Permission given.

Our Sweet Little Girls Mom sent me a text message allowing me to post pictures. I had to wait until her Dad picked her up, and I had things to deal with concerning The Boy, but I'm here now so here goes.

My favorite by far. It was hard to get her to sit still, and harder still to get her to stand so I could get a good shot. But this one turned out pretty good.

This is the best of her standing up. You can see how baggy the tights are. She really looks cute in the dress, when she learns to walk it will be easier for her.

Here is one with her crawling, as you can see the skirt gets under her knees and that causes a slight problem. She's pretty smart and works around it, but she'll be walking soon so I guess it won't matter. I just hope it will still fit her and the weather won't be too hot for it.

Our Sweet Little Girls Jumper

I won't post pictures of her wearing the dress, although I did take several. I haven't asked her Mom if it's okay yet so you will just have to imagine a cute little girl wearing this little jumper.

This is the front. You can see where the stripe took a change of direction down near the bottom of the skirt. The color band/stripe seems wider to me than the other one was, I'm not sure why it's so different.

This is the back. Little Girl was trying to grab the dress and though it on the ground. LOL

Here is a close up of the lace design at the hem of the skirt. I think it would show up better if the dress was a solid color, maybe with a contrasting skirt/petticoat/slip underneath it to help the lace show up better.

So now it's done. I have enough yarn left for at least on pair of socks for me, and maybe on pair for someone smaller as well. Like Aidan, whose Daddy wouldn't like it at all but who knows maybe I'll make them anyway. I just need to get size 3 double pointed needles, the pattern I have right now calls for a set of 5, but I'm still looking for other patterns to try as well. I'll probably post pictures when I get them finished. If I actually get them finished.

Mac and cheese and knit project.

Today I made home made Mac and Cheese. I found the recipe in my "Good Housekeeping Cookbook". It tuned out really well. I think I'll skip the bread crumb topping. I didn't have the dry mustard so I left it out. I also don't have a casserole dish so I put it in my spring form pan, it may have been spread a bit thin, but I think it worked well anyway. Aidan seems to like it, and I know I do.

I'm working on the second little jumper. This one is for My Sweet Little Girl. The stripe problem hasn't appeared this time, but it did have something strange happen. It was making a spiral stripe like the first one only it was going the other way around, but then it shifted and is now going the other way. This leaves a fairly large area of either the color stripes or the grey and white. I'll see how it looks once I get to the top of the skirt. Otherwise this one is working up quicker and easier. I think it is going to look better over all as well, because I have more experience with the pattern. Not that I think the one I did of Snowanna's baby is ugly or anything. Anyway I'll take pictures when I get to the top of the skirt and let you all see how it worked out.

The Baby shower, and pictures of the jumper.

So anyway, I got the jumper finished Friday afternoon. Then I washed it and blocked it on a towel to dry, so the hem wouldn't be so curled. I think it turned out pretty well, the color band runs around the dress in a spiral from the bottom to the waist band. I got a couple of little onesies and some tights to go with it.

Here's the best picture I have of it.

The shower was really nice, we all had a nice time. This little girl is going to be spoiled though. LOL Not really, she just has so many people who love her.

Here is one of Snowanna standing in profile.

Frustration!

Okay, so I spent last night working on the jumper for Isolde. I'm frustrated because I would get 6 or 7 rows done and then decide to tear it out and try again. What's the problem? Well, the stripes are working just fine except for the fact that all the gray and white are on one side and the colors are on the other. I trying to cast on a different places in the color scheme, but EVERY time it's the same thing. (sigh) Maybe it's because it's knit in rounds rather than rows. So anyway, I'm thinking about tearing it out again and adding 16 or 24 stitches. The pattern at the bottom of the skirt is in multiples of 8. Or maybe I'll have to go up to the size 2 dress instead of the size 1.

Here is what I have done so far. I'm thinking about continuing working until I'm past the "Fish tail lace" pattern, I have 13 more rows to go and then I'll just be knitting around for a few inches. What do you think? I really want this to be done by next week-end for the baby shower.

It came!

Wow! Just a couple of minutes after I finished the last post the UPS Lady came by! I was almost dancing with excitement. The yarn is beautiful, soft and I think will knit up really pretty. I started the first jumper, when Sweet little Girl was napping, I got as far as the second row already. (It took me awhile to get the right amount of a tail with the casting on.) So anyway, now that Sweet little Girl has gone home with her Daddy, I'm going to be knitting until time to cook dinner, and then if my hands can handle it I'll be knitting up until bed time, with some breaks of course when I put The Boy to bed and other such things.

Here is a picture of the yarn, needles, stitch holders, and what I've gotten done so far. (The pattern starts on circular needles. I'm just hoping that I can knit it in the correct gauge.)

Have I mentioned I hate waiting?!

Okay, so the box with the yarn and other stuff for the jumpers is on the truck to be delivered today! I'm really excited about it. But now I will be spending the day until it arrives waiting for it to get here! At least I have The Boy and Sweet little Girl to keep my busy.

I got things vacuumed last night so she can play here around the table, but that also means she can get to the cords for the modem and router and the laptop charger. So far she has only found them once, and I've laid something over them now so they aren't so obvious to her.

The Boy wavers between wanting to cuddle her and being tired of her wanting to play with HIS stuff. He told me that he would like to keep her, but every night when she goes home he happily gets out the toys he has to keep in his room while she is here. This has been good for him, and for me. We will miss her when she goes to her other daycare situation in September. I am hoping that her Mom and I will be able to get together often now that we are living in the same city again.

