Monday Positives.

It's harder to think of good things when you are feeling bad. I have a very stiff neck which is giving me a horrible head ache. On top of it I've been having stomach problems all day. But I like the thought of starting the week off on a positive note so here goes.

We got a new cell phone, it's a replacement for the old one that wasn't working well so it's the same type. But this one works, and has a screen I can actually read.

My family, who always seem to be there for each other. Sometimes it can only be emotional support, but sometimes that is more help than anything else.

My friends, because I know I can bitch and moan about my problems and they will still care about me.

Finally a cooling trend! The weather for the next week has been predicted to be in the mid to upper 80's.

Good medical care for the people I love.

I'm sure I've mentioned most of this before, but these are things that are positive and important in my life.

Updates.

I talked to Allen and Xander yesterday. It was nice to hear from them. Now I have their new address and Allen's phone number.

I called my Mom about Snowanna. She wasn't home so I left a message. Not long after I talked to Allen she called me. Here's the scoop: The baby isn't ready to be born yet. If she hasn't gone into labor before October 4th they will probably induce her. (Her original due date was September 18th.) So I have some more time to work on the blanket.

Oh yeah, the blanket is progressing ok. But now I remember why I don't like to make afghans in sections to be sewn together. I have a hard time keeping the tension the same from one piece to the other. I was nearly finished with the second panel when I checked it against the first. It's quite a bit bigger. An inch wider and with about 4.5 instead of 5 repeats of the main pattern it's about 2 inches longer! I think I like the bigger version better though, so I'll try to keep the tension looser for the next two panels. (I need three to finish the blanket.) If I can't keep them close enough I'll probably just make 2 panels of seed stitch and make them the same length as the panel I like the best. That will be easier to do since I won't have to worry about the pattern. I hope that I can actually finish the project as originally intended, but I'm willing to change it in order to finish it in time to send it to the baby.

Somewhere someone mentioned that maybe I should listen closer to what Aidan is saying. Maybe he is saying more words than I think he is because I'm not listening well enough. I'm trying to hear his words. Wish us luck.

People Pleaser, please don't rock the boat.

Yes that's me. I don't always say things I'd like to say, because I don't want to offend any one. I try to keep the peace, between the people I care about. I try very hard not to rock the boat.

Somehow I find myself drawn to situations where there is going to be conflict. I even go to message boards that are sure to have conflict. I might even participate if it's unlikely that anyone who knows me in real life will see it. I know that I care too much what other people think of me, I want people to think I'm nice - smart - creative - not at all bitch like, I'm working on that problem. I try not to discuss politics, because it might upset someone. I don't understand why I feel so afraid of upsetting things.

*I* don't stop liking people just because we have a difference of opinion. I read several Blogs even though their authors have stated political positions that are not my own. So why do I continue to worry that people will stop reading my blog if I state my opinions? Why do I even care if people read me? I'll continue to work on it, maybe some day you will read about what I think about some controversial issue.

Where did the week go?

I intended to blog this week, but somehow the week vanished on me and I just never got around to it.

This week I've been reminded of my family and how important they are to me.

I am grateful for:

My Mom, who is also my best friend, because she always encouraged me to do things and to learn new things. She might not have a lot of formal education but she is one of the smartest people I know.

My Dad, because he loves me no matter what. He might not have understood me, the things I wanted might not have mad any sense to him, but he did his best for me.

My brother Cody, because he is a caring person. He and I may not have much in common, we may not understand each other's sense of humor, but we are family.

My brother Mark, who is also my friend, because he challenges me to extend my mind. Our discussions are informative as well as fun. I enjoy spending time with him, just because. We have a deep connection.

My son Christopher, because he was my first child. He is a good man, with lots of care and love for the people in his life.

My son Allen, because he and I have a friendship that has grown as he has grown into a wonderful man. He is intelligent, loving, interested in the world around him and strong in his ideals.

My Grandson Xander, because he is my one and only grandchild. He is smart, well behaved, and loving. He is growing into such a wonderful person.

My son Aidan, because he is so sweet and I had given up on ever having an other baby in my life. I enjoy watching him learn and think things through. He is fun and very loving.

My husband Howard, because he puts up with all my crazy moods. He allows me to fall apart if I need to, and I know he will be strong for me instead of me needing to be strong for him. I don't think any man has ever loved me so much. (My dad, brothers, and sons don't count.)

All of my nieces and nephews, because they are the future. Each of them has something special. I hope each of them will be able to live up to their potential.

Hello, Monday

I like these Monday positives. It's nice to remember the good things in my life.

The new TV season is starting! I have a few returning favorites, and I like checking out all the new shows.
Having the right stuff for cleaning.
CHOCOLATE!
Cuddles and snuggles with Aidan.
Taking a Quizilla test and finding out I'm a "Goth Mama". (This is really funny and gave me a good laugh.)

Three years ago today.

I woke up that morning because my brother called and wanted to know if I was awake and watching TV. I reached for the remote and turned it on while asking him what was happening. It was just moments after the second plane had hit. I couldn't believe my eyes, I thought it might be a movie stunt or something, but when it went on and one, with pictures of things as they happened it slowly sunk in that it was real.

That is when I started to worry about my friends and family who live in New York. I didn't know where the schools and businesses they would be at were located in relation to the towers. (I'm a west coast girl) The phone lines were all jammed up so I couldn't call them. I thought of all the other people around the world who might be worried about loved ones, not knowing if they were ok or not. I tried to clear my mind to meditate and pray for the people who had died, and those who would grieve for them. For those who waited at distant locations wondering if they would ever talk to their son/ daughter/ brother/ sister/ father/ mother/ husband/ wife/ cousin/ aunt/ uncle/ or friend ever again. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't calm my mind, I couldn't clear the visions of those beautiful buildings falling, the people running, and imagined images of body parts and crushed, burning children.

My grandson lives on Staten Island, with his Mother my friend, his Father my son, and two very dear friends. I worried that he was too close, and that he was hurt and scared. I worried that his Mother might work too close, that she might be hurt or worse dead. I prayed that his Father, my son, had not been there because I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.

I heard from Allen later that evening, there were some free phones set up for people to call loved ones who were far away. He had been at home with Xander and Solomon, everyone was OK. Nicole had a hard time getting home, as did Gabrielle. But they had found each other and made it through the horrible traffic to get home. Allen planned to work at the volunteer food stations that some of the restaurants were setting up, to help keep the fire fighters, police and other rescue workers fed and to provide water and other drinks for them. I wished I could be there to help. I felt great relief that the people I loved where ok. I could cry for those that were lost, while rejoicing in the fact that I hadn't lost anyone.

Today, after three years, some of the details are blurred. I had been too upset and worried to take note of everything that happened that day. I still feel the panic, anger, worry, fear, and overwhelming sadness when ever I think of that day. Tears still blur my vision. I will never forget that day, I wouldn't want to.

My life Lately

Some days I seem to be too busy to breath. Other days seem to drag on forever. Maybe it's the plight of a Stay at Home Mom, maybe it's just the life of any Mom, or parent who is the primary care giver for a toddler. All I know is that it's very tiring either way.

Already today I've picked up Aidan's toys 3 times, because he just learned how fun it is to dump the toy box out. He does help me pick things up, sometimes, usually when he's tripped over something or slid on a book. Besides the sooner the toys are back in the box the sooner he can dump them out again. I still need to keep him out of the kitchen, but now it's because he learned how to open the cabinet under the sink, and turn on the stove. I probably should put the cleaning supplies somewhere he can't get to, which means in the higher cupboards, or hidden somewhere. But that makes them harder for me to get to them as well. As for the stove, it's a gas stove, one side has a problem with it's pilot light staying lit. So if he turns on the burners on that side we run a 50/50 risk of them being unlit and the gas filling the house. (Right now not too much of a problem, since I have windows open all over the house. )

I'm still concerned about his language development, Howards says I'm too worried about this stuff. That I need to relax and let him develop as he will naturally. That's all well and good, but I don't want him to have problems in school later. Whatever school he ends up going to.

Speaking of school, I've found some really interesting homeschooling links, some educational websites, thanks to Catawampus. Even if I don't homeschool these links could be very helpful to school age kids, and their parents.

I've been on a message group with several "Child-free" people on it. It's interesting to talk about the other side of things. These are people who don't have children by their own choice. Most of them are not "child-haters", some of them even really like kids. They just choose not to have any of their own. I can remember what it was like before Aidan came into our lives, and while it wasn't truly child-free because I already had kids who were already grown, I can sort of understand their position. I love kids in general, of course there are kids I don't like, but it was nice to have just adult things to think about. I could go where I wanted to, when I wanted to, as long as I had the money for gas. I could spend all day reading, or knitting, or visiting with friends. And all those other things that are very hard if not impossible with a child in tow. I do not regret having Aidan in my life. Though I do miss those child free times. The conversation on that site is interesting, people try to keep things friendly and open minded. Parenting issues, relationship issues, questions to help each other understand more about our choices. Until I found that group I had never thought of the differences. The name of the group is Tanglewood.

