Happy Halloween!

10 Scary things.

1. Young children, say under 13, and uncontrolled water, rivers or lakes.
2. The thought of loosing Aidan, Allen, Christopher or Xander.
3. The way people drive in the rain here in California.
4. House Fires.
5. Guns.
6. Being trapped within my own head. Nonfunctional body with perfectly functioning mind unable to do anything.
7. The way some people treat their children.
8. The fact that some people even have children.
9. The thought of waking up next to a dead man.
10. Anything that includes unexpected pain. Pain that I haven't been prepared for.

Several of those things have been dreams over the years. Loosing the kids I love, and kids near water are recurring dreams for me. I've dreamed of loosing Allen and Christopher in rivers and lakes and not being able to get to them. It's scary enough that I can't relax when I'm at a river or lake and there are any kids there. I've also dreamed that my husband had died during the night while we were sleeping. I used to think that I wanted to die in my sleep until I thought of how my husband would feel waking up next to a dead body.

House fires, guns and the way Californians drive in the rain (at least the ones around here) are all also related to injury of the people I love. Although I think that I'd really hate to die by burning, I'm more afraid of a fire killing people I love.

Fears for myself are a little harder, I would really hate to be trapped in my own head unable to communicate with others. Thinking of pain I'm not prepared for is a little scary as well. My children were born by c-section, the thought of natural child birth and the pain I know nothing about is scary to me.

I find spiders to be creepy, but not scary. The same with snakes.

Monday Positives

Taking a nap when Aidan does.
The Celtic Knot work baby blanket is almost finished.
Reconnecting with the SCA.
Thoughts of returning to Oregon, to live, in the near future.
RAIN! Beautiful, wet, life giving rain! Finally!
Exclamation points to let people who read this blog know just how excited I am about something.

There is a well worded entry about the Gay Marriage issue in this blog. Blurbomat . I wish I could find the book I have that talks about Same Sex Marriages / relationships through the ages. I remember reading that until recently marriage was not a religious thing. (recent being in the last couple of hundred years or so.) I will have to search through my many boxes of things and find it. I know it's here somewhere because I've seen it since we moved to California.

Monday Positives.

Even though I wasn't feeling well, my birthday week-end was very nice. I spent it doing pretty much nothing but playing with Aidan and watching movies with Howard.

It actually started to rain! The highs are going to be around 70 or so for the next few days, and it will probably rain a little bit as well. I'm so happy!

The end of my head cold is finally in sight. I'm feeling so much better today, although not completely recovered.

Even though my DVD player decided to break down, Howard had already installed a program which allows us to play a movie on the computer and watch it on the TV.

My sweet husband washed all the dishes, and set up Aidan's new twin size bed. Just because I was feeling yucky and it was my birthday week-end. I know how much he hates washing dishes so it was a really big deal especially since I had fallen behind because of being sick for 3 days.

I talked to Snowanna yesterday. It sounds like she has things worked out pretty well. She and David are going to school through an internet school, which allows them to do things at their own pace and lets them stay at home with little DJ. It looks like David can graduate this school year, and Snowanna could graduate next school year. Both ahead of schedule. Then they plan to go to Community College, he wants to be an EMT, and she wants to be a juvenile Parole Officer. She is studying Spanish so that, maybe she will be able to qualify for bi-lingual status. I think she can do this, she is smart enough, and strong enough. She just has to keep with it, even when it gets hard. And it will get hard.

Happy Birthday to Me!

That's right, today is my birthday. How old am I, you ask? I'm 45. Yup, 45 years old. My age isn't an issue with me. The fact that I have a 25 year old son and a 22 year old son is an issue for me. How did they get so old? Wasn't it just last week that they were only 5 and 8? I feel much older being the mother of a 25 year old than I do being 45. Oh, and having a Grandson who is going to turn 6 in December! That makes me feel pretty old too. I love them all so much. I know that many parents feel like their kids grow up too fast, that time flashes by so quickly. I can't imagine how old my Mother must feel today. LOL

Today I'm just sitting around, resting. Because I've been kind of sick the last few days. I had a migraine last night and ended up throwing up just before I went to bed. Before that I felt sick for a few days, but didn't actually throw up. I also had a stiff back for most of the week. But today I feel much better, just a little tired.