Hmm ... I'm still waiting for the UPS guy to get here. (I guess it could be a UPS gal, so maybe UPS person would be the better choice of words.) Waiting sucks! I know that it's still early in the day but ... I want it NOW! Oh, and I know that I won't be able to do anything with it yet, because knitting with a wide awake baby isn't something I want to try to do. But at least it would be here in case she goes to sleep or something.

Writing takes a lot longer when you have little children wanting attention. LOL I've been writing this entry for almost an hour now. I stopped to feed our Sweet little Girl. (She didn't eat much because she wanted to blow bubbles in her food. Then she bumped her head on the table. I stopped to cuddle her and try to get her to drink some milk. She was more interested in what Aidan was doing than anything. (She didn't even want to be held for more than a minute.) Aidan needed to go to the potty, but didn't make it so we had to change his pull up. And I often stop typing just to look around and see where they are. Right now they are sitting on the kitchen floor looking at each other and clapping their hands.

Will the UPS person EVER get here! (sigh) Maybe I'd better stop writing now and find something else to keep me busy. I HATE waiting!

Project update.

None of the stores in town have the yarn I want to use for the jumpers, so I had to order it. I know the Lion Brand yarn isn't usually one of the yarns used by some knitters. It's one of the yarns you find in places like Wal-Mart, but not that little speciality yarn store down the block. I would love to be able to afford to use pure natural fibers, hand spun and hand painted yarns. But even with the "cheaper" yarns like Lion Brand and Red Heart it costs quite a bit more to make a sweater than it does to buy one in the store. (One sweater I'd like to make for myself would cost $118 just in materials.)

I got a notice just hours after making the order that it had already been shipped! Maybe it will be here before the shower after all. I doubt I'll have time to get one for the jumpers finished before the shower, but I'd like to show Snowanna the yarn I chose anyway. The only thing I need to get, that I couldn't order from Lion Brand, are the buttons. I need 4 for each jumper. They need to be 3/4 inch buttons, but I'm not sure what color they should be. I went ahead with the Spring colors magic stripe yarn. Maybe I should keep it on the safe side and go with white buttons. But pink or green would be fun. What do you think? I'll have to get to a store to get them soon after I get the yarn, so I don't forget them. LOL

Cooking with kids.

The Boy is getting really interested in cooking, so I got the Rachael Ray book "Cooking Rocks! Rachael Ray 30-minute meals For Kids". He likes it, and the recipes are pretty good for the most part. But we don't use the book all that often. He does help me stir things when I'm making dinner, or baking, He adds ingredients if I've measured them for him, and he will even help me clean up after wards. Well, he will empty the trash bowl or put the bowls, plates and measuring equipment in the sink for me and then he's usually off to do other things. LOL I think it's nice that he and I can share an interest in cooking. (I'm going to give my Dad a copy of the "For Kids" recipe book for his birthday, he has some Grand-kids that would probably love to help their Grandaddy cook.)

The knitting projects.

Okay, I think I've found the pattern I want to make for the baby girls. It is a little jumper/sleeveless dress that can be worn with a shirt in cooler weather or with one a onesie when it's warm. The yarn is fairly light weight, and is designed to make stripes all on it's own. Now all I have to do is choose the color pallet I want to use. Maybe you can help me? Here are m two favorites which one do you think would make the best little girl dress? I'm going to make them both in the 12 month size, I think.


This is the Purple, I hope you can see the colors better than they look on my computer right now. It has purple, gray and white and blue stripes.

This is the Spring colors selection. It has orange, gray and white, green and "hot" pink stripes. I'm leaning toward this one, but I'm not really sure I like the purple one too.

I was going to post a picture from the pattern, but for some reason I can't copy it from Adobe Reader. Oh well.

I was going to order the yarn from Lion Brand Yarn On-line, but Snowanna is going to be having a baby shower on June 2nd, so I'd probably better go find the yarn at a store here in town. I have a list of stores that stock Lion brand yarn so I'll call around and see if any of them have it in stock. If not I guess I'll just have to order it and get something else for the shower. Maybe some tights and a little blouse or something to go with the jumper when it's finished.

Happy Birthday Christopher!

My oldest son turned 28 today! I remember being pregnant with him, I remember how I felt when I knew I was actually in labor. It seems like just last week when the Doctor told me I was fully dilated but he couldn't feel the babies head so we would need an x-ray to find out what was happening. I can close my eyes and see the x-ray of my baby high up in my uterus, breech, legs crossed and sucking his thumb. I shiver with fear when I remember hearing the Doctor saying "We are going to have to do a C-section. If the placenta should detach before his head comes out he might suffer brain damage from lack of oxygen, or he could die." I remember looking down into his tiny little face, and feeling that rush of love I always feel when thinking of him for the first time. I might not be able to remember a lot of details of his growing up, but I remember how it felt when he was little and kissed me, or when he was a teen-ager and hugged me.

Happy Birthday Christopher, I hope that your day has been and will continue to be special you deserve it.

An Anniversary.

Last week Howard and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. We've been together for 9 years now. We have our problems, but for the most part we are still very happy together.

Lately I've been more aware of how small our problems really are. I have two friends who are in the middle of ending important relationships, and two of my favorite bloggers, who happen to be married to each other, have announced that they are getting divorced. I wish I could do something, give them some advice or sympathy or something. But there really isn't anything anyone can do except for being around for them if they need a friend. I hope my friends know that I'm here, I'll listen, I'll help in anyway I can, I just need to know what I can do.