Blogging for books.

I thought some of you might be interested in this contest. I'm unsure enough about my own writing that I'm not sure I'll enter. I'll read through most of the entries, maybe I'll find some new blogs to read. Anyway here are the rules and the link. If you do this, I hope you have fun.

"Blogging for Books #3: Adaptation (Guest Author: Mark Falanga)
Change can be hard - both the kind we undertake ourselves, and the kind that is foisted upon us without our consent. While we human beings have a remarkable ability to adapt to change, we often fight it tooth and nail. Peace only comes when we learn to make the best of the hand we've been dealt.
For this Blogging for Books, write about a time when you struggled to adapt to a major change in your life. It can be a new job. Or the death of a loved one. Or, as in Mark Falanga's case, a move to the suburbs.
Post your entry to your own blog, and leave a comment to this entry linking to your post. You have until midnight, September 13th 2004, to submit your entry. My wife and I will choose the top seven entries, and author Mark Falanga will whittle it down to the top three. Entrants will be judged both on the entertainment value of their story and on the quality of their writing.
This month, courtesy of Broadway Books, all three winners will receive a signed copy of Mark's forthcoming book, The Suburban You.
Go!"

Tuesday

So, it's Tuesday again, and I missed another Monday. What makes me happy? What am I thankful for this week?

An understanding Husband. He puts up with, and forgives, my moods.
Allen and Mark. (both have birthdays the first week of September. Allen on the 4th and Mark on the 7th)
Another week to be alive.
The hope that the weather will finally turn cool.
Aidan's first drawing. Blue Uniball pen on white paper.
My tree, it's beautiful and gives us plenty of shade.

Difficulties.

Yesterday I found myself thinking that I was acting like a real bitch. I was being petty and mean to Howard for no reason at all. I knew this and I still didn't stop. Part of me wanted to stop, part of my tried to stop, but I couldn't. Maybe it's pre-menopause hormone things, I don't know. But I didn't like myself very well. My emotions and moods are really getting extreme these days. Maybe I should talk to the Doctor when I see her next.

Last night I noticed that the second panel of the Celtic Knotwork Baby Blanket felt a little stiffer than the first one. I was at the 60 rows point and decided to check it against the first. I found that I was knitting it much tighter than the other one, it was about a quarter of an inch off in length and width. So I pulled it all out. {sigh} I tried to cast on and do the first row before going to bed, but I couldn't get it right for some reason. I'll try again tonight. I have to keep working on it as steady as I can, the baby is due soon. I guess since I haven't heard that he was born yesterday Allen won't have to share his birthday with him, actually I think Allen would have liked that. Mark's birthday is Tuesday, he wouldn't mind if his grandson were to be born on his birthday. Maybe little David will wait a few days and have his own birthday. Anyway, I have to hurry and get it done.

Happy Birthday to you, my Son.

I know that Allen seldom if ever reads this, but today is his 22nd birthday.

Allen, If you are reading this, I just want you to know how much I love you, how proud of you I am. I wish I could be with you for your birthday, I miss you so much! Yesterday I was looking at some pictures of you when you were little, and I thought of how sweet it was to hug you. Do you remember the love tank? Well mine is running kind of low on Allen hugs and kisses. I know I'll see you, hopefully, in November, but today I feel the distance more deeply than normal. Take Care of yourself today, have a wonderful, fun, and special day just as you deserve.
Remember I will love you forever.
Your Mom.

Something old.

The big old Cactus in out yard.

The tree at 4:30 PM

Our tree.

Play time out in the yard.

Chasing Mommy.

Fairly close up.

Aidan almost caught Mommy. 9/2/2004.

Running in the yard.

Aidan out in the yard. September 2, 2004.

Life continues

I've been feeling kind of yucky the last couple of days. Not a specific illness, just general YUCK.

I checked some of the profiles from our family and friend group and found Sara and Mikey's son's web page. His name is Sammuel Xavier. He's really cute.

I didn't do anything on the baby blanket last night. But I'm feeling better today so hopefully I'll get some done tonight.

My son Allen will have his 22nd birthday on Saturday. It's hard to believe that he's all grown up. I am so proud of him! My brother Mark will turn 36 on the seventh. I really miss him. We used to have some of the best conversations.

I hope I'll be able to take pictures of Aidan today. The camera may not be really good, but I'll be able to share some pictures soon.

The whole panel.

The whole Panel.
Again the color is all wrong. I hope you see it better than it appears on my monitor. I lost my tape measure, but each repeat of the pattern is about 5 inches long so I'd guess it's 25 inches at this point. I'm not sure of the width. There will be 3 panels sewn together. Then I'll add a border that will be decided on when it's finished, but will probably be 3 or 4 inches at the top and bottom with just a tiny (single crochet) edge on the sides. I'll take more pictures as the progress goes on. The baby is due in Mid September, I hope I can get it finished and mailed before he is too old to use it.

A closer look.

More Detail
The color is way off in this one, but you can see the details of the knotwork. Did you notice the mistake?

Celtic Knotwork baby blanket, the first Panel.

The color isn't quite right, my camera is pretty old and wasn't that good to start with. The actual color is a soft baby blue.
Photos of the first panel.

Monday Positives.

Well, it's Monday again. I should have done this, this morning but I didn't get around to it.

I finished the first panel of the Celtic Knotwork blanket. I'm happy with it.
Aidan said "Bye, Dad." this morning when Howard left for class.
Interesting blogs, by intelligent people.
Message groups with interesting conversation.
Avocados!

The Educational options Debate

Several of the blogs I read regularly have been discussing the Public School system. (catawampus) Most of them agree that the system, as it is, is set up to keep the middle class in their place. It's difficult if not impossible to rise above your social class. Publicly schooled kids are taught to follow not to lead. It's good to know how to co-operate with others, how to get along with a group, but in public school they are not taught to be independent or creative they are discouraged from asking too many questions. Especially those questions that challenge the status quo. Add these things to the large class size in which the slowest kids set the pace for all the rest. The lack of programs for talented kids, and cut backs in art and music. And you get kids that just go through the paces because they have to, or drop out because they are bored or just can't get it. Very effective wouldn't you say?

The options discussed, are finding Private Schools that you can afford to send you kids to. But they still won't be as good as the ones the Elite kids are going to. Or Homeschool. Homeschooling is a good choice. I wish I could have done it with Allen and Chris. I just wasn't strong enough for it then. Now the cost will be the biggest deterrent. One curriculum I'm looked at, Calvert School, was recommended on one of my Mommy boards. It costs $240 for a pre-kindergarten curriculum, $335 for kindergarten, $590 for first grade. This probably isn't much compared to private schools, but to those with limited incomes, it could be the deciding factor between public school and homeschool. Even with the payment options of 50% down, 6 monthly installments, or 20% down, 3 monthly installments, it could keep some families from homeschooling their kids. I'm interested in it for Aidan, if I can swing the money. But it still seems that those with more money get a better education than those with less money.

What I've been up to lately.

I finished the first panel of the Celtic Knotwork Baby Blanket for Snowanna's little boy. My elbows are doing good now, and so is my back. I only get to work on it when Aidan is sleeping, and during his naps I try to catch up on email, message groups, and the blogs I read everyday. So that means that I knit from 8:30 PM until 11:00 or maybe 12:00. It's going to take a while to finish, but I'm determined to finish it as quickly as I can. I'll get a picture of the first panel as soon as I can get batteries for the digital camera. Then I'll post it so you can comment. Advice and criticism is welcome.

I finally got Aidan's room cleared out today. We had been using part of it as a storage area since we moved in here in April. I got most of the stuff out of there and rearranged the placement of things. I hope there will be room for a twin sized bed in the near future. If not I'll have to figure out what to do with my dresser. Right now he has room to play, but all his toys are in drawers in the built-in area and he has some difficulty getting to them.

A challenge.

Pewari had this challenge on her blog today. I thought I'd give it a try.


My question to you is this: if you were to meet yourself from a decade ago, would you recognize yourself? Would you have anything in common? Would you get on, or would you find yourself irritated with your naivete? Would you tell yourself to do anything differently or do you accept everything that has happened between then and now as necessary on the path to who you are now and who you are to become?

10 years ago, I was still married to Dannan. Chris was 15 and Allen was almost 12. College was still a focus in life, getting my degree. And getting my boys raised into the men I knew they could be.

