds like a cross between 'mice' and 'ace'. He is trying to say 'nice'. He says it when he is petting the cat, as a reminder to himself to pet her nice and gentle. LOL He still tends to be a little rough with her, with out meaning to be. He says 'tee-tee' for kitty. I think I'm listening better now, it must have been (and still probably is) frustrating for him. His favorite word right now is 'What?' but he never says it just once. It's always 'What? What?' He uses it mostly when we ask him what he is doing, or when I go check on him and he is doing something he thinks he shouldn't be doing.

Pieces and flashes of a dream.

It was another dream that involved some kind of secret. I was doing secret things, hiding from some people, running, but none of it seemed to be truly "bad". Some times I had Aidan with me, sometimes I was alone. There were even times when I wasn't even me. I wish I could remember more, because it was interesting and fun.

Later I had another dream. I was back in college, but I was only 22. (For those of you who don't know me, I went to college later in life. I was a 30 year old freshman.) I still had my kids, all three of them, but they seem to have been triplets or something because they were all about 2. I was single, but that didn't seem to make any difference. Or maybe my Husband just didn't show up in my dream. Anyway, I was studying Anthropology, Art, and American Sign Language. As is typical in some of my dreams, I seemed to have enough time to study, play with the kids, go on picnics, go to class, get A's and still sleep 8 or 9 hours every night. This dream was more of a slice of life type thing. No chases, or monsters, not even any sex. The only reason I'm mentioning it is because it's the only dream I've remembered more than just flashes of in months.

Monday Positives.

It's harder to think of good things when you are feeling bad. I have a very stiff neck which is giving me a horrible head ache. On top of it I've been having stomach problems all day. But I like the thought of starting the week off on a positive note so here goes.

We got a new cell phone, it's a replacement for the old one that wasn't working well so it's the same type. But this one works, and has a screen I can actually read.

My family, who always seem to be there for each other. Sometimes it can only be emotional support, but sometimes that is more help than anything else.

My friends, because I know I can bitch and moan about my problems and they will still care about me.

Finally a cooling trend! The weather for the next week has been predicted to be in the mid to upper 80's.

Good medical care for the people I love.

I'm sure I've mentioned most of this before, but these are things that are positive and important in my life.

Updates.

I talked to Allen and Xander yesterday. It was nice to hear from them. Now I have their new address and Allen's phone number.

I called my Mom about Snowanna. She wasn't home so I left a message. Not long after I talked to Allen she called me. Here's the scoop: The baby isn't ready to be born yet. If she hasn't gone into labor before October 4th they will probably induce her. (Her original due date was September 18th.) So I have some more time to work on the blanket.

Oh yeah, the blanket is progressing ok. But now I remember why I don't like to make afghans in sections to be sewn together. I have a hard time keeping the tension the same from one piece to the other. I was nearly finished with the second panel when I checked it against the first. It's quite a bit bigger. An inch wider and with about 4.5 instead of 5 repeats of the main pattern it's about 2 inches longer! I think I like the bigger version better though, so I'll try to keep the tension looser for the next two panels. (I need three to finish the blanket.) If I can't keep them close enough I'll probably just make 2 panels of seed stitch and make them the same length as the panel I like the best. That will be easier to do since I won't have to worry about the pattern. I hope that I can actually finish the project as originally intended, but I'm willing to change it in order to finish it in time to send it to the baby.

Somewhere someone mentioned that maybe I should listen closer to what Aidan is saying. Maybe he is saying more words than I think he is because I'm not listening well enough. I'm trying to hear his words. Wish us luck.

People Pleaser, please don't rock the boat.

Yes that's me. I don't always say things I'd like to say, because I don't want to offend any one. I try to keep the peace, between the people I care about. I try very hard not to rock the boat.

Somehow I find myself drawn to situations where there is going to be conflict. I even go to message boards that are sure to have conflict. I might even participate if it's unlikely that anyone who knows me in real life will see it. I know that I care too much what other people think of me, I want people to think I'm nice - smart - creative - not at all bitch like, I'm working on that problem. I try not to discuss politics, because it might upset someone. I don't understand why I feel so afraid of upsetting things.

*I* don't stop liking people just because we have a difference of opinion. I read several Blogs even though their authors have stated political positions that are not my own. So why do I continue to worry that people will stop reading my blog if I state my opinions? Why do I even care if people read me? I'll continue to work on it, maybe some day you will read about what I think about some controversial issue.

Where did the week go?

I intended to blog this week, but somehow the week vanished on me and I just never got around to it.

This week I've been reminded of my family and how important they are to me.