I think in a way I'm feeling a little guilty or something because my relationship is still on good standing while theirs isn't. I know it isn't a rational feeling, I know that they wouldn't want me to be going through what they are. But I'm still a bit reluctant to talk about my marriage with them, or blog about it here because they read might read it and feel sad. Silly I know, but do you understand why I might feel like this?

Reduced energy.

Why is it that when I have the least to give, (energy, strength or emotion) the people around me ask and need the most? It seems like every time I get busy with the dishes or caring for the Sweet little Girl, Aidan needs something to eat or drink or just needs me. Howard isn't much better. For some reason he thinks I should be cooking for him when ever he is home. Today for example: he wanted a sandwich, a grilled ham and cheese, and asked me when I was going to make it for him. The Boy then wanted one too. Sweet Little Girl was about 5 minutes from taking a nap, so she was a bit fussy as well.

Normally that wouldn't have been so bad, but today I'm tired because The Boy took a nap yesterday and then stayed up until 2:30 AM fussing. I also have a head ache, probably because it's that time of the month, or because I only had four and a half hours of sleep last night, or maybe both. Anyway, I could have handled making lunch after Sweet Little Girl was sleeping, but for some reason they didn't really want to wait. I got it taken care of, and she is sleeping right now, so I guess I had enough energy after all.

Maybe I'm just grumpy today and all this is really just a symptom of my grouchiness.

Screaming

I had thought that we were past the long drawn out crying and screaming fits. But the last few days we have had at least one a day, some days had two. He gets upset when told not to do something, so he yells or screams about it. Then kicks his feet or stomps around the room. So far he seems to be calmed by having my friends little girl here. (I'm babysitting for a little while, she's 9 months old, and The Boy adores her.) Today we just went through 20 minutes of screaming because he popped his balloon. It got worse when I couldn't blow it up again, and worse still when I told him to either stop screaming or go into his room. I finally had to take him by the hand and lead him to his room. He screamed in there for quite a while but finally quieted down again. I hope that this doesn't bode badly for the rest of the day. We have to go to the grocery store and I really don't want to deal with a melt down while there.

Naming babies.

With Snowanna being pregnant, and a few friends having or already had babies in the last couple of years I've been thinking about naming babies. Especially girls. I never got to name a girl baby, having all boys and all. I do have some ideas that I would at least suggest to Hubby if somehow we found ourselves expecting a girl. It's not very likely, and to tell the truth I'm happy with things the way they are right now, but it's nice to pretend and day dream.

I like names that have been around for awhile, names that have some history to them. But I also like names that sound pretty. I'm not totally stuck on the name having to be a "real" name for hundreds of years like some people are. If you are one of them, I think that's just fine for you and yours I don't mean it as a put down. For instance, I would look into words for beautiful and adored, and other things I'd like associated with my child, in a Celtic (Irish and/or Scottish) language dictionary and see if those words would make a good name for a girl in America. I'd also would look at the SSN web page for popular names a hundred or so years ago. I'd check on the popularity of name from my family. I'd look at genealogy records for my family and my Hubby's family and see if there are any that sound good.

There are names that may be beautiful but I'd never use them because of over use recently, a bad association with that name from my or Hubby's past, or it just wouldn't work well in Modern American society. (I can't think of any right off hand.)

A few names I like, but haven't checked with SSA yet to see how popular they are: Edited to add statictics and a few more names. Edits are in this color.

I used http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/ to find the ranking for these names. I checked the last 100 years, these are the rankings as they appear in the top 1000.

Lilly (2005 - 180, 1906 - 284, many years not in the top 1000)
Lilah (Only in the top 1000 one year. 1913 - 992)
Miranda (2005 - 114, 1957 - 795 didn't appear before 1957)
Amanda (2005 - 80, 1906 - 190)
Judith (2005 - 541, 1906 - 550)
Elizabeth (2005 - 12, 1906 - 7 always in the top 25)
Cordelia (1950 - 987, 1906 - 454 didn't appear after 1950)
Jennifer (2005 - 42, 1938 - 987)
Nicole (2005 - 56, 1942 - 947)
Marie (2005 - 507, 1906 - 10)
Charlotte (2005 - 135, 1906 - 103)
Caroline (2005 - 83, 1906 - 144)

Abby (2005 - 198, 1952 - 966)
Lilian (2005 - 471, 1906 - 695)
Dorothy (2005 - 47?, 1906 - 6)
Catherine (2005 - 109, 1906 - 26)

Found these on http://www.babynamesofireland.com/.

Alanna (2005 - 494, 1971 - 997)
Derdre (1990 - 990, 1944 - 948)
Maeve or Maebh (2005 - 695, 1997 - 952)
Siobhan (1987 - 914, 1979 - 629)
Teagan (2005 - 478, 1999 - 819)

I know there are others that I like, I'm just not able to think of them right now. Maybe I'll go do some checking and do an update later with the ranking of these names and any others I happen to find. I love names, I think people need to lighten up on how and why others pick the names they do for their children, but I also think that people should think about the fact that their children will have to live with the name they are given their whole lives. Some people will manage just fine with a name like "Pilot Inspector" while others will hate their name, and feel emotionally abused by their parents for giving it to them.

Scones.

The Girl introduced me to scones several years ago when we were going to University together. I got some dried cherries the other day, and wanted to make something out of them so I made some scones. It was a quick and easy recipe from Betty Crocker. It uses Bisquick, cream, a bit of sugar, and the cherries. (The original recipe called for chocolate chips as well, but I didn't have them so I put in twice as many cherries.) They were wonderful! I'll have to try to make some from scratch someday. I have 3 or 4 recipes to try.