I don't think the me then would know me now, and if I did I'd probably be disappointed that I never did anything with my degree. Although the knowledge that I did get it would be great.

The Today me wouldn't have much to say to the Then me, except that maybe I should reconsider my major and look for something that would be easier to find work with. A BA in Social Science isn't very marketable right now. I loved the classes I did though, and the people I met while doing those classes, so it wasn't a complete waste. I'd maybe tell myself to push through the burn out and get that Masters Degree. I could almost always find work with a MSW or other related degree.

I'm actually pretty happy with how my life is working out. Having more money would be good, but I do love being home with Aidan and being a "Home Maker". It's a trade off at this time, but one I think I'm happy with.

Aches and pains

This morning I'm feeling quite a bit of pain in my elbows, shoulders and lower back. It started yesterday, I don't know what I did to it. I took a nap earlier because I couldn't turn over without waking up because of the pain. I'm better now, after the nap. But I'm still aware of the problems. I don't have any strong pain pills, and I've taken as much over the counter pain medication I can. This means that I won't be working on the baby blanket today. Knitting really stiffens up my elbows, and I tend to tense up my shoulders while I knit. I'll have to think of something for dinner that won't mean I'll need to stand at the stove for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Aidan and I will probably not go outside today, we still don't have a fence and I don't think chasing after him all over the place will do my back any good. I'll have to make sure that Howard takes him out for a little while after he gets home from class.

Other wise there isn't much going on around here today.

Phone calls that bring up the past.

Allen called me last night. We talked about many things but the one that stuck with me was about his father and that side of the family. I guess that his Dad's brother, Russell, likes to pretend that Christopher and Allen don't exist. His kids have never heard of them. It's so strange. And it's too bad because they are missing out on special people. I try not to say bad things about their Dad to my older sons. I wanted them to decide on their own what kind of person he was. But he was and is a man who likes to control the lives of other people, and yet he is probably still a Mama's boy. He couldn't make any decisions with out asking her. It hurts me that my sons, especially Allen, were hurt by those people. I wish I could have protected them from that. But I couldn't do that, they had to know their Dad and his family. Emotional abuse comes easy for them, as does rejection. They turned their backs on Allen, when he needed them the most.

Don, Allen and Christopher's Father, needed someone to be at fault when anything went wrong. That's why we didn't go to more than one Marriage councilor session. She wouldn't tell him whose fault it was that our marriage wasn't working. He needed to know who was at fault when Christopher was diagnosed with Disgraphia (similar to Dislexia but involving writing), hyper sensitivity to touch (His skin literally feels touches more intensely than average people), and a problem with authority. He needed to know who did what to cause Allen to have the problems he had in school, ADD, oppositional disorder, and an ability to press the buttons of almost any adult. Actually I believe he wanted someone to tell him that I was a bad Mother, that I raised them wrong, or did something to them so that they had these problems. I don't think he would have believed it if they had said that their problems were based in HIS interactions with them or his lack of interaction.

I wasn't a good wife for Don, I didn't keep the house like his Mother did, and I wanted to spend time with my friends. I never rebelled against my parents, so I think I might have rebelled against him some how. I didn't like having to justify spending money to get the kids shoes or cloths, when he was spending hundreds on ham radio equipment, so I would lie to him, or take money out of his wallet. In the end I knew that I didn't love him any more, but I would have stayed and tried to work things out if he had been willing to try. Instead he wanted a separation, I told him that if I moved out I would not come back. He didn't believe me. He even told my friends that I would come crawling back to him under his terms. {Sigh}

For Allen and Christopher's sake I wish they could have had a better father. But they turned out OK anyway. I'm proud of them.

Where did the week go?

It's already Monday again, I've been neglecting this poor little blog. LOL

Since it is Monday, it's time for all those things that I'm grateful for, or that just make me feel happy.

A nice hot shower, and the time to enjoy it. (Parents will understand this the best.)
Memories of my Grandparents.
Pictures of my handsome Grandson.
Seeing pictures of my friends and baby Hannah.
Talking to Allen on the phone, even though we kept loosing the connection.
The weather is finally cooling down to the 80's.

Aidan update.

A few days ago Aidan saw Howard and I kissing, he pushed his way between us like a lot of kids his age do. Once he was up on my lap, he didn't push Howard away, but rather pulled his face closer to mine. We kissed again, he laughed and pushed Howard away, then pulled him in again. I must have gotten 8 or 9 kisses that way! Then when Howard moved away Aidan kissed me and laughed.

He still doesn't talk a lot that we can understand. He understands a lot though. Awhile ago he was pulling the cushions off my chair, I told him that if he didn't stop he would have to sit in his time out chair. He stopped and looked at me with a frown. Then he sat down on the floor to do his little "I don't like it" pout. I wish he would start to communicate better. Trying to guess when he wants something to drink or eat isn't easy.

He has grown so much bigger since summer began. He hasn't been wearing shoes this summer. Yesterday I decided that since he is walking so much these days he'd better start to wear shoes at least outside. He had 3 pairs of shoes, one that he could wear back in March (size 4), another a size larger and the third I believe are a size 6 1/2. The size 6 1/2 are just barely large enough for him. The are kind of cute though, they look like hiking boots. We stopped buy a discount store called Factory 2 You and got him a new pair that are 7's. He, hopefully, will be able to wear these for a little while. They are just plain white tennis shoes. He still walks funny with his shoes on. Lifting his feet up too high and slightly bow legged.

I worry that he is behind other kids his age. It seems that Chris and Allen were talking much more at this age. But then he will do something like figuring out how to reach things that are too high with something long, or by shaking the table so they fall off where he can reach them. Of course I love him no matter what, I just hope that he wasn't damaged by the drugs his bio Mother did before we knew she was pregnant. {sigh} Ok so I'm paranoid. I just love him so much, I'd hate for there to be anything about him that would cause him to suffer later in life.

Ok I've rambled enough. I hope you are all having a wonderful day.

Belated Monday Positives

Somehow I forgot that yesterday was Monday. I enjoy the Monday positives so ...

Peaches, I so love the taste and texture of a fresh, ripe peach.
New, Jersey, sheets. (They are so soft and a nice red)
The internet, to help me keep in touch with my family and friends.
Good books that I can read several times with out getting bored.
Soft yarn to knit or crochet with.
Interesting blogs, that allow me to feel like I have a social life.
Spell checker and learning that I spell better than I thought.

Communication

Partially because I have always worried what people thought of me, but also because I hate to rock the boat, I've kept things inside. I don't want to start any drama. I don't mind drama, at least when it's not my drama, I just don't want to be the reason it started. I also have a fear of rejection, I'm sure almost everyone has this fear at some level, that causes me to hold back the "I love you" and "You are important to me" messages I probably should have said. I don't always join the conversation, even when I have something to say.

I've thought about it, wondering why I feel so insecure, but I can't find a source. No event, or group of events that started this behavior. No one I know of has ever put me down for my thoughts, feelings, or lack of knowledge.

Thank you Nicole, I think I needed to know that someone thought I actually had some thoughts in my head. You are also an inspiration for some of this. Not just because you are a friend, but your openness in your own blog inspires me as well.

On the Outside looking in.

I've never been part of the "group". There was always something that kept me on the outside.

I married young, I was the first in my small group of friends to get married. This kept me out of the dating scene, the single woman out on the town like some of my friends.

I had my children before they had their's, so when they were doing things together as childless couples I was at home with my kids. (I wouldn't change this if I could, my kids are great, I'm glad I had them when I did.)

Then they had babies and my kids were older. They were doing the things Moms with babies do together.

I didn't have much support so I took my kids with me almost anywhere I went. Which meant not being as involved in things as I would have liked.

When I was got divorced, they were all still married, when I remarried some of them got divorced.

Then my friends moved away, and I found myself with a new group of friends, all of them younger than I am. And again I was outside because of my age and my half grown kids. I know that it was never intentional, they didn't exclude me on purpose, but my age, my kids and my already established marriage kept me separate from them.

I sometimes envy their closeness. I sometimes regret that I couldn't really join in and be part of their lives as I would have wanted to. Mostly I am sad that the best choices in my life, to have my kids and to keep them with me most of the time, are also the choices that have kept me from developing deep lasting relationships with some of the most interesting, intelligent, amazing people in the world.

I don't feel sorry for myself, so please don't feel badly if you are one of my friends. I decided that my kids, my family were more important than anything else. It was my choice, not yours.

I don't know why I wanted to write this post, maybe to clear my mind or to let you in on a part of myself that I usually keep hidden. Anyway there it is.

Friday the 13th.