I am grateful for:

My Mom, who is also my best friend, because she always encouraged me to do things and to learn new things. She might not have a lot of formal education but she is one of the smartest people I know.

My Dad, because he loves me no matter what. He might not have understood me, the things I wanted might not have mad any sense to him, but he did his best for me.

My brother Cody, because he is a caring person. He and I may not have much in common, we may not understand each other's sense of humor, but we are family.

My brother Mark, who is also my friend, because he challenges me to extend my mind. Our discussions are informative as well as fun. I enjoy spending time with him, just because. We have a deep connection.

My son Christopher, because he was my first child. He is a good man, with lots of care and love for the people in his life.

My son Allen, because he and I have a friendship that has grown as he has grown into a wonderful man. He is intelligent, loving, interested in the world around him and strong in his ideals.

My Grandson Xander, because he is my one and only grandchild. He is smart, well behaved, and loving. He is growing into such a wonderful person.

My son Aidan, because he is so sweet and I had given up on ever having an other baby in my life. I enjoy watching him learn and think things through. He is fun and very loving.

My husband Howard, because he puts up with all my crazy moods. He allows me to fall apart if I need to, and I know he will be strong for me instead of me needing to be strong for him. I don't think any man has ever loved me so much. (My dad, brothers, and sons don't count.)

All of my nieces and nephews, because they are the future. Each of them has something special. I hope each of them will be able to live up to their potential.

Hello, Monday

I like these Monday positives. It's nice to remember the good things in my life.

The new TV season is starting! I have a few returning favorites, and I like checking out all the new shows.
Having the right stuff for cleaning.
CHOCOLATE!
Cuddles and snuggles with Aidan.
Taking a Quizilla test and finding out I'm a "Goth Mama". (This is really funny and gave me a good laugh.)

Three years ago today.

I woke up that morning because my brother called and wanted to know if I was awake and watching TV. I reached for the remote and turned it on while asking him what was happening. It was just moments after the second plane had hit. I couldn't believe my eyes, I thought it might be a movie stunt or something, but when it went on and one, with pictures of things as they happened it slowly sunk in that it was real.

That is when I started to worry about my friends and family who live in New York. I didn't know where the schools and businesses they would be at were located in relation to the towers. (I'm a west coast girl) The phone lines were all jammed up so I couldn't call them. I thought of all the other people around the world who might be worried about loved ones, not knowing if they were ok or not. I tried to clear my mind to meditate and pray for the people who had died, and those who would grieve for them. For those who waited at distant locations wondering if they would ever talk to their son/ daughter/ brother/ sister/ father/ mother/ husband/ wife/ cousin/ aunt/ uncle/ or friend ever again. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't calm my mind, I couldn't clear the visions of those beautiful buildings falling, the people running, and imagined images of body parts and crushed, burning children.

My grandson lives on Staten Island, with his Mother my friend, his Father my son, and two very dear friends. I worried that he was too close, and that he was hurt and scared. I worried that his Mother might work too close, that she might be hurt or worse dead. I prayed that his Father, my son, had not been there because I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.

I heard from Allen later that evening, there were some free phones set up for people to call loved ones who were far away. He had been at home with Xander and Solomon, everyone was OK. Nicole had a hard time getting home, as did Gabrielle. But they had found each other and made it through the horrible traffic to get home. Allen planned to work at the volunteer food stations that some of the restaurants were setting up, to help keep the fire fighters, police and other rescue workers fed and to provide water and other drinks for them. I wished I could be there to help. I felt great relief that the people I loved where ok. I could cry for those that were lost, while rejoicing in the fact that I hadn't lost anyone.

Today, after three years, some of the details are blurred. I had been too upset and worried to take note of everything that happened that day. I still feel the panic, anger, worry, fear, and overwhelming sadness when ever I think of that day. Tears still blur my vision. I will never forget that day, I wouldn't want to.

My life Lately

Some days I seem to be too busy to breath. Other days seem to drag on forever. Maybe it's the plight of a Stay at Home Mom, maybe it's just the life of any Mom, or parent who is the primary care giver for a toddler. All I know is that it's very tiring either way.