Here are a couple of pictures. The first was taken with the newer camera and at a bit of a distance, while the second one was taken with the older camera kneeling and close.

Did I ever mention that I had to get a new camera because the old one got lost during the move? If not, and if I forgot to mention that I found it in my knitting bag, I now have 2 cameras that take good pictures. One will also do audio which makes the little videos better. I like both of them. Howard thinks he should be allowed to have one of them, but I don't know if I'll ever actually let him have one of them. Of course I'll let him use one sometimes. :)

Projects

So now that I have a niece coming in July, and I have some more money to spend of things like yarn and knitting needles, I'm looking for some projects.

I want to make something for Isolde (the name of my soon to be niece), and I'd like to make something for my Sister-Friend Hennifer's little girl, who will be one in July. But I have to find just the right patterns, and yarn. I'd rather not got with the traditional pink for girls, but I do want colors and patterns that are very girly at least for these first projects, because I haven't had girls to make things for before now. Any ideas? Things you think their Mom's would like, both of them are still too small to really care too much themselves. (Hennifer, what do you think?) Any good locations for free knitting patterns? Good inexpensive yarns? Suggestions for more expensive yarns but good for babies? My creativity is zeroing out right now, but I really want to make something. Help! :)

I've been thinking...

... that I can forgive the people I love for almost anything.

There are of course things that could be called unforgivable. I think most of us have similar lists, but there are things that I could forgive that maybe you couldn't.

Anyway, I was thinking about my family and the frustrations, misunderstandings, angry words, and even out right lies that have passed between us. Some things that have passed between me and members of my family wouldn't be forgiven if it had been a friend, in fact the friendship might even be lost. (I'm including family by choice here, they can get away with things even blood relatives sometimes can't.) There are members of the family that I'd rather not talk to right now. I'll probably get past it eventually, because I do still love these people. I can only hope that they feel the same way about me.

I'd like to spend more time with some of my family, but either we just don't connect (too busy with our own lives), or they are holding something against me, Aidan or Howard. I THINK it's because we just don't seem to be able to manage to make the arrangements unless someone else makes them for us. None of us are good at calling, writing or e-mailing each other. That's why I like these blogs, it lets me keep in touch with people. Some who read here have blogs I also read, others don't have blogs at all (that I know of anyway).

So do you forgive easily? Or does it take a lot to get back into your good graces?

My adorable Great-nephew.

I've been reminded that I haven't posted many pictures of my adorable Great-nephew. Part of it was because he isn't my child and I didn't want to post pictures of him and then have Snowanna upset with me about it. But since she was the one who mentioned it I guess it's okay so I'm going to post a few of my favorites.

This one was taken back in September, not long after I came down from Hood River. They were playing together just moments before I took the picture. DJ saw the camera and stopped playing, Aidan didn't notice.

This is one of the best, even though his face is dirty. But I just love the smile and his beautiful eyes.

A very dirty face! But you can see how happy he was and is.

This was DJ's birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. I wish his face wasn't kind of blurred. He wanted me to take this picture, because he really liked the bus

So there we go. I don't have many more recent photos, because Snowanna is pretty busy these day so we don't get to see each other often. I should have taken some today when we were at her house or when we were at dinner, but ... well there isn't really any excuse, I'm just tired and didn't do it. Maybe next time.

Oh, I don't think I've mentioned it before but Snowanna is pregnant again! I'm really happy for her, because she wanted her second child not to be too much younger than DJ. She is having a girl, sometime in July I believe. I would love to see them more often, once or twice a week would be good for me. Now that Aidan isn't with DJ all the time he is better able to play with him without problems. Both boys were SO very well behaved today, I was really proud of them.

Little boy updates.

The Boy is sick again. Poor little guy. He spent most of last night throwing up, and most of today sleeping and throwing up. I hope that he will sleep tonight, he usually does if he sleeps during the day because of illness.

I'm feeling fine, a bit tired from being up with the Boy all night. I did get a bit of a nap after Howard woke up this morning, but 8 hours of interrupted sleep just isn't the same for me as 8 hours of continuous sleep.

Other things are fine around here right now. It's the last few days before payday so we are getting short on a few things, but Friday morning Howard will be bringing home his paycheck and we will be able to take care of all that. I'll also have to get some carpet cleaning spray to spot the carpet where "accidents" happened.

Oh and we had some success yesterday with potty training. Until now the Boy has refused to even try to use the potty, he knew how but didn't want to. So anyway we were taking him in every half an hour and giving him star stickers when he actually peed or pooped. He was really getting into it. Today ... well things are on hold again, until his tummy stops hurting.

3 Wishes.

Now that the April Fools have finished their yearly jokes, have I mentioned that I really dislike April Fools Day?, I can be fairly sure that my posts will be taken seriously. :)

On one of the Flickr! groups I belong to someone asked: If you were given 3 wishes, but you could only use them for YOUR child, what would you wish. (World peace was ruled out as it would be a wish for ALL children.) So I'll ask you, What 3 wishes would you wish for your child? If you have more than one child you can either wish 3 things for all of them, or make 3 wishes for each individually. I'll post my three wishes for my kids, all 3 wishes will fit well for all 3 of my boys, sometime later this week. I don't want to influence any of you too much or cause you to not wish something because it's too close to what I wished.

To all my Blogging friends.