Yesterday we put a twin size bed in Aidan's room. It just barely fits. We have the mattress and box springs set on edge against the wall for the time being. I have to decide what to do with my big old dresser. It's 19 inches deep so it's going to be a challenge. But I'm thinking about where I can squeeze it in. Tomorrow I'll move it, if I actually figure out where to put it. (Oh just in case you were wondering, Aidan is 20 months old as of the 14th. He's growing up pretty fast too!)

A swarm of tidal waves dream.

This was another dream where I was me, but not me somehow. I was living in a coastal community, maybe in Hawaii.

I had long straight dark hair, like a Hawaiian woman. Howard was not Howard and was also Hawaiian, and both of us were very young.

We were standing on the deck of his parents house looking out at the ocean. The house was atop a cliff over a beach. It was a very beautiful setting. Off to the right the cliff curved and shortened, so just that it eventually merged with the beach. We watched the children playing on the beach and the waves coming in. Then we noticed that the water was receding (like people describe it doing just before a tidal wave.) People ran up the path to the top of the cliff and watched a wave wash over a section of the beach.

Then, at what now seems like an unhurried pace, the water receded again, and another wave came crashing in a bit closer. People were talking about what they were going to do when the waves came to our part of the beach.

My husbands parents closed up their house, because it was built to sustain a tidal wave, and they would be safe in it. My Hubby and I decided to get our surf boards and try to ride the wave. Somehow I got separated from him and couldn't find him again. I also couldn't find my surf board. The wave was coming in so I swam to a ship or houseboat made from a Navy ship. I got in just in time to feel the wave rock the boat a little and then it was gone. I went back to my in-laws house, they had some cracked windows but that was all the damage they had. Some how they had gathered several children and we had to find their parents. Throughout all of this I was angry and worried about my husband.

In all we saw 4 waves. There didn't seem to be any real hurry about things, no fear, just excitement and wonder. The third one hit our area of the beach.

Monday morning positives

I'm happy that I didn't give myself a concussion when I forgot that the ceilings in this house are very low and flicked the sheet to straighten it out and ended up bringing down the whole fixture, breaking the bulb and giving myself a lump the size of a mouse ball in the center of my forehead.

I'm happy that my brothers are doing well after their separate medical experiences.

I'm happy that Aidan is growing up well and learning many things, even if one of them is climbing out of his bed which means that we will have to get him a new bed that won't be a falling hazard for him.

I am happy that Aidan's first adventure being awake and out of bed before anyone else led him to my room where he tried to tickle our toes with his chilly little fingers. He could have gone into the kitchen and tried to make breakfast, or dumped the trash, or satisfied his curiosity about the things under the sink.

The weather here is sunny, and warm. It's been in the lower 80's for about a week now. It's finally cooling off!! Yeah!

A weeks worth of posts, well maybe.

I'm sorry I've been so lax on keeping up with this. Aidan and I had a stomach bug or something. He threw up Tuesday night, Wednesday morning and that afternoon. By Thursday he was back to normal. I did throw up, but felt like it all day Wednesday and Thursday. I'm feeling pretty well today.

Not much progress has been made on the Baby blanket. Between feeling ill and my elbows hurting, I just couldn't do it.

Oh yeah! One really good thing did happen this week! On Sunday Howard and Jimmy gave me an early Birthday present. (My birthday is the 16th) It is a 1987 Dark Brown Cadillac DeVille. It's in beautiful shape, runs perfectly, and is much appreciated. The public transportation system around here sucks. It's worse than Salem in a lot of ways. Some things are within walking distance, but with the hot weather I haven't been able to go anywhere. Now I can go pick up milk when I need it. I don't feel so tied down to the house now either.

My sister-in-law brought some of Garrett's old cloths down for Aidan. Garrett is 10 months older than Aidan so it still works out well. There are some really nice things in there. Some of them where probably pretty expensive. Aidan is pretty well set for the next few months anyway, maybe even a year or more.

Howard got me "The Sims 2" I'm trying to learn how to play it now. It's more complicated than the original, some of it is easier, but some of it is harder. The frustrating thing about it, for me, is the build mode. It is harder to use than the old one. Buying and placing furniture is frustrating as well. I'm getting better, and will soon have my house built and furnished so that my family, sisters named Bridget and Arowyn O'Riley, can start their lives. I only play for a couple of hours in the after noon, and since Aidan is usually up, those hours are interrupted to play with him and keep him out of trouble. He likes the game too though so he will sometimes sit on my lap and watch. In the evenings, after Aidan is sleeping and if Howard is out working with Jimmy, I might play a little more. But usually Howard is home and that is his computer time.