All my remembered life, Friday the 13th has been my lucky day. Or at least not an unlucky day as much of the rest of the world seems to think it is. {shrug}

I was thinking about yesterdays entry. Thinking about why I feel the way I do about what people think of me. I believe that it's largely because I'm never sure I'm good enough. I am attracted to very intelligent people, and while I know that I'm not stupid I still feel that I'm not in their league. Some times I know that I've avoided certain subjects so I can't really discuss them. Then I will begin the thought process that goes something like this:

I don't know anything about this subject, why didn't I read the paper or do some research on that?
Because I didn't take the time out of my own little life to see the larger picture.
Why isn't it important to me to know these things?
Because I'm not smart enough to see beyond myself and my family. Or maybe I'm just too selfish.

I end up just listening, because I have nothing to offer.
I know that in reality, when I'm actually with my friends, it's not really as bad as all that. I do have a lot to say, there are things I know about, issues that I'm interested in and have read about or experienced, but I still feel somewhat less intelligent than most of my friends. My kids are more aware than I am too, but I feel proud of that fact. The fact that they surpass me is a very good thing. I at least raised them with open minds and I hope they have more confidence in their intelligence than I do in mine.

This got a little run on, and might have lost cohesion. But I'm going to leave it as it is, an example of the way my mind will skitter around.

Introspection

While reading through some of the Blogs I read everyday, I was reminded of things I have stopped doing, or never actually got around to doing.

I used to write a lot, probably not worth publishing, but it was a good outlet for my feelings, dreams and fantasy's. I'm not sure why I stopped writing. Maybe it was because Aidan keeps me so busy so much of the time. Or maybe it was out of fear that someone would read what I wrote and make a judgment about me. Probably it was a combination of the two. I do know that it's hard to keep on track with writing when I'm interrupted all the time for a hug, or toddler melt down. I am also aware that I've spent my life afraid of what other people think of me. I worry that I'm not smart enough, funny enough, too funny, not aware enough about the outside world, and that people I care about are secretly laughing at me.

Progress.

I've done almost 60 rows on the first panel of the Celtic Knotwork baby blanket. I think it will be ok, it's not hard, the hardest thing is that I have to keep track of the rows to make the knots work out, not too bad actually. It's not as exciting a look as I thought it would be but good enough.

Just a second ago Aidan learned how to use something long to reach something that was out of his reach! As if he didn't get into enough trouble as it is. [sigh] Well at least I can block off the kitchen so that he can't get into the trash any more. Actually he is a very normal little 18 month old boy, at least when it comes to finding trouble.

It's so hot here today that when I opened Aidan's drawer to get a clean shirt for him the cloths felt like they had just came out of the dryer. It's so strange to me to put my hand on a table inside the house and have it feel very warm. It will be nice when winter finally comes. But as Howard said, we have a month and a half of Spring, a month and a half of Fall, 2 months of winter and 7 months of Summer. I really don't like it here in California. I can't wait until we can move back to Oregon. Which won't be for a couple of years anyway.

Howard is going to take his final test for his certificate on September 2nd. If he passes it he will hopefully get an internship with the state or county.

Participation positives

It's Monday again, a good time to remember the positives in my life.

My family, all of them, my kids, grandson, brothers, Mom, Dad, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins of every degree. I am happy to have them, even those I have never met.

My friends, those who live far away as well as those who live closer, long time friends as well and new friends, they are all important to me and I am so grateful for everything they have brought into my life.

My self, I'm fairly healthy, I have a good mind, I can feel comfortable with myself most of the time.

This beautiful planet I am blessed to live on.

Time flys.

It's been over a week since I last blogged! I'm not really sure why it's been so long. This week was cooler than last week, but now the temps are going up again. I've been reading several blogs lately, lots of interesting stuff and a couple of really talented writers.

Aidan continues to learn new things, he can walk backwards, sideways and he can step over objects that are in his way. He love to eat fresh peaches, onions, peas, carrots, Cheerios, Life, Shredded Wheat, Mac and Cheese, and sometimes Hot dog pieces. I made him an egg salad sandwich a couple of days ago, and he ate it with out taking it apart. He still isn't talking much, or rather he is talking a lot it's just not in English. LOL

I finally got to go to WalMart a couple of days ago. I got some yarn to start the Blanket for David, Snowanna's baby, and a new pair of knitting needles. I've be able to do a little bit of it, but my bursitis is acting up really bad. I think it's going to be really beautiful though. I just hope I can get it finished before he goes off to college. haha

I'm going to have to learn how to use a Mac now too. Howard and his cousin went to an auction and got a Mac, it works pretty well. It needs some more memory, but I'll only use it for basics right now anyway. He also got 2 other computers with various problems and a couple of keyboards. So now my house has 5 computers, 2 monitors, 4 keyboards, 2 mice, 1 printer and 2 sets of speakers. I don't know why we need all this stuff, but it makes Howard happy so I guess it's worth the $5 he spent on it all.

Better things.

The weather has cooled down some. I never thought I would be grateful for temps in the 90's! When I lived in Salem, Oregon the temps didn't reach the 100's for more than a day or two at a time. I hated it when it got up to 85 degrees, I thought it was too hot. LOL I know it was worse because of the humidity, but I really don't think it's that much different as far as humidity is concerned. I wish I could live closer to the beach, it's cooler there and I love the ocean.

My elbows are feeling better now, and my back will allow me to stand to do dishes or what ever for about half an hour before it feels like it's all tied in knots. Hopefully it will continue to get better.

I still need to get out to WalMart. I have to make a payment on my WalMart card as well as get the yarn for the blanket for Snowanna's son. (It seems so weird to say that! She was such a cute little girl just last week, wasn't she? It's so hard to remember that she is a grown woman now, with a baby on the way.) I guess Howard and I will have to talk to Jimmy about getting the truck for a few hours or getting the station wagon back. Howard was supposed to get me bus schedules this week, he forgot.

Putting things on pause.

Yesterday and today I had to put the knitting project and cleaning on pause. My elbows are aching despite the medication the Doctor gave me. The bursitis is acting up again.

To top it off I tripped yesterday and tweaked my back and my left shoulder. My back problem is pretty much just when I stand up, I'm guessing that one of the muscles that helps me stay upright was pulled a little bit. It's not a stabbing pain, just an ache when I stand up for longer than 2 minutes. The ache gets worse the longer I remain standing. So doing dishes for more than 2 minutes or so isn't going to happen.

My shoulder only hurts when I lift my arm over my head or turn in just the right way. Sweeping is out of the question as well because it puts stress on my shoulder and that particular area of my back.

So I'm feeling a little useless, and bored. At least I can still pick up Aidan, and sitting isn't painful. I'd really like to knit, but I think I'd better wait a day or two.

Dreaming

Ever since my brother, Mark, was a baby I've had dreams of the boys I love falling into uncontrolled water and being lost to me. I'm 9 years older than Mark. With Mark it started not long after he had learned to walk. I dreamed that he walked off the wooden walk ways around the boiling mud pits at Yellow Stone National Park.

With Allen and Chris, I had several dreams about the river and losing them in the water because of the current and the cloudiness of the water. There was even one that had both of them falling into a lake, Allen first then Chris tried to get him and fell in too. I couldn't find either of them.

Xander, Elijah, and Connor were also in similar dreams. It was always rivers or lakes, never swimming pools.

There are only 3 little girls I've been close to, Snowanna (my niece), Savanna and Taylor (My friends girls I babysat), the dreams I had about them always had to do with someone doing something bad to them. Hurting them, killing them, molesting them.

With Aidan things have changed. Now he is falling or being dropped of high locations. That is probably because of the day Connor fell off the balcony at the apartments in Salem. I've had two dreams about it in the last couple of weeks. I'm sort of happy that the dreams changed because I can feel more relaxed at the lake than I used to. I couldn't go to the lake if ANY kids were around. Now I just keep an eye on Aidan and I'm fine. I can enjoy myself completely when I know that Aidan is safe. But now I'm developing a fear of heights I never had before.

I haven't remembered my dreams lately. Or when I do remember it's only for a few moments after I wake up.

Monday morning positives.

Iced coffee drinks made for me by my sweet Husband.
Little boy laughing as he discovers new things.
Long phone calls with my Mom, who is also my best friend.
Learning new knitting patterns.
Pretty yarns, beads, and bright shiny things.
Old and dear friends.
New and interesting friends.
Watching my son play in the yard.
Playing a chase type game so I can get the pictures I want, while trying to keep the camera away from Aidan.

Summer heat and missing keys.

I noticed that the weather in Salem Oregon is expected to be very hot about 104  according to my Yahoo! and MSN websites. Hood River is expected to be about 101. Which makes me feel pretty good, because we are supposed to be about 99 which mean probably about 101 today. Finally a day where my friends and family up North will be hotter than I am! But those of you in New York are supposed to be cooler. I can't remember your expected high, because I was so thrilled that Salem was going to be so much warmer than Atwater.