Do you have blogs you visit regularly? I do, and it's not that I'm upset that some of them haven't had anything to say lately but I get worried when it's been months since the last entry. I know that these people have their own lives, and that their blog isn't their first priority. I just miss hearing from them. Many of them I don't know IRL, and those I do know ... well we don't seem to be all that good at keeping touch on the phone or even with e-mail. I'll admit it, I'm a bit of a worrier. I'll get over it. But, hey, if you are one of the bloggers I like to read and you haven't blogged in a while, I'd really appreciate it if you'd check in and let your readers know you are still alive and well. Thanks.

Aidan stuff

Aidan loves books. He always wants to go to the book store and wants to bring home at least one book every time we visit. Luckily for us we have a used book store just up the block, we can get nice new books, and gently used books for good prices. Plus they have a free box or sometimes boxes that they put out every day, we have come across some really good books there, but they are usually worn or marked on or have something else wrong with them, not usually something that would make them useless. I'm very happy that he likes books so much, now I just have to get him to understand that he shouldn't write in them.

Aidan is talking more and more these days, you still can't have a conversation with him (But I think that is close), but he talks in complete sentences, and his pronunciation is very good. Last Sunday Aidan was playing in his room, he came out and said "I'm Tarzan!"

I said "You are Tarzan? Happy to meet you." We shook hands and he ran back to his room to play some more. I was talking to my Mom on the phone at the time.

He came back a little later and said "You are Tarzan."

"I am? No, I'm Mama."

"No, you are Tarzan's Mama." And off he went back to play.

Just before I was finished talking with my Mom he came back and said "You're too late."

"Too late for what?"

"You are just too late." He went back to his room. After I finished talking to my Mom, about 3 minutes or so later, I went to check on Aidan. He was laying in his bed with his little Thomas "Laptop computer" Game on the bed next to him, he was sound asleep. LOL I guess I was too late to put him to bed.

On Tuesday we went to the Goodwill clothing by the pound store, we found a really nice sleeping bag a few towels, and two shirts for Aidan. We also found a book that Aidan loves, and a large suitcase with wheels. We packed the suitcase with our stuff to bring home. Yesterday we went to the grocery store, and took the suitcase to carry the groceries home in. Aidan decided that he wanted to ride in the suitcase rather than the stroller. Howard let him do it so it was up to him to pull the suitcase full of child. It was funny when people noticed his feet hanging out and when we passed a restaurant with Aidan's legs sticking out. (He was holding them straight out so that his shoes didn't drag on the sidewalk.) There was a group of little old ladies sitting at window table and we could see them pointing at us. I wondered what they were thinking. LOL On the way home to suitcase was full of good so Aidan couldn't ride in it, he decided to walk beside his Daddy and "help" pull the heavy suitcase. Those ladies were still at the table and recognised us, they smiled and waved at us.

Dear Sister Friend.

I'm sorry that I didn't comment before. I couldn't remember my password, and now it tells me that you are not using that feature? Oh well, I'll tell you here want I would have said there.

Just because it wasn't permanent doesn't mean it wasn't real. You may still find the "perfect" person for you, it sometimes takes us a long time to understand what that perfect person is really like. Anyway, I love you and want only the best for you. I wish I could hug you right now, even though we didn't hug much when we were together more often.

Am I wrong?

I'm actually enjoying life without a car. Howard, however, hates it. He's hitch hiking to work and back every night.

I think a car is too expensive, gas, insurance, and up keep.

He wants us to get a car, and for me to drive him to work and back everyday.

The problem is, Aidan is on an early day schedule, getting up between 6 and 8 every morning. He goes to bed about 8:30 each night. I would have to get him out of bed about 5 or 6 hours after he goes to sleep. Drive the 45 minutes or so to the Casino, and wait for Howard to be finished. Then drive home, get Aidan to bed and try to catch a couple of hours sleep before he wakes up. I'll be spending all day taking care of Aidan and catching what little sleep I can. I wouldn't have any time to work, because I would have to sleep whenever Aidan does, just to function at half normal.

Howard thinks that's fair, since I want him to go to work every day, I like having the pay check to take care of bills, and I can sleep whenever Aidan does.

I think it's crazy, and not likely to work for long.

What I want to do is wait until we can pay off the tickets that we have to pay in order to get his O.D.L. re-instated. It's only about $1486, so we should be able to take care of it relatively quickly.

Then he can get a car, and drive himself to work.

It's his choice that he works nights, he told his bosses that he wouldn't take a day schedule no matter what. It would be easier if he did, we would have so much more time together, Aidan would get to see his Dad some times, and I could drive him both ways with out any problems.

I know that walking and hitching to work and home isn't a good situation for him. I wish I could wave a magic wand and get everything taken care of. But I also need to think of myself. I promised myself that I won't let anyone walk all over me any more, not even the people I love.

Aidan is a product of the modern world.

Today Howard found an old Disney "Snow White" book that came with a record with songs from the original sound track. It was published in 1977. It looks like it's in pretty good condition, but has obviously been used. Some writing on the book for example.

Aidan saw it while we were talking about it, and wanted to have it. So we gave it to him and he took the record to the DVD player and wanted to "Watch it, Daddy, please." It was very hard to convince him that you can't play a record on a DVD player. LOL We don't have a record player at all, I might be able to find one at Goodwill or something though. We will see. We hid the book and the record as soon as Aidan was distracted enough to forget about it for a few moments. I hope he doesn't remember it until we can actually play the record, if we ever can.