Already today I've picked up Aidan's toys 3 times, because he just learned how fun it is to dump the toy box out. He does help me pick things up, sometimes, usually when he's tripped over something or slid on a book. Besides the sooner the toys are back in the box the sooner he can dump them out again. I still need to keep him out of the kitchen, but now it's because he learned how to open the cabinet under the sink, and turn on the stove. I probably should put the cleaning supplies somewhere he can't get to, which means in the higher cupboards, or hidden somewhere. But that makes them harder for me to get to them as well. As for the stove, it's a gas stove, one side has a problem with it's pilot light staying lit. So if he turns on the burners on that side we run a 50/50 risk of them being unlit and the gas filling the house. (Right now not too much of a problem, since I have windows open all over the house. )

I'm still concerned about his language development, Howards says I'm too worried about this stuff. That I need to relax and let him develop as he will naturally. That's all well and good, but I don't want him to have problems in school later. Whatever school he ends up going to.

Speaking of school, I've found some really interesting homeschooling links, some educational websites, thanks to Catawampus. Even if I don't homeschool these links could be very helpful to school age kids, and their parents.

I've been on a message group with several "Child-free" people on it. It's interesting to talk about the other side of things. These are people who don't have children by their own choice. Most of them are not "child-haters", some of them even really like kids. They just choose not to have any of their own. I can remember what it was like before Aidan came into our lives, and while it wasn't truly child-free because I already had kids who were already grown, I can sort of understand their position. I love kids in general, of course there are kids I don't like, but it was nice to have just adult things to think about. I could go where I wanted to, when I wanted to, as long as I had the money for gas. I could spend all day reading, or knitting, or visiting with friends. And all those other things that are very hard if not impossible with a child in tow. I do not regret having Aidan in my life. Though I do miss those child free times. The conversation on that site is interesting, people try to keep things friendly and open minded. Parenting issues, relationship issues, questions to help each other understand more about our choices. Until I found that group I had never thought of the differences. The name of the group is Tanglewood.

Blogging for books.

I thought some of you might be interested in this contest. I'm unsure enough about my own writing that I'm not sure I'll enter. I'll read through most of the entries, maybe I'll find some new blogs to read. Anyway here are the rules and the link. If you do this, I hope you have fun.

"Blogging for Books #3: Adaptation (Guest Author: Mark Falanga)
Change can be hard - both the kind we undertake ourselves, and the kind that is foisted upon us without our consent. While we human beings have a remarkable ability to adapt to change, we often fight it tooth and nail. Peace only comes when we learn to make the best of the hand we've been dealt.
For this Blogging for Books, write about a time when you struggled to adapt to a major change in your life. It can be a new job. Or the death of a loved one. Or, as in Mark Falanga's case, a move to the suburbs.
Post your entry to your own blog, and leave a comment to this entry linking to your post. You have until midnight, September 13th 2004, to submit your entry. My wife and I will choose the top seven entries, and author Mark Falanga will whittle it down to the top three. Entrants will be judged both on the entertainment value of their story and on the quality of their writing.
This month, courtesy of Broadway Books, all three winners will receive a signed copy of Mark's forthcoming book, The Suburban You.
Go!"

Tuesday

So, it's Tuesday again, and I missed another Monday. What makes me happy? What am I thankful for this week?

An understanding Husband. He puts up with, and forgives, my moods.
Allen and Mark. (both have birthdays the first week of September. Allen on the 4th and Mark on the 7th)
Another week to be alive.
The hope that the weather will finally turn cool.
Aidan's first drawing. Blue Uniball pen on white paper.
My tree, it's beautiful and gives us plenty of shade.

Difficulties.

Yesterday I found myself thinking that I was acting like a real bitch. I was being petty and mean to Howard for no reason at all. I knew this and I still didn't stop. Part of me wanted to stop, part of my tried to stop, but I couldn't. Maybe it's pre-menopause hormone things, I don't know. But I didn't like myself very well. My emotions and moods are really getting extreme these days. Maybe I should talk to the Doctor when I see her next.

Last night I noticed that the second panel of the Celtic Knotwork Baby Blanket felt a little stiffer than the first one. I was at the 60 rows point and decided to check it against the first. I found that I was knitting it much tighter than the other one, it was about a quarter of an inch off in length and width. So I pulled it all out. {sigh} I tried to cast on and do the first row before going to bed, but I couldn't get it right for some reason. I'll try again tonight. I have to keep working on it as steady as I can, the baby is due soon. I guess since I haven't heard that he was born yesterday Allen won't have to share his birthday with him, actually I think Allen would have liked that. Mark's birthday is Tuesday, he wouldn't mind if his grandson were to be born on his birthday. Maybe little David will wait a few days and have his own birthday. Anyway, I have to hurry and get it done.

Happy Birthday to you, my Son.

I know that Allen seldom if ever reads this, but today is his 22nd birthday.