I still haven't been able to get to WalMart. I finally get a creative inspiration and I can't do anything about it! Well actually I'm practicing with size 10 needles and some left over yarn, it's interesting and I think it's going to be very pretty. Howard wants to know what I'm going to do with this practice thing I'm making, I don't know what to tell him. Maybe a cushion cover or something for Aidan to play with. Or I might pull it out and do something else with it.

Aidan has decided that everything belongs in the trash can. Probably because the lid has one of those flaps that swings in when you push it. I've had to take the cell phone and several of his toys out of there almost constantly everyday for about 10 days now. I can't wait until he gets over this particular fascination. I think my keys are now at the dump, anyway they are gone. I've searched anywhere I can think of for them. If they are in the trash, it'll be ok, because I can make copies of all of them. Someone else has copies of every key I had. If they are here somewhere I guess I'll end up with an extra set of everything, because I have to get them copied the next time I'm some place that makes keys.

Well, everyone, I hope you have a wonderful week-end. I don't know if I'll blog over the week-end or not. I don't always have anything to say.

This and that.

Aidan learned how to fake a sneeze. It's really funny, because he will put his head back and go ah-ah-choo! and flop his head forward, almost like a real sneeze. Then he will clap his hands and laugh! To him all sneezes are truly funny.
 
I am looking forward to getting back into the SCA. We are going to have to start over, a lot of my garb and other stuff got damaged or lost in the moves. It will have to wait until after Howard finishes his classes and has a job. But it looks good for next summer, because next month he will be taking his last test and hopefully by then they will have an internship ready for him. After a year or so there he will have experience enough to get a job else where. So, I've decided to start doing some research on a new persona, or maybe just get better documentation for the ones I already have.
 
I am planning a Celtic Knot baby blanket for Snowanna's little baby boy. He is due the early part of September. Which in Oregon is the beginning of the cold and wet season so I'm hoping it will be useful. It's going to be interesting to do, and a little harder than anything I've ever done before. But I tried the pattern out with some yarn I had around here and I think it's going to be really pretty and not so hard I won't finish it. Now all I have to do is go to the store and get some blue yarn and knitting needles, which means waiting until I can get a car to borrow. Because I feel kind of strange to ask for a ride to Wal-Mart, and making the person who would be nice enough to drive me wait until I get finished shopping.
 
It's awful not having transportation. I'm am going to have to get a bus schedule and figure out how to get where I want to go. It costs so much to own a car in California. It costs something like $150 a year for tags and registration, plus insurance and making the thing pass smog inspection. Actually I guess the cost for the tags is really dependent on the car, so it's probably less in most cases.
 
I hate this weather! It's so hot here right now that I can't even walk from one end of my tiny little house to the other without breaking out in a sweat. I am really going to appreciate the weather in Oregon, when we can finally move back! And we are planning to move back in the next couple of years.

Is it Monday already?

This week went by in a flash! It's strange when each day seems to take forever. I really hate the heat! And my allergies are getting worse every day. But there are some good things, happy thoughts, and things I'm grateful for.
 
Today Aidan had an appointment with his Doctor. She is happy with his growth and developement. He's 33 inchs tall and weighs 28 pounds.
 
Allen called me yesterday, just to say hello. He sounds good. He told me that he is doing well.
 
Aidan learned to click his tongue a couple of days ago, he will walk around the house doing it for almost 10 minutes and then he will smile at me.
 
Jennifer, I want to say I love you sweet girl.
 
Nicole, I love you too, but I want you to know how grateful I am that you are such a good Mother to Xander.
 
Allen, I am SO proud to be your Mother. You are an amazing young man.
 
Solomon, Congradulations on your recent marriage, I can never tell you how wonderful I think you are, and how thankful I am that you were able to take care of Xander while Nicole and Allen were working.
 
I love you all, thank you for being my friends and family.
 
PS They've made blogger more user friendly, and added fonts, and colors with just a click. So I kind of went crazy with it. The colored words are not links just colors I liked for the person or thought.
  
 

Separate and feeling lonely.

Most of the time I feel a need to keep these entries up beat and happy. Even when in reality I'm feeling kind of down, or depressed or lonely. Sometimes I feel so lonely and separate from the all the people who mean so much to me. Partly it's because I'm here in California, away from my family and some of my friends. But even before we moved here I sometimes felt very separate from them. Most of MY friends live far away from me, even when I lived in Salem they were far away. Cheryl is in Spokane, Tammy is in Portland but her family keeps her from me, Nicole, Solomon, Allen and Xander are in clear across the country. I've either lost contact with my friends or they have moved or both. I only knew that Solomon was getting married because of Nicole's blog and talking to Allen on the phone. We lost contact years ago. So today I'm feeling separated from the people I care about the most in this world and I feel lonely there is no one here for me to talk to or go visit or have come to see me. I'm feeling forgotten, I guess, and (except for Aidan) I feel unimportant to anyone. Don't worry about me though, these feelings pass fairly quickly. I think today it was brought on by reading blogs about babies and those from some of the friends who are so far away. I'll be fine tonight.

Things that make me smile this Monday.

My friend, Solomon got married over the week-end.
Xander is a very handsome young man.
Picture share. Thank you Jennifer!
Babies.
Hugs and kisses from Aidan.
Finding a good book to read.
I've found a Pagan knitting blog.

Busy busy days

Things have been rather hectic around here the last couple of days.

On Friday, I had to take Howard to the dentist to have his top front teeth capped. They look really good. Then we went to his mothers so he could work on her computer, he thought it would take only about half an hour, but instead it took 5 and still wasn't fixed. So Aidan only got one nap, and that was for about 15 minutes in the car when I went out to get something to eat.

On Saturday, I borrowed my mother-in-laws car and went to the store after Aidan's morning nap. While there Howard called and wanted me to go to the bank, and take the car back to his mother. So I hurried home, put the milk and other perishables away, and went to the bank. I turned the car off next to the ATM opened the side door so I could see Aidan and he wouldn't get too hot and got the money I needed to pay the rent. When I got back in to the car it wouldn't start. It sounded like the starter to me. So I pushed it into a shady parking space, with some help, and called Howard and Jimmy to come and save me. They thought it was the battery. Aidan and I played in the back while we waited and waited and waited. A nice lady went to the store and brought back 2 bottles of juice and some cheetos. Finally after I had waited 3 hours the men arrived. I knew they were going to take a while because they were in the middle of a job when I called, but they were so late because they stopped to help someone with a flat. It turned out to be the starter and it took about an hour to get it fixed. By then was already almost 7:30 PM. I went to my mother-in-laws house and ended up having to visit for another hour or so. I got home just in time to feed Aidan, give him a bath and put him to bed. He missed his afternoon nap.

Sunday, Aidan and I went to Howard's Aunts house for a BBQ, but only 7 people where there including us and the Aunt. 5 of us were women. We spent most of the afternoon there, luckily Aidan had taken an early nap that morning, but again he missed his afternoon nap.

Yesterday, the family decided to have a BBQ to celebrate a Birthday that had actually happened almost 2 weeks ago. So again Aidan missed his afternoon nap. We got home in time for a bath and bed. Any of you who have/had children who really needed their two naps a day will understand how difficult these days have been for Aidan and I.

Howard hasn't been around much since Friday, because he was working with Jim over the week-end. We missed him. Me more than Aidan because I didn't have him to turn over the child care to for any amount of time. Actually I think they missed each other the most. I'm so glad that they have a good relationship.

Today I'm relaxing trying not to be too hot. I slipped yesterday and it seems that I stressed something in my left hip, and the muscles in my right leg are also achey today. So I'm glad I don't have anything to do today. Oh and Aidan got both of his naps today! Yeah!!

Random thoughts

Well, today I've been looking into some Work from Home things. I'm not sure what I'd like to do, but It sounds interesting.
Aidan is being very stubborn lately, he goes back to doing what ever I've just told him to stop doing. I can move him away and try to distract him but now he remembers for longer and will go back just as fast as he can.
The weather has been too hot to do much of anything during the day. Our air-conditioner doesn't work very well.
I'm sleepy all the time. I'm getting headaches much more often than normal. Howard thinks it's because of my allergies.
We may be getting some help with weatherising this place, which means new doors and any broken or cracked windows will be replaced, I might get an air-conditioner, and maybe even a stove because the one I have has a cracked top.
I haven't done anything creative lately, no scrapbooking, no art, no knitting, no anything. I hope that will change when the weather cools down some.
I have to get some laundry done tonight, at least one load, maybe two.