The ugly blister

On Sunday night I was draining the water off potatoes I wanted to make into mashed potatoes, I have one of those pots with the lid with little holes in it so you can use it to drain things, when somehow boiling water spilled out over the index finger on my left hand. I hurt, but not all that much. I finished making dinner without any more problems. My finger was very red in the area I had scalded. Monday morning I noticed tiny little blisters in the scalded area. By Monday afternoon the tiny blisters had merged into one big blister. It has continued to get bigger a little every day. Now it takes up the whole scaled area. It's really quite an impressive blister, even if I have to say so myself. I don't think I can describe it adequately so here are a couple of pictures.

Ugly isn't it?

I've been advised to let it break on it's own, and then use a burn bandage on it until it's healed. I got 2nd Skin Moist Burn Pads.

Just stuff

I've had this horrible cough for three days, there is a tickle in my throat that starts it. Cough drops, water and other cough/cold medications don't do much to help it. I've coughed so much lately that my throat feels like it's been cut or torn. My diaphragm is sore from the extreme force that these coughing spells sometimes create. I coughed so much the other day it almost made me throw up.

Aidan's nose is still running, and he is coughing too. But I think his cough is because of all the buggers draining down his throat.

Other than that things are going along fairly well around here. Our insurance started on the first, so we can go to the Doctor when ever we need to. I've got to get the correct paperwork to get some assistance for paying the premiums, it's costing us $230 every pay check. The assistance program will pay about 90% for us. This particular program is a State of Oregon things, anyone who lives in Oregon can get this assistance, if they need it to get insurance. It's all based on your income, and family size.

Small problems.

We finally got over the flu or whatever it was. And now I have a head cold. The kind of head cold that makes you whole head feel stuffed with something thick and heavy. My ears feel itchy/tender, and my nose keeps filling up, but isn't runny.

I made an accounting mistake with the checking account and will now have to pay a late fee for the rent. I'm only $40 off, luckily payday is the 9th so I'll be able to get it to them only 4 days late. It's a $50 fee. Next time I'll get the money order for the rent first, then go shopping.

Aidan has an "ouchie" in his mouth. I can't see anything, but it keeps waking him up. I asked if it was his mouth or his teeth, and he was very sure it's his mouth. He won't take anything to help with the pain either. (sigh)

I made cornbread tonight, and somehow got the bottom burned while not quite cooking the center fully. Maybe it's the oven or the pan I used, or I did something else messed up. If you cut off the burnt part it's pretty good though.

Trying something new.

I'm not sure if this is going to work or not. It's just a little something to let me know if anyone is reading here or not. I'm not really concerned about it, it just sounded like fun. But it's turning into more trouble than I thought it would.

Update: I don't think it worked. Oh well, maybe later.

The way things are.

I'm not sure which is worse, having a sick child, or being sick while your child isn't. Aidan was sick on his birthday, a bit listless Thursday and Friday, and then had diarrhea Saturday night after he went to sleep, he woke up screaming because it was burning his skin. Sunday he was back to his normal self. I've been sick since Sunday, and Howard got sick Monday. He recovered faster than I did, just in time to go back to work on Wednesday. I'm feeling better, but still tired and drained. It's been difficult, dealing with an active 4 year old who suddenly became very needy. Keeping him entertained and not screaming in frustration has been a challenge.

Our attempt at stopping the pull ups to potty train went away during this sick time, I just didn't feel up to taking him to the bathroom every 20 minutes, especially not when I was having to go there myself every half an hour or so. Maybe next week.

I've got to get things going with Aidan's school, I have to get him registered in a program the school district will pay for, and then get things worked out for his transportation and the speech assistance he qualifies for. That may have to wait until next week as well.

I also have to start looking for some work, I want to do something. I've been looking at some work from home things, as well as some jobs with the Department of Human Services. Working from him would be good, because I can plan my own schedule, I wouldn't have to spend money on cloths for work, I wouldn't have to pay for the commute, but I might have to get up really early to do it, or stay up really late. Getting a job with the State could be good because it would be pretty stable work, with good benefits. But I'd have to pay for daycare, buy cloths for work, and pay for commuting. I guess I'll apply for jobs in both situations and see what comes of that. Again I'll probably wait for next week to do it though.

Birthday pictures.

Here are a few of the birthday pictures.

Aidan and DJ wearing BK crowns. They informed me that they were both the King. Aidan, however, was the birthday King while DJ was just the King.

Aidan looking at his cake. He touched it, but didn't get any frosting on his finger.

The face of the Thomas cake. I was a little close with the flash.

The cake and most of his presents. The black parts are licorice pieces because black frosting usually tastes weird. The wheels are cookies. It was a white cake with raspberry filling, about 3 layers all together. The face was foil over the top of a cup cake. It worked out well, tasted good and Aidan was very pleased with it.

Happy Birthday Aidan!

It's hard to believe that you are 4 today! It's been an interesting time, full of fun, learning and even some frustration. You are a very sweet boy, you mind us most of the time, but you have a stubborn streak and can throw a fit with the best of them.

This year we moved to Oregon, and you finally got to know your Grammie and Grandaddy. We spent a lot of time in Hood River staying in Grammie's RV, then we went to stay with Snowanna and DJ for awhile. You loved and hated that. You loved having DJ to play with, but hated fighting with him. We thought we had our own place, with David, but that didn't work out. We went to stay with Carol for a couple of weeks, until we found our apartment.