Snowanna's son is here!

Little David Michael was born on Wednesday September 29 th! I've seen a few pictures of him and he looks so cute! He has lots of dark hair. I don't have all the details such as his weight and length yet, because my phone has been out of order for the last few days. It's working now, so maybe I'll get a call soon. If not I'll call my Mom after 9 tonight or tomorrow morning depending on what happens around here. I'm so excited! I'm a GREAT-AUNT! Now I have to really hurry on that baby blanket for him! Sorry for all the exclamation points, did I say that I'm EXCITED!

(edited to add:)


"David Michael was born Sept 29 around 1 pm, I believe. She had to have him Cesearian, as he was getting too tired. She did extremely well during the delivery and all, while I was there a few of the nurses came in telling her how wonderfully she did. The baby was 9lbs 4oz, 21 inches long. His chest was 18 inches across, and his head 11inches. They took his footprints and handprints while I was there, and he wasn't exactly happy about it. He just wanted to sleep! They had induced Snowanna the day before, and she was in labor for almost 24 hours - from the time she called to say she was being induced until the time she had him, it was almost 24 hours. She
should get to come home on Saturday, Mark and I are going to pick her up."

Thank you Eileen for all the details! In case you missed it, Eileen is my brother Mark's fiance. She also told me some other good news, Mark is doing well after his surgery. I am so glad that she is there for Mark and to help keep me up to date on things.

I guess I'm a Spyro-Graph.

What Childhood Toy from the 80's Are You? I didn't get the code copied and now the site isn't responding. Oh well. It's a Quizzilla quiz. Just something silly. I'll try later and see if I can get the description of me and you can decide if it fits or not.

(Edited to add:)

You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This and that.

I've been very tired lately. I think it's allergies for the most part. But I think that my bursitis medication isn't working as well as it used to, resulting in less restful sleep because of the pain. I've got to make an appointment with my Doctor and see what else, if anything, can be done.

The Celtic knotwork blanket is taking a long time to get done. I'm thinking of making only 2 knotwork panels and one seed stitch panel. That shouldn't take very long to do. Then I'll do the edging and get Snowanna's new address and get it off in the mail.

Aidan says something that sounds like a cross between 'mice' and 'ace'. He is trying to say 'nice'. He says it when he is petting the cat, as a reminder to himself to pet her nice and gentle. LOL He still tends to be a little rough with her, with out meaning to be. He says 'tee-tee' for kitty. I think I'm listening better now, it must have been (and still probably is) frustrating for him. His favorite word right now is 'What?' but he never says it just once. It's always 'What? What?' He uses it mostly when we ask him what he is doing, or when I go check on him and he is doing something he thinks he shouldn't be doing.

Pieces and flashes of a dream.

It was another dream that involved some kind of secret. I was doing secret things, hiding from some people, running, but none of it seemed to be truly "bad". Some times I had Aidan with me, sometimes I was alone. There were even times when I wasn't even me. I wish I could remember more, because it was interesting and fun.

Later I had another dream. I was back in college, but I was only 22. (For those of you who don't know me, I went to college later in life. I was a 30 year old freshman.) I still had my kids, all three of them, but they seem to have been triplets or something because they were all about 2. I was single, but that didn't seem to make any difference. Or maybe my Husband just didn't show up in my dream. Anyway, I was studying Anthropology, Art, and American Sign Language. As is typical in some of my dreams, I seemed to have enough time to study, play with the kids, go on picnics, go to class, get A's and still sleep 8 or 9 hours every night. This dream was more of a slice of life type thing. No chases, or monsters, not even any sex. The only reason I'm mentioning it is because it's the only dream I've remembered more than just flashes of in months.

Monday Positives.

It's harder to think of good things when you are feeling bad. I have a very stiff neck which is giving me a horrible head ache. On top of it I've been having stomach problems all day. But I like the thought of starting the week off on a positive note so here goes.

We got a new cell phone, it's a replacement for the old one that wasn't working well so it's the same type. But this one works, and has a screen I can actually read.

My family, who always seem to be there for each other. Sometimes it can only be emotional support, but sometimes that is more help than anything else.