Another Monday

I keep posting these happy thoughts, or things I'm grateful for posts on Mondays because I need to be reminded that in the middle of all the usually stuff there are some things I am very happy about.

Having a healthy family.
Friends I can call if I need them.
Enough food.
My wonderful little boy.
My fantastic older sons.
A husband that loves me even when I feel un-lovable.
Hugs and kisses.
Naps.
No dishes in the sink.

Tables and chairs and Mommy frustration.

Aidan has learned to climb up on our living room chairs, from there he will then crawl out onto the tables. Sometimes he stands up to reach things that are put up so he can't get them. I wish I could get him to stop. I hate having to say "No" all the time. So I pick him up and put him on the floor telling him "Stay off the table." He knows it's not a good thing, because sometimes he will look at me and back off the table on his own. I've tried to make sure that while he is doing something "good" I notice and let him know that it's good, I try not to yell, or make a big deal about it, but I'm not sure how well I'm doing. Oh, and he has learned how to scream when he is frustrated. It's that high pitched, shrill shriek that only babies and toddlers can make. I can normally ignore it for the most part, after I'm sure he isn't stuck and might get hurt. But the last couple of days I've had some really bad headaches, and those shrieks are truly painful.

On the bright side, Aidan is learning how to pretend now. And he is giving kisses with his mouth closed now. He started to go around the corner and then peek around at me and laugh the other day. It's really cute. When he sees his Daddy, he says "Hiya!" And the smile on his face makes it obvious that he is happy that his Daddy is home. I hardly ever go anywhere with out him so I don't get that kind of welcome often. It's amazing to me how much I love this little guy. Which both makes the frustration easier and compounds it.

He is walking more than crawling these days, which is good. He still seems to be behind with talking and such things. He knows where his tummy is, but won't point to it. He won't follow directions, very often. But being behind a little in some places isn't so bad, because he is making progress. He does do some things that I don't think he supposed to do yet. For example he points with one finger intentionally, and he whispers. I think around 2 they are supposed to point, but I'm not sure of the whisper thing. He is still a little big for his age, and is in wonderful health. Very few colds and only one stomach virus, plus that one virus with the spots. He love music, almost any music. He dances and claps his hands.

Aidan and Buddy

Aidan and Buddy out in our yard. I wish we had the fence up so that Buddy could be off his chain, I think they will have lots of fun together.


A boy and his dog. 

Monday again.

A few things in my life that I'm happy about or grateful for.

Aidan and his beautiful smile.
Our own home, with which we can do whatever we want.
Good food to eat, and the ability to create good meals with it.
The chance to watch Aidan as he grows and learns.
My healthy happy family.
My grandson has wonderful loving parents, and many other people who love him and teach him.
Friends.
My husband and friend, Howard.

Rasing Boys

This poem was posted on my "Raising all boys" message board. I liked it, and I hope you do too.

Rasing Boys
by Roberta I. Teage

I scrub the wall of fingerprints,
Pick up the mounds of clothes.
I sweep the dirt that shoes track in-
Wish I could use a hose!

Meals are served from dawn to dark,
Dirty dishes crowd the sink.
Just when they're washed and put away-
Everyone wants a drink!

The washer pulls the dirty grime
From pants worn thin and patched.
They look so very neat and clean-
Yuck, look what the pockets hatched!

Broken bones and bloody knees,
I should have been a nurse.
I take it all in shaky stride-
Just grateful it's not worse!

Screams and shouts and arguments
Test the keeping of my cool.
They left the neighbor's faucet on-
See their new front yard pool!

A soothing bath is ecstasy,
A reward at the end of my rope.
Raising boys isn't really bad-
But first I must wash the soap!

A rose can say I Love You,
Orchids can enthrall;
But a weed bouquet in a chubby fist,
Oh my, that says it all!

Buddy

Our dog, we are not sure what kind of dog he is but he is so sweet. 

Baby Sumo.

Aidan 6/2003 

Distance

Today I'm feeling the distance between me and those I love. I miss my Mom and Dad, and Mark. Xander is growing up so fast,so is Elijah , and I'm missing all of it. I'm feeling disconnected from my friends, because all of them are far away. My adorable Aidan is a big help with keeping my spirits up. And of course Howard is doing his best to be supportive and helpful. I guess I'm just a bit hormonal right now and so my emotions are more volatile. Jennifer and Nicole, I love you guys and I miss you very very much, kiss your boys for me please.

First Post Surgery Check-up.

Today Aidan had his first post surgery check-up. The Doctor said that every thing looks good, he would like to see him again in 6 months to make sure that the testicle stays in place. They weighed him and measured him of course, he's 27 pounds and 4 ounces and 33.5 inches tall. That's an increase of 4 ounces and 1.5 inches since the surgery!

Belated Positives

Otter pops.
Tall glasses of iced water or tea.
Message board to discuss baby raising things.
Finally finding that Callanetics tape, even though I am so out of shape I can't even get through all of it.
Rock'n Dino!
Learning how to post pictures to my blog. (Sorry everyone, you will have to suffer through several pictures of Aidan until I get used to this feature. LOL)

Aidan playing outside.

Aidan loves to play outside, but the grass tickles his feet. 

Secret Service

In my dream I was working for someone who had Secret Service men assigned to them. Aidan and I lived in a house with this man, and somehow I was a working mom and a stay at home mom. I left Aidan with his Secret Service Lady, who seemed more like a Nanny than anything. She took him shopping for new cloths and shoes. There was a little girl about the same age as Aidan who also lived in the house with us. Across the street was a Mall. The neighbor kids had stolen Aidans new shoes, and the shoes the little girl had gotten as well. We tried to get them to bring them back, we threatened to put them in jail, I told them I'd have the Secret Service guy, assigned to me, "get it out of" them. They never did bring back the shoes. We decided they had probably taken them to the Mall to sell them. Later I was meeting some important people. Three men and a woman. Just after shaking hands with the last man, Aidan came running out of the house with his arms out. Everyone put their arms out for a hug, but Aidan ignored all the men, almost went to the lady, but ultimately ran into my arms. Everyone smiled at him and we got back to business. Aidan just listened to us talking as I held him.

A picture of Aidan.

I'm testing Hello for shareing photos. This picture was taken May 1, 2004.


No autographs today. 

Picture of Aidan walking.

For some reason pictures taken in the house with our digital camera are usually a little out of focus. Those taken outside are quite a bit clearer. This picture was taken today.


I'm walking! 

Last nights Dream.

I was involved in a child custody case, but not with Howard and not with Dawn. It seems like it might have been the government or some secret society who wanted my children for something. Kind of like the kid in "Star Man" the TV series, they wanted to study them or the kids had some super powers or something. Part of the time I was being chased by these 3 people, 2 men and 1 woman, the rest of the time they were just following me. I wasn't scared, it was fun an intellectual competition of sorts. At one point I got away from them at a gas station by not pulling my pants up. (why my pants were down isn't clear.)That was one of the times they were chasing me. I just barely squeaked by them. Later I went into an expensive restaurant, they were just following me. I got a table and ordered a Prime Rib dinner. They took a table near me and also ordered dinner. I got up to go to the restroom, the woman did as well, but while she was in her stall, I left. Stopping my waitress as she was taking my dinner to the table I asked her to put it in a bag, paid and left before the people following me found out.

At some point I became aware that there was another woman in the same situation as I was in. And we joined forces to save our children. We weren't worried that our children weren't with us, which now seems strange. We came up with a plan to get rid of the followers forever. We would file a complaint of harassment against them and have them arrested. Then while they were busy with that, we would sell our cars at one dealer then buy another an a dealer down the street. We would have to loose weight, and even bought some noodle dishes which would help with that. In fact it seems like we were planning on loosing the weight in just a couple of days rather than months. We would then find a town on the coast where neither of us knew anyone, somewhere no one would think to look for us and get a house together, dye our hair and raise our children in safety. We put the plan in motion by loosing them momentarily by taking a sharp left at a fork in the road. We found a policeman and he promised to take them in for questioning. At that point I woke up and so never discovered where the children were.

Positives for this week ...

The sky is an incredible shade of blue today, not a cloud to be seen.
The temp shouldn't reach 90 today.
The look of joy on Aidan's face when he sees Howard coming home.
Friends to chat with.
Watching Aidan figure out something new.
Hugs and kisses.
Having some of the things I enjoy available when I want them.
Spell checker to help me remember how to spell.

Aidans newest habits.