You have grown a lot this year, and learned a lot as well. Your memory is very good, you seem to be a visual learner. You remember details about things you have seen. Some things you have seen only once you will remember weeks later when you see them again. You are starting to talk with us more and more. Conversations are starting to happen more and more often.

It's been wonderful being your Mom. I love to cuddle with you, and build with your blocks. Watching Thomas, or going for walks are a couple of things we like to do.

This coming year things will change a bit. You will be going to pre-school soon, and hopefully I'll find a job I'll be good at and you will be going to daycare. You liked that earlier this year, I hope you will like it as much when you go this time. I'll miss our days together, but I think we both need some time on our own.

I love you very much!
Mom

One last update on our housing situation.

Well, we are finally settled in. It actually only took about 5 hours on Friday. Then I had to sort and put away things. I lost my digital camera, and the pictures we had taken at Picture People before Christmas. There were probably some other things in the box that is missing, but I can't think what. Howard has been working a lot of overtime so we had enough money to get a new camera so we could take pictures of Aidan's birthday.

Aidan's party went well. Mom was with Snowanna and they were late, but it all worked out okay. He had fun, and his cake was wonderful. I'll post pictures later. Unfortunately he is sick today. He threw up twice last night, and was only able to keep some Power aide down with a saltine cracker to nibble. He seems to be getting better as the day progresses, so maybe it was something he ate.

We got our cable and Internet hooked up today. It's been nice, Aidan has been laying around watching TV or his DVD player, and I can finally get caught up on my e-mail. It's funny how dependant we can become on these things. I've felt cut off without my Internet. LOL

Good news, Finally!

We finally have an apartment! We sign the lease and get the keys on Friday. It's a 2 bedroom in West Salem. For those who know, it's on Edgewater next to the Plaid Pantry. The only problem is it's upstairs. It's convenient for Howard to get to work, it's $495 a month, and the laundry room is in the basement in our building which is good. So we will be moving in Friday afternoon. Hooray!

Carol's husband got a call for a job interview out at Spirit Mountain. He will very likely get it, so hopefully he will be working similar hour to Howard. Then when one of us gets a car they will have a carpool. It will work out really well for at least 3 days a week.

We got our tax return today, and bought a new laptop. We also got Aidan a portable DVD player for his birthday. We will get the rest of his presents closer to his birthday. We have enough for a months rent, the deposit and still put some in savings. We are planning a small party for him, probably at Burger King on the 13th. I need to talk to a few people about what time they could come, but I'm thinking it will be after 5PM because of the people who work that day.

It's nice to finally have good news to report here. Thanks for all the well wishes and good thoughts.

Life just gets suckier and suckier.

Okay, so we moved out of the apartment on 12th, and into the mobile home. Just as we are finishing things up, the manager and a police officer come over. I guess the guy has been scamming people, stole a van from his work place, left it at Spirit Mountain, and stole a car from there. And we are NOT able to stay there more than that first night. SO ... We called Carol and are going to stay with her for a little while. I'm looking for some place else to live, and will go up to my parents if all else fails. So ... the guy scammed us of $200, and left us homeless, knowing we have a child, in January.

Things have got to get better sooner or later, don't you think? I can't see how it could get much worse.

Fear and anger related to housing. [Updated]

Well, we have been denied once again. Manny said that it's the same as before. But didn't have the information on the company that gave him this report. He told me he would call as soon as he gets into the office, but he also told me on Monday that he would call me that afternoon and didn't. So I'll wait until this afternoon and call the office and find out. [Update: He never called, and when I called they just said they would have him call when he got in. I'm beginning to think that there wasn't a new background check and he just wants us out. It seems stupid to me, to decide not to rent to us for no real reason, because now they have to pay people to paint, clean, and repair this place. Plus they have at least one other unit that is empty and has been for about a month.] Would you press the issue, it the reasons they state are the reasons they denied us are illegal? How far would you go? Press to stay? Sue them? I'm finally standing up for myself and my family, but I don't want to take it to ridiculous lengths. Know what I mean?

So anyway, I'm not sure what is going to happen as far as our living arrangements go. I still can't get a hold of the Mobile Home Guy, I don't know if he's changed his mind, or what. I guess I'll just have to figure out if the key I have works and if it does we will just rent a truck and get out of here. I really don't want to move there, it's small and in a 55 and older park. They guy we will be living with is 55, and I guess there are situations where under 55's can move in with an over 55 so ... but still I think it will put too much stress on things. But at least it's a place for us to be until we can find someplace else.

Oh, and David is screwing us over as well. He told the landlords that he will be out by Wednesday and just called to have the electric and gas turned off by Monday. It wouldn't have made one bit of difference to him to just let things go until the end of the month. So we don't even have until the end of the month like we thought before. If he hadn't given his notice when he did we might have gotten this apartment, and now he is forcing us out a week earlier than we had to be otherwise. I was planning on giving him some money toward paying the bills and so he could have cash on the trip, but I guess I'll need every penny for moving and stuff. I guess you can't trust anyone any more. [Update: David says that he just didn't think when he gave his notice and when he told them he would be out. He said that he thought they would give us until the end of the month even though the deal was we could be here as until David left. Either this boy is stupid or thinks I am. He has gotten free rent for 2 months, and seems worried about how big the gas and electric bills will be, that's why he called and told them Monday for a cut off. So I guess if you cut everything in half and subtracted what we already paid David owes us about $300. Not that we are ever going to see it, even if we asked him for it. Which we won't.]