Allen, If you are reading this, I just want you to know how much I love you, how proud of you I am. I wish I could be with you for your birthday, I miss you so much! Yesterday I was looking at some pictures of you when you were little, and I thought of how sweet it was to hug you. Do you remember the love tank? Well mine is running kind of low on Allen hugs and kisses. I know I'll see you, hopefully, in November, but today I feel the distance more deeply than normal. Take Care of yourself today, have a wonderful, fun, and special day just as you deserve.
Remember I will love you forever.
Your Mom.

Something old.

The big old Cactus in out yard.

The tree at 4:30 PM

Our tree.

Play time out in the yard.

Chasing Mommy.

Fairly close up.

Aidan almost caught Mommy. 9/2/2004.

Running in the yard.

Aidan out in the yard. September 2, 2004.

Life continues

I've been feeling kind of yucky the last couple of days. Not a specific illness, just general YUCK.

I checked some of the profiles from our family and friend group and found Sara and Mikey's son's web page. His name is Sammuel Xavier. He's really cute.

I didn't do anything on the baby blanket last night. But I'm feeling better today so hopefully I'll get some done tonight.

My son Allen will have his 22nd birthday on Saturday. It's hard to believe that he's all grown up. I am so proud of him! My brother Mark will turn 36 on the seventh. I really miss him. We used to have some of the best conversations.

I hope I'll be able to take pictures of Aidan today. The camera may not be really good, but I'll be able to share some pictures soon.

The whole panel.

The whole Panel.
Again the color is all wrong. I hope you see it better than it appears on my monitor. I lost my tape measure, but each repeat of the pattern is about 5 inches long so I'd guess it's 25 inches at this point. I'm not sure of the width. There will be 3 panels sewn together. Then I'll add a border that will be decided on when it's finished, but will probably be 3 or 4 inches at the top and bottom with just a tiny (single crochet) edge on the sides. I'll take more pictures as the progress goes on. The baby is due in Mid September, I hope I can get it finished and mailed before he is too old to use it.

A closer look.

More Detail
The color is way off in this one, but you can see the details of the knotwork. Did you notice the mistake?

Celtic Knotwork baby blanket, the first Panel.

The color isn't quite right, my camera is pretty old and wasn't that good to start with. The actual color is a soft baby blue.
Photos of the first panel.

Monday Positives.

Well, it's Monday again. I should have done this, this morning but I didn't get around to it.

I finished the first panel of the Celtic Knotwork blanket. I'm happy with it.
Aidan said "Bye, Dad." this morning when Howard left for class.
Interesting blogs, by intelligent people.
Message groups with interesting conversation.
Avocados!

The Educational options Debate

Several of the blogs I read regularly have been discussing the Public School system. (catawampus) Most of them agree that the system, as it is, is set up to keep the middle class in their place. It's difficult if not impossible to rise above your social class. Publicly schooled kids are taught to follow not to lead. It's good to know how to co-operate with others, how to get along with a group, but in public school they are not taught to be independent or creative they are discouraged from asking too many questions. Especially those questions that challenge the status quo. Add these things to the large class size in which the slowest kids set the pace for all the rest. The lack of programs for talented kids, and cut backs in art and music. And you get kids that just go through the paces because they have to, or drop out because they are bored or just can't get it. Very effective wouldn't you say?

The options discussed, are finding Private Schools that you can afford to send you kids to. But they still won't be as good as the ones the Elite kids are going to. Or Homeschool. Homeschooling is a good choice. I wish I could have done it with Allen and Chris. I just wasn't strong enough for it then. Now the cost will be the biggest deterrent. One curriculum I'm looked at, Calvert School, was recommended on one of my Mommy boards. It costs $240 for a pre-kindergarten curriculum, $335 for kindergarten, $590 for first grade. This probably isn't much compared to private schools, but to those with limited incomes, it could be the deciding factor between public school and homeschool. Even with the payment options of 50% down, 6 monthly installments, or 20% down, 3 monthly installments, it could keep some families from homeschooling their kids. I'm interested in it for Aidan, if I can swing the money. But it still seems that those with more money get a better education than those with less money.

What I've been up to lately.

I finished the first panel of the Celtic Knotwork Baby Blanket for Snowanna's little boy. My elbows are doing good now, and so is my back. I only get to work on it when Aidan is sleeping, and during his naps I try to catch up on email, message groups, and the blogs I read everyday. So that means that I knit from 8:30 PM until 11:00 or maybe 12:00. It's going to take a while to finish, but I'm determined to finish it as quickly as I can. I'll get a picture of the first panel as soon as I can get batteries for the digital camera. Then I'll post it so you can comment. Advice and criticism is welcome.