My friends, because I know I can bitch and moan about my problems and they will still care about me.

Finally a cooling trend! The weather for the next week has been predicted to be in the mid to upper 80's.

Good medical care for the people I love.

I'm sure I've mentioned most of this before, but these are things that are positive and important in my life.

Updates.

I talked to Allen and Xander yesterday. It was nice to hear from them. Now I have their new address and Allen's phone number.

I called my Mom about Snowanna. She wasn't home so I left a message. Not long after I talked to Allen she called me. Here's the scoop: The baby isn't ready to be born yet. If she hasn't gone into labor before October 4th they will probably induce her. (Her original due date was September 18th.) So I have some more time to work on the blanket.

Oh yeah, the blanket is progressing ok. But now I remember why I don't like to make afghans in sections to be sewn together. I have a hard time keeping the tension the same from one piece to the other. I was nearly finished with the second panel when I checked it against the first. It's quite a bit bigger. An inch wider and with about 4.5 instead of 5 repeats of the main pattern it's about 2 inches longer! I think I like the bigger version better though, so I'll try to keep the tension looser for the next two panels. (I need three to finish the blanket.) If I can't keep them close enough I'll probably just make 2 panels of seed stitch and make them the same length as the panel I like the best. That will be easier to do since I won't have to worry about the pattern. I hope that I can actually finish the project as originally intended, but I'm willing to change it in order to finish it in time to send it to the baby.

Somewhere someone mentioned that maybe I should listen closer to what Aidan is saying. Maybe he is saying more words than I think he is because I'm not listening well enough. I'm trying to hear his words. Wish us luck.

People Pleaser, please don't rock the boat.

Yes that's me. I don't always say things I'd like to say, because I don't want to offend any one. I try to keep the peace, between the people I care about. I try very hard not to rock the boat.

Somehow I find myself drawn to situations where there is going to be conflict. I even go to message boards that are sure to have conflict. I might even participate if it's unlikely that anyone who knows me in real life will see it. I know that I care too much what other people think of me, I want people to think I'm nice - smart - creative - not at all bitch like, I'm working on that problem. I try not to discuss politics, because it might upset someone. I don't understand why I feel so afraid of upsetting things.

*I* don't stop liking people just because we have a difference of opinion. I read several Blogs even though their authors have stated political positions that are not my own. So why do I continue to worry that people will stop reading my blog if I state my opinions? Why do I even care if people read me? I'll continue to work on it, maybe some day you will read about what I think about some controversial issue.

Where did the week go?

I intended to blog this week, but somehow the week vanished on me and I just never got around to it.

This week I've been reminded of my family and how important they are to me.

I am grateful for:

My Mom, who is also my best friend, because she always encouraged me to do things and to learn new things. She might not have a lot of formal education but she is one of the smartest people I know.

My Dad, because he loves me no matter what. He might not have understood me, the things I wanted might not have mad any sense to him, but he did his best for me.

My brother Cody, because he is a caring person. He and I may not have much in common, we may not understand each other's sense of humor, but we are family.

My brother Mark, who is also my friend, because he challenges me to extend my mind. Our discussions are informative as well as fun. I enjoy spending time with him, just because. We have a deep connection.

My son Christopher, because he was my first child. He is a good man, with lots of care and love for the people in his life.

My son Allen, because he and I have a friendship that has grown as he has grown into a wonderful man. He is intelligent, loving, interested in the world around him and strong in his ideals.

My Grandson Xander, because he is my one and only grandchild. He is smart, well behaved, and loving. He is growing into such a wonderful person.

My son Aidan, because he is so sweet and I had given up on ever having an other baby in my life. I enjoy watching him learn and think things through. He is fun and very loving.

My husband Howard, because he puts up with all my crazy moods. He allows me to fall apart if I need to, and I know he will be strong for me instead of me needing to be strong for him. I don't think any man has ever loved me so much. (My dad, brothers, and sons don't count.)

All of my nieces and nephews, because they are the future. Each of them has something special. I hope each of them will be able to live up to their potential.

Hello, Monday

I like these Monday positives. It's nice to remember the good things in my life.

The new TV season is starting! I have a few returning favorites, and I like checking out all the new shows.
Having the right stuff for cleaning.
CHOCOLATE!
Cuddles and snuggles with Aidan.
Taking a Quizilla test and finding out I'm a "Goth Mama". (This is really funny and gave me a good laugh.)