Lately Aidan has been hugging people on the top of their heads, I'm not sure what that is all about but it's cute. :) He has also decided to walk for 5 or 6 steps at a time now. He's very steady and it seems to be pretty easy for him, but I guess he still thinks he can get there faster if he crawls. I'm sure he will get to it sooner or later. He as also started to bite, just a little nip when he is hugging someone. Sometimes it's on the nose other times it's the shoulder or knee whatever is closest during a hug. It's usually not very hard, and usually just the cloths, if there are any. I have stared to tell him one time, "Don't bite!" and if he does it again I put him down away from me. Of course if he comes back to me for more hugs and kisses I pick him up until he bites again. I hope he gets the idea that biting isn't a good thing. I'm not really sure that he know he is doing it. He has started to "play" with his toys now, he seems to be pretending when he plays with his stuffed animals, not just hugging them or throwing them like he used to. He has been playing with cars and with phones for some time now, but neither in a "normal" way. Now he drives the cars around and pretends to talk on the phone. He loves any music and will stop whatever he is doing to listen and sometimes dance to whatever music is on.

Dreaming

I am with a couple of men, we are a team of ... reporters? We are going to see a woman who was famous and has turned in to a recluse. She reminded me or Betty Davis. Anyway she had a snow and ice covered pond across her drive way, which you have to drive really fast to get across. Then there is a ditch you have to jump over, also filled with snow and ice, with a sprinkler (the type with 4 tubes with holes in them that spin around in a circle) which sprays more snow and ice over where you have to jump. The two men do it with much laughter, and I know I have to do it too, if only to show them that I can. But somehow I slip into the ditch behind me and end up in her living room. She laughs at me, but it is a friendly kind of laugh.

Later the two men and I are going through several storage areas, there are many strange things, all kind of vague in my memory. Then things change just a little bit, and we are in a hospital type place, or maybe a make shift triage area. There are lots of babies laying on tables. I am standing near a table with 6 babies, all of whom still have their umbilical cords attached, some have a placenta as well, as if they were just born and laid on the table with no other attention paid to them. One of them, a boy, was moving around, kicking and swinging his arms until he feel off the table. I picked him up, at first I tried to use a blanket or something to keep the blood and other birthing fluid off of my cloths, but then decided that the baby was more important. I looked down at his face. His eyes were closed, his features were soft and sweet, like a mothers dream of the perfect baby. Then he opened his eyes. They had no pupil, there was a ring of color, blue in the right eye and red in the left, which streaked toward where the pupil should have been.

Minor problems with my comments.

I have been unable to post a comment to my blog for a couple of hours today. So I thought I'd comment here, because I might forget later. To Working Mom
You are completely correct that working Moms are working all the time too. In fact I think they have it harder most of the time than Stay at home Moms. For the reasons you mention mainly. For example, when I was working while Allen and Chris were younger, I worked my 8 hours, picked up the kids, cooked dinner, cleaned house, made sure the kids took baths, and did their homework. All the things I do now, but in only 4 hours before going to bed for a short 7 hours of sleep. I am not sure I could do it now. :) I've also done the single parent thing. And you are again correct, it is very difficult. I am very proud of good single parents, such as yourself.

And to Jodie, first thank you for stopping by and for your comment. I do love staying at home with Aidan. I don't know how long I'll be able to do it, but so far it's working out for us. I'm kind of conflicted about it. Half of me wants to get out and work, and use my education. I'd like to meet people other than my husbands family, and working out side the home is a good way to do that. On the other hand, I worry about day care for him. We don't have anyone here that I'd want to babysit for us, and I've heard so many horror stories about daycare. I'd miss so much of his life. This part of me was made to be a Mom, cooking, sewing, and other old fashoned home maker skills. I agree with you that Moms, whether or not they work out side the home or not, "Anyone who can be a mom and manage a clean house without outside help is a miracle worker."

Thanks to both of you for your comments. Come back again, and comment all you like.

What does "stay at home mom" mean to you?

To some people it means someone who is available all day, every day, to run errands, play chauffeur, what have you. They also think that your house should be perfectly clean all the time, because you have all day to do it. They forget or don't know that kids need attention all the time, and the house gets messier when people are home all day than it does when no one is there. I'd rather sit with Aidan and read to him than clean anyway. LOL

Today I took Howards cousin-in-law to pay her bills. Because she is almost blind and can't take herself, and she can't use checks "Because I get too confused", her husband hurt his back yesterday and couldn't take her. I love them, don't get me wrong, and they have done a lot for us since we moved here. So I spent 4.5 hours driving her around. Aidan missed his morning nap, and was late for his afternoon nap. So I have a grumpy, whiney boy on my hands this afternoon. I know that I could say no, but it's hard for me. I'm working on the door mat thing, but ... I'm not doing very well at it right now. I'm also grouchy because it's hot, and I have a headache. So I'm venting. Forgive me if I offended you. But remember, most stay at home Moms are pretty busy. Most of them will probably love to help you if you give them enough notice, and are aware that pre-schoolers need naps, so keep it short.

It's not Monday but ...

Positives for this week ...

Aidan's hugs and kisses. (He has started to hug the top of my head.)
A water sprinkler that works.
Extra money to buy a few extra goodies.
Having the bills paid up for the first time in 3 months.
A swimming pool we can play in.
Snowanna is having a boy, they think they will name him David Michael.
Mark and Eileen have set the date.
Air conditioning.
My family and the love we share.
My family by choice (Jennifer, Elijah, Nicole, Cheryl)

I say ... and you think ... ?

Lover :: care giver
Ridiculous :: silly
Oscar :: award
Tennis :: shoe
Account Balance :: zero
Hickey :: Mark
License :: drivers
Breathmints :: cool
TexMex :: so so
Stepmother :: Myself

My results.

When you take the quiz, you can click on any of the religions in your list to read a bit more about them. I wonder if anyone will be surprised with their results.

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (93%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (87%)
4. Reform Judaism (83%)
5. Liberal Quakers (82%)
6. New Age (82%)
7. Jainism (77%)
8. Sikhism (71%)
9. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (68%)
10. Hinduism (67%)
11. Theravada Buddhism (64%)
12. New Thought (63%)
13. Bahá'í Faith (59%)
14. Orthodox Judaism (55%)
15. Scientology (53%)
16. Secular Humanism (53%)
17. Islam (46%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (46%)
19. Taoism (45%)
20. Nontheist (31%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (28%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (22%)
23. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (20%)
24. Eastern Orthodox (19%)
25. Roman Catholic (19%)
26. Seventh Day Adventist (16%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (9%)

An interesting quiz.

I found this interesting quiz on a Pagan Family bulletin board on Baby Center.com I think you will find it interesting. I'll have to post later with my results, I forgot to copy them. Anyway try this and see where your beliefs fall.

Monday.

Spring flowers.
Blue Skies.
Having vision to see them.
Music.
Aidan's laugh.
Being able to hear them.

I say ... and you think ... ?

Finale :: Ending
Martial arts :: Discipline
Flirt :: Playful
Energy :: I don't have enough
Flavor :: Taste
Guess? :: What?
Accomplishment :: Pride
Prom :: Dance
Diploma :: Award
Bloody :: Mess

Mixed up dreams.

A lot of my dreams have had some aspect of intrigue or mystery about them lately. I don't remember much about them most of the time. There are always bits and pieces, or feelings that I flash on. Last night, I dreamt that I had another baby boy. He was 1 and a half years younger than Aidan. Then I was going shopping at Wal-Mart, but had to put some things from my cart into the car before going in because I'd gotten them at another store. I thought I didn't have any money but then remembered that I had a Wal-Mart Credit Card. I needed to get some things for my cover story. (I think I was a spy, or undercover agent of some sort.) Then I was hiding behind some bushes, watching a man.

Monday positives.

We are feeling much better today.
Aidan's spots went away.
It's only going to be 80 degrees today.
Knowing that if I need to, I have some place I can go to be safe.
Friends that are still friends despite time and distance.
Today I will have enough to eat, a warm place to sleep, and a shower when I want it.
Today my family and friends are still alive and doing relatively well.
Today I am loved and I love in return.

My dream.

It was cold, and rainy. I was walking toward a building where I was to meet someone. When I got there I sat at a table in a small coffee shop to wait. I had some work to do on a laptop so I pulled it out and started to work. Later, I must have talked to the person, because I was leaving the coffee shop with a new assignment. I went to look for the man I was to give the paper to. Later again, I was scared, someone had killed the man and was looking for me. I was sure that I was hidden well enough to keep safe for a short time. Shift of scene and reason for hiding. I had ran away from California, because Howard had died and Aidan's biological Mother was coming to get him. I knew that she had been doing a lot of drugs and that she really just wanted to sell him to someone for more drugs. (I don't know how I knew it but it was true in the dream anyway) I didn't want to give him up at all, but it was even more scary to give him to her, so I took him and we went into hiding. I went to New York to live with Allen, and started looking for someone to get me fake documents so that Aidan would appear to me my son, and for both of us to have different names. I thought New York would be the place to find such things. I was afraid every day that Aidan would be taken away from me.

