Traditional family roles.

I may have mentioned before that I feel at conflict with myself sometimes. On the one hand, I'm very much an old fashioned wife and mother. I like stay at home with the kids, I like knitting, sewing, cooking and even feel a bit of pride when I manage to keep the house clean for several days at a time. I like planning things for my family, and bringing it off well.

On the other hand I also enjoy working, or going to school. Maybe because the kinds of jobs I'd be doing would revolve around kids and families. I like being out and about, spending time with other adults, and making money.

I think I've found a good compromise, at least for now, watching kids in my home. I can usually find the time to do the things I like to do, and still make money. Being a good housekeeper is harder to work out, because I feel that my JOB is watching the kids not cleaning the house. Right now I work for 11 hours 5 days a week. I do the big cleaning on week-ends, and do the daily dishes in the morning between waking up to get The Boy to school and walking out the door to get him on the bus. Sometimes I do some dishes or other cleaning while the girl I babysit is napping. I can knit and watch her, but sewing has to wait until the week-end because it's kind of noisy and demands more attention than I'd like to take away from watching her.

My husband and I are equals in our marriage. We are not the same, however. Our talents and educations differ and that helps determine our roles. I'm much better at watching the kids, cleaning, and other domestic things, he is better at things that need more physical abilities, like moving the furniture, and dealing with tools. I deal with the people stuff, he deals with the mechanical stuff. He fixes our computers, I call and deal with people about bills or other problems. I'm sure I could make it without him, I just wouldn't like it as much. I'm sure he could make it without me, he just wouldn't like it as much either.

We seem to have fallen into more traditional gender roles. It's not because either of us thinks that's the way it should be, but because that's the best way to use our individual talents and strengths. There are people who seem to feel that I'm not a very good feminist because I do more of the old fashioned wifely things. Or that my husband is a male chauvinist because I don't work out side the home. Neither is true. I'm learning that what other people think doesn't really matter. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn. I have to keep reminding myself of some advice my Grandmother gave me, "Do what makes you happy, because at least one person will be happy. Trying to do things just to make other people happy doesn't always work." I'm trying to remember that as long as our family is happy it doesn't matter what other people think.

I'm lucky to have the family and friends I do.

I've noticed a lot of discussion lately about two subjects that are rather important to me, Breastfeeding and Adoption. Maybe I was just lucky when I was born into my family, but neither of these subjects has ever been an issue. My friends have never been anything but supportive. Even 28 years ago, when I was breastfeeding Christopher, I never ran into anyone who told me to cover up, or that I shouldn't do that in public. Of course I wasn't out in public all that often, but if my baby needed to eat and we were out, I nursed him. Maybe I was more comfortable, or my clothing fit looser, or something because I don't think anyone noticed when I'd sit somewhere quiet and nurse. When it was cold out I might cover up with a blanket, but not in the heat. Christopher was born in May, I nursed him for just over a year, so we had our fair share of warm weather. I don't remember being worried about offending other people, or looking for someplace to nurse where others wouldn't see me, but maybe I did at least subconsciously. I know that I nursed in front of family members because I can remember talking to my little cousin and telling her what I was doing. Well actually she asked me "What is he doing?" LOL

I never ran into the over zealous breastfeeding women after The Boy came along. Since I didn't give birth to him and didn't know that I could do something to start lactation, I had to feed him formula. I've heard of women who have been actually yelled at for giving their babies bottles. Again I was lucky because I never ran into any of them. I can see both sides of this issue, because I've been there. It is better for a baby to be breastfed if at all possible, however it isn't condemning a child to ill health if for some reason the Mother can't breastfeed. Some people will say that using formula is the lazy way, but for me it would have been easier to breastfeed, I hated getting up in the middle of the night to make a bottle. Picking him up, he slept right next to me in a bassinet, and latching him on would have been so much more relaxing. Some Mom's don't have it that easy, I realise that, and I really respect their decision to continue nursing even through the pain and other problems.

I've also read discussions recently about adoption. That people still feel that it should be kept secret, that there is some shame in it somehow. Again, I've been lucky. My family and friends are all very supportive of adoption. No one seems to feel that adopted children are second best, or that they aren't "really" part of the family. I know that I love The Boy as much as I love Christopher and Allen. I love them each differently, of course, because they are all very different people. But I do love them all just as much as I love the others. I love all 5 of my brother Cody's kids, and think of them as family. Some of them are adopted, but that doesn't matter to me, or to the rest of our family.

So, I've been lucky. I haven't had to face the people who would try to shame me for my decisions. I haven't had to defend my choices or describe the circumstances that led to our situation. I am very grateful for that. I am also very grateful for my family and friends who have always been supportive of me. (Even though I didn't know some of my friends today back when Christopher and Allen were babies, the friends I had then were supportive and the friends I have now are supportive. Thanks you guys!)

I've been thinking...

... that I can forgive the people I love for almost anything.

There are of course things that could be called unforgivable. I think most of us have similar lists, but there are things that I could forgive that maybe you couldn't.

Anyway, I was thinking about my family and the frustrations, misunderstandings, angry words, and even out right lies that have passed between us. Some things that have passed between me and members of my family wouldn't be forgiven if it had been a friend, in fact the friendship might even be lost. (I'm including family by choice here, they can get away with things even blood relatives sometimes can't.) There are members of the family that I'd rather not talk to right now. I'll probably get past it eventually, because I do still love these people. I can only hope that they feel the same way about me.

I'd like to spend more time with some of my family, but either we just don't connect (too busy with our own lives), or they are holding something against me, Aidan or Howard. I THINK it's because we just don't seem to be able to manage to make the arrangements unless someone else makes them for us. None of us are good at calling, writing or e-mailing each other. That's why I like these blogs, it lets me keep in touch with people. Some who read here have blogs I also read, others don't have blogs at all (that I know of anyway).

So do you forgive easily? Or does it take a lot to get back into your good graces?