I finally got Aidan's room cleared out today. We had been using part of it as a storage area since we moved in here in April. I got most of the stuff out of there and rearranged the placement of things. I hope there will be room for a twin sized bed in the near future. If not I'll have to figure out what to do with my dresser. Right now he has room to play, but all his toys are in drawers in the built-in area and he has some difficulty getting to them.

A challenge.

Pewari had this challenge on her blog today. I thought I'd give it a try.


My question to you is this: if you were to meet yourself from a decade ago, would you recognize yourself? Would you have anything in common? Would you get on, or would you find yourself irritated with your naivete? Would you tell yourself to do anything differently or do you accept everything that has happened between then and now as necessary on the path to who you are now and who you are to become?

10 years ago, I was still married to Dannan. Chris was 15 and Allen was almost 12. College was still a focus in life, getting my degree. And getting my boys raised into the men I knew they could be.

I don't think the me then would know me now, and if I did I'd probably be disappointed that I never did anything with my degree. Although the knowledge that I did get it would be great.

The Today me wouldn't have much to say to the Then me, except that maybe I should reconsider my major and look for something that would be easier to find work with. A BA in Social Science isn't very marketable right now. I loved the classes I did though, and the people I met while doing those classes, so it wasn't a complete waste. I'd maybe tell myself to push through the burn out and get that Masters Degree. I could almost always find work with a MSW or other related degree.

I'm actually pretty happy with how my life is working out. Having more money would be good, but I do love being home with Aidan and being a "Home Maker". It's a trade off at this time, but one I think I'm happy with.

Aches and pains

This morning I'm feeling quite a bit of pain in my elbows, shoulders and lower back. It started yesterday, I don't know what I did to it. I took a nap earlier because I couldn't turn over without waking up because of the pain. I'm better now, after the nap. But I'm still aware of the problems. I don't have any strong pain pills, and I've taken as much over the counter pain medication I can. This means that I won't be working on the baby blanket today. Knitting really stiffens up my elbows, and I tend to tense up my shoulders while I knit. I'll have to think of something for dinner that won't mean I'll need to stand at the stove for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Aidan and I will probably not go outside today, we still don't have a fence and I don't think chasing after him all over the place will do my back any good. I'll have to make sure that Howard takes him out for a little while after he gets home from class.

Other wise there isn't much going on around here today.

Phone calls that bring up the past.

Allen called me last night. We talked about many things but the one that stuck with me was about his father and that side of the family. I guess that his Dad's brother, Russell, likes to pretend that Christopher and Allen don't exist. His kids have never heard of them. It's so strange. And it's too bad because they are missing out on special people. I try not to say bad things about their Dad to my older sons. I wanted them to decide on their own what kind of person he was. But he was and is a man who likes to control the lives of other people, and yet he is probably still a Mama's boy. He couldn't make any decisions with out asking her. It hurts me that my sons, especially Allen, were hurt by those people. I wish I could have protected them from that. But I couldn't do that, they had to know their Dad and his family. Emotional abuse comes easy for them, as does rejection. They turned their backs on Allen, when he needed them the most.

Don, Allen and Christopher's Father, needed someone to be at fault when anything went wrong. That's why we didn't go to more than one Marriage councilor session. She wouldn't tell him whose fault it was that our marriage wasn't working. He needed to know who was at fault when Christopher was diagnosed with Disgraphia (similar to Dislexia but involving writing), hyper sensitivity to touch (His skin literally feels touches more intensely than average people), and a problem with authority. He needed to know who did what to cause Allen to have the problems he had in school, ADD, oppositional disorder, and an ability to press the buttons of almost any adult. Actually I believe he wanted someone to tell him that I was a bad Mother, that I raised them wrong, or did something to them so that they had these problems. I don't think he would have believed it if they had said that their problems were based in HIS interactions with them or his lack of interaction.

I wasn't a good wife for Don, I didn't keep the house like his Mother did, and I wanted to spend time with my friends. I never rebelled against my parents, so I think I might have rebelled against him some how. I didn't like having to justify spending money to get the kids shoes or cloths, when he was spending hundreds on ham radio equipment, so I would lie to him, or take money out of his wallet. In the end I knew that I didn't love him any more, but I would have stayed and tried to work things out if he had been willing to try. Instead he wanted a separation, I told him that if I moved out I would not come back. He didn't believe me. He even told my friends that I would come crawling back to him under his terms. {Sigh}

For Allen and Christopher's sake I wish they could have had a better father. But they turned out OK anyway. I'm proud of them.