So, I'm afraid that we will be homeless soon, angry that just when I thought things would work out for us this kind of thing has to happen, hurt that David doesn't care enough to think about us and waited just a little bit, and pissed off that the Salem Apartments are such asses. [Update: Snowanna is going to drive me over to check the key today. I should know tonight what's going on there at least.] [Update 2: The key fits, so we will be moving in there Monday or Tuesday. I'd rather stay here, but at least we will have someplace to stay for awhile.]

Rant about People and their judgements.

Why is it that people tend to think they know what is best for others? One son thinks the other should be doing "so much more" with his life. If he is happy, and those who are in his life are happy, why does it matter if he could do more? Right now I'm happy being a Stay-at-home-Mom, yes I have a BS degree and COULD be working somewhere, but if we can pay the bills, and are happy, why should I? Why would it matter to anyone else besides those directly affected?

If every conversation you have with someone involves them jumping down your throat over their perception of your feelings, wouldn't you tend to start to feel defensive around them? That person might feel that you were not very nice, because you react defensively and sometimes with anger to their constant prodding. What do people think they will achieve by picking on one little thing someone said, or did? Get over it already! Oh, and if people seem to think you are attacking them or accusing them of things, and it isn't just one person or it's more than one time, you might want to examine the way you say what you say.

It's okay to be honest, but you don't have to be mean. And if you want honesty don't get upset when people tell you things you didn't want to know. No one is perfect, no parent can learn everything in just a few short years. When both parents love a child with every fiber of their being, and their love for each other is just as great, and it's obvious to those watching, don't judge them based on looks, attitude toward others, or beliefs/feelings. A strong, stable, loving family is a rare thing these days, let them be.

Another Housing Update

Well, we have a second chance. Manny, the supervisor at Salem Apartments, came by yesterday and said that he would run our applications again with a company that will do it all with "social security numbers". I guess that some how this company can do things that other company can't. Because it's my understanding that some of the databases don't use Social Security numbers, some are name searches, some are names plus birth date, and some do use Social Security numbers. For example the Evictions data base is a last name search. Most Credit searches are Social Security number searches. So we will see what comes up. He also says that the company will give him a "Yes" or a "No" as to whether or not to rent to us. Something else other screening companies don't do. He told us that if it comes back a "No" that we can stay until the first of the month.

I still haven't heard from the Mobile Home Guy. I don't know if he cheated us or if he got in an accident. So ... we are still in the apartment, I want to stay here, Howard wants to go to the mobile home, Aidan just wants things to calm down and for his parents to stop stressing.

Oh, and it's snowing again!

Our housing woes, revisited.

Several things have happened around here since my last post. David decided to move in with his sister. She is in Michigan or someplace like that. So he gave his 30 day notice, which then prompted the folks at Salem Apartments to call and tell us to be out by Monday.

I talked to Cheryl, the person on the paper saying why we were denied, about it all I made sure to mention that it's illegal to hold dropped and dismissed charges against us, and that I have an almost 4 year old son to take care of. She said that it seems strange that David was leaving at this time, so I explained that he hadn't had a job in a few months and so decided that he needed to be with family. She mentioned that there were a lot of hits on my last name in the eviction database. I reminded her that none of them had my name on them. She agreed but then asked "How do I know that you weren't using another name?" I asked her how did she know I didn't use another last name. She agreed that she couldn't know, and put that aside, I think. She said that things just seemed strange. So I asked her if she would have accepted our application if she had looked at the background check close enough to notice that thing were dropped or dismissed, and if she had looked that the eviction records the way they are intended to be used. She said that she didn't know, but she would talk to her boss about it.

Howard found someone who has a 2 bedroom mobile home he wants to share, and we worked things out to move over there, but the man has been unreachable since 6:30 last night, it's 10:30 AM now. I'm hoping that he had some delays and then went out last night. He was going to pick us up so we could stay there last night, but didn't call. Howard is worried because I paid for the first months rent already. (It's only $200.) So now I'm sitting here wondering where we will be living in a couple of days, worried that I lost $200, and worried that Aidan and I will have to go to Hood River and Howard will end up sleeping in a tent or something and freezing to death.

I guess the need for me to worry and stress hasn't been filled up yet, even though I feel like it's over flowing now. You would think that things would have to start getting better sooner or later wouldn't you? If we move today I won't have Internet for a few days, so I won't be able to let you know about it for a few days, maybe even a week. But if we don't ... I'll probably be back on to let you know what's happening.

Update

Well, we decided to fight things. We have a letter from the manager with all three adults names on it asking when we would be able to pay the rent. Indicating that she knew we were living here, and paying the rent. It might give us a little more time to get things figured out. I'm also trying to find out what they used against us to deny us this apartment. I called the office, they told me to call the company they used to gather the information from. When I called them, they told me that there were some credit things and some things from Howards past, but that they couldn't tell me what the actual thing was because they don't give advice or anything they just give the background check to the landlords. So I called the Management office back and asked them, the person I talked to wasn't the one who decided it so she is sending me the report and the name of the person who did make the decision. I'll probably get it tomorrow or Thursday, then I'll call and talk to that person and find out exactly why. If it's anything from Howards past, those things are over 10 years old and the charges were dismissed or dropped. So they shouldn't be used against him. Best case senario - we get to stay here. Worse case - we get a few more days to figure things out and then have to move. So either way, I'm feeling less stressed. I'm going to call the Housing Authority and see if they have any emergancy housing, because I'm fairly sure that we are going to have to move anyway.

I'm so tired, I didn't sleep well last night. I'll have to go to bed early tonight.

It seems that every time things finally start going well for us, there's another problem that screws it all up