Three years ago today.

I woke up that morning because my brother called and wanted to know if I was awake and watching TV. I reached for the remote and turned it on while asking him what was happening. It was just moments after the second plane had hit. I couldn't believe my eyes, I thought it might be a movie stunt or something, but when it went on and one, with pictures of things as they happened it slowly sunk in that it was real.

That is when I started to worry about my friends and family who live in New York. I didn't know where the schools and businesses they would be at were located in relation to the towers. (I'm a west coast girl) The phone lines were all jammed up so I couldn't call them. I thought of all the other people around the world who might be worried about loved ones, not knowing if they were ok or not. I tried to clear my mind to meditate and pray for the people who had died, and those who would grieve for them. For those who waited at distant locations wondering if they would ever talk to their son/ daughter/ brother/ sister/ father/ mother/ husband/ wife/ cousin/ aunt/ uncle/ or friend ever again. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't calm my mind, I couldn't clear the visions of those beautiful buildings falling, the people running, and imagined images of body parts and crushed, burning children.

My grandson lives on Staten Island, with his Mother my friend, his Father my son, and two very dear friends. I worried that he was too close, and that he was hurt and scared. I worried that his Mother might work too close, that she might be hurt or worse dead. I prayed that his Father, my son, had not been there because I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.

I heard from Allen later that evening, there were some free phones set up for people to call loved ones who were far away. He had been at home with Xander and Solomon, everyone was OK. Nicole had a hard time getting home, as did Gabrielle. But they had found each other and made it through the horrible traffic to get home. Allen planned to work at the volunteer food stations that some of the restaurants were setting up, to help keep the fire fighters, police and other rescue workers fed and to provide water and other drinks for them. I wished I could be there to help. I felt great relief that the people I loved where ok. I could cry for those that were lost, while rejoicing in the fact that I hadn't lost anyone.

Today, after three years, some of the details are blurred. I had been too upset and worried to take note of everything that happened that day. I still feel the panic, anger, worry, fear, and overwhelming sadness when ever I think of that day. Tears still blur my vision. I will never forget that day, I wouldn't want to.

My life Lately

Some days I seem to be too busy to breath. Other days seem to drag on forever. Maybe it's the plight of a Stay at Home Mom, maybe it's just the life of any Mom, or parent who is the primary care giver for a toddler. All I know is that it's very tiring either way.

Already today I've picked up Aidan's toys 3 times, because he just learned how fun it is to dump the toy box out. He does help me pick things up, sometimes, usually when he's tripped over something or slid on a book. Besides the sooner the toys are back in the box the sooner he can dump them out again. I still need to keep him out of the kitchen, but now it's because he learned how to open the cabinet under the sink, and turn on the stove. I probably should put the cleaning supplies somewhere he can't get to, which means in the higher cupboards, or hidden somewhere. But that makes them harder for me to get to them as well. As for the stove, it's a gas stove, one side has a problem with it's pilot light staying lit. So if he turns on the burners on that side we run a 50/50 risk of them being unlit and the gas filling the house. (Right now not too much of a problem, since I have windows open all over the house. )

I'm still concerned about his language development, Howards says I'm too worried about this stuff. That I need to relax and let him develop as he will naturally. That's all well and good, but I don't want him to have problems in school later. Whatever school he ends up going to.

Speaking of school, I've found some really interesting homeschooling links, some educational websites, thanks to Catawampus. Even if I don't homeschool these links could be very helpful to school age kids, and their parents.

I've been on a message group with several "Child-free" people on it. It's interesting to talk about the other side of things. These are people who don't have children by their own choice. Most of them are not "child-haters", some of them even really like kids. They just choose not to have any of their own. I can remember what it was like before Aidan came into our lives, and while it wasn't truly child-free because I already had kids who were already grown, I can sort of understand their position. I love kids in general, of course there are kids I don't like, but it was nice to have just adult things to think about. I could go where I wanted to, when I wanted to, as long as I had the money for gas. I could spend all day reading, or knitting, or visiting with friends. And all those other things that are very hard if not impossible with a child in tow. I do not regret having Aidan in my life. Though I do miss those child free times. The conversation on that site is interesting, people try to keep things friendly and open minded. Parenting issues, relationship issues, questions to help each other understand more about our choices. Until I found that group I had never thought of the differences. The name of the group is Tanglewood.