I woke up with a coughing spell. When I could get back to sleep I had silly dreams of dancing flowers, the Wiggles, and cartoon characters playing Spades.

I say ... and you think ... ?

Playoffs :: Basketball
Morris :: The Cat
Break up :: to Make up
Eggs :: and toast
Parker :: Brothers
Hardy Boys :: Mystery's
Deluxe :: Edition
Protection :: Safety
Girl Scout :: Cookies
Salsa :: Music

Unconscious Mutterings

Health issues.

Well, my family seems to have caught a virus. Aidan has a fever, is throwing up, and has tiny red spots all over him. Howard spent 2 days throwing up. Today I'm feeling sick. My biggest problem is that I don't have a washer and dryer handy, so there are several things that Aidan threw up on that need to be washed. I could go down to Buna's, but since I'm sick and Aidan is too ... I think we should stay home. Unfortunately, I'm running out of bedding for Aidan's bed, and Howards cloths for school needs to be washed. I'm not sure what I'll do, probably wait until tomorrow hoping that I'll feel better. I hope all of you who are reading this are well.

The new Template.

I decided to choose a new template. I liked this one because it's green, my favorite color. I don't know how to make the word "Links" bigger, but I'll find out how and fix it later. As far as I can tell all the links work from here. We'll see how it goes, I might change it again someday.

How things are progressing.

Aidan wasn't changed much because of his surgery. He hates diaper changes, because I have to put neosporin on the surgery sites. But he is walking as much as he did before, maybe a little more, and his talking is the same.

Howard has an interview tomorrow for a job, that might be just part time. But that would work out fine for the next few weeks while he finishes his class and takes his test to get his certification.

I'm still happily a stay at home Mom. The new place is slowly taking shape, but there is still a lot for me to do.

I talked to my Mom on Mother's Day, she had spent a nice day with my brother Mark and his lady. He took the opportunity to propose to her! They haven't set a date yet, but I'm going to try my best to be there for the wedding. I'm very happy that he has finally found someone that he can love, and talk to. I hope she understand about "Rose Gardens". (It's an in joke sorry.)

The speed Demon.

I've decided that I must be possessed by a Speed Demon. LOL I tend to drive too fast, and it seems to happen all on it's own, as if I have no control over the situation. One moment I'll glance down at the speedometer and I'm going 65, the next I'll look and I'm going 85! I don't know how this happens, I don't want to drive fast ... I just feel like I'm driving too slow and then I realize that I'm actually driving too fast. I've been lucky and haven't gotten a ticket or had even a close call with the police. I've also been lucky in that I've been able to avoid even coming close to having an accident. I'm trying to slow down. Unfortunately Friday, on the way to the Hospital a trip that should have taken 90 minutes took less than 60.

Anyone know of an exorcism for a Speed Demon? LOL!

Monday again.

Aidan's smiles.
The love of my family.
Having someone to talk to.
Star filled evening sky.
cuddling.
Aidan's kisses.
Allen, and Xander.
Chris.
Hearing from Sara and Mikey.
New babies, and older children.

Happy Mother's Day

I hope that every Mother, Step-Mother, Mother-to-be, future Mother has a wonderful day.

I say ... and you think ... ?

Vagina :: female
Racism :: evil
Mother's Day :: love
Fire alarm :: loud
Elvis :: Presley
Pregnant :: not yet
Vacation :: rest
Waffles :: yummy
Perpendicular :: beside
Hospital :: cold

Update.

We had to be at the hospital by 8:30 AM, it took one and a half hours to get there. We waited, after the initial sign in, until 9:45 for them to take Aidan in for his surgery. It was almost 12 when we were allowed back into recovery to see him. He was mad and he felt strange because of the anesthesia and so he was yelling and crying. I calmed him down after about 10 minutes, and he went back to sleep. We couldn't leave until he woke up and was alert. They took his vital signs and gave us a prescription for some pain meds. The surgery went well. The Doctor said that the testicle is small and soft, it may never develop fully, but the one on the right seems to be normal. Once he has gone through puberty and finished growing he will have to learn how to check for tumors, because men who have had an undecended testicle have a greater risk for cancer even if they have the surgery to bring it down. He can be checked for Sperm count once he is mature as well, many men have only one functioning testicle and still are able to become fathers.

I'm very tired, relieved, and sorry that he has to suffer through the pain. But I know it's for the best, and it's better done now than later. Thank you everyone for your support and your kindness.

What a Thursday today is.

I'm so very sleepy today. I laid down for an hour but I'm still almost drifting off. I'm sitting here waiting for the Children's Hospital to call for the time that we need to have Aidan in for all the pre-surgery stuff. I hate waiting for anything, and this is difficult as it is. Aidan is sitting in his high chair eating his lunch, blissfully unaware that tomorrow he will be experiencing pain like he's never had before. Ok, now I'm getting ... I'm not sure of the word I want, sad, worried, empathetic ... I don't know.

I also wonder how this will affect his walking and other development. He's going to hurt down between his legs, will he stop trying to walk because of that? Or will it prompt him to walk more? Will he focus more on talking now, or will he revert back to an earlier stage? At least it's only day surgery, so he won't have to spend the night in the hospital. After Christopher had his surgery, when he was 8, he kind of got weird about food. Because they had him on a liquid diet for a couple of days. (He had some bleeding in his intestines. And they needed to clear them out to find the problem.) Aidan is younger and will be on liquids for a much shorter time, and he likes drinking from a cup or a bottle, it hasn't been all that long since all he had was liquids anyway.

Realizations.

I was chatting with my Mom yesterday, and I realized that I hadn't told her about Aidan's surgery. Part of it is because I kept thinking that the problem would fix itself. Well, since he's over a year old and his testicle is still not where it belongs ...
Anyway, I've talked about it here and I guess I forgot that I hadn't told everyone. She wasn't angry or anything, and I hope her feelings weren't hurt too badly. Mom and I are still friends, I would never do anything to hurt her.

The surgery is Friday. I'm really nervous when I think about it. He's such a sweet little boy. I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

I miss Allen and Chris, but it looks like they are doing ok with out me. And of course I miss my adorable Xander. I wish I could live closer so I could watch him grow. A Grandma needs her grandkids, and since I only have Xander I feel like I really need him. From the pictures I've seen he's so very cute, and from what I hear from his mother and father he is really very smart as well. He reminds me of Allen at that age, I hope he has fewer problems than Allen did. Allen grew up pretty well despite all the trouble he got into.

Inspiration, guidance, words of wisdom.

Mind Body Spirit Coaching

"A smile can change the day" - Allan J. Firman

We are constantly attracting to our lives, a universal energy that matches our own energy. With a smile we send out positive energy to the world, so we in turn get a positive response from the universe.

The next time you are feeling stuck in your life. Smile for a complete day and see what you notice is positive and then notice all the positive things you attract towards you.

Found here.

Interesting place.

This is an interesting new blog for political discussion, so far they only have 2 news articles, but I've found that at least one of their readers is intelligent and not afraid to debate differing view points. I hope it continues to grow and does as well as I think it can.

Meds, the heat and sleepiness.

I don't know if it's the new medication I'm taking or the heat, but lately I've been so very tired. Last night I went to bed at 9:30, usually I go to bed at 11. I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. The night before I just barely stayed awake until 11, the day after I started taking the meds, I slept for 3 hours in the afternoon, and then went to bed at 10. It's been in the 90's every day since I got the meds, and since the air conditioner here isn't working at it's best it gets pretty hot inside the house. We don't have enough shade to go out side, and I burn too easy not to sit in the shade, so Aidan and I stay in front of the fans a lot of the time during the day. My allergies are really kicking up too. So it could be any or all of these factors causing me to be so sleepy.

Oh, the medication is Celebrex, for the bursitis in my right elbow. I'll be taking it for 30 days total, so only 27 days left. The weather is supposed to cool down before the week-end, 70's and 80's are predicted for the next 2 weeks.

Positive thoughts for a Monday.

My anniversary was nice and quiet, spent with Aidan and Howard.
The medication the Dr. gave me has taken away the pain in my right elbow.
The beautiful smile on Aidans face when he sees me.
Aidans new "cool" sunglasses, which he will leave on for at least two minutes before he pulls them off.
Taking a nice cool shower after a long hot day.

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Sexy ::Sleek
2. Clique :: Group
3. Pledge :: Promise
4. Carbs :: Starch
5. Dream Job :: Scrapbook Store Owner
6. Sweeps :: Cleans
7. Soundtrack :: Music
8. Hero :: Protector
9. Shave :: Hairless
10. Christina :: Dance

You can find the web page where I found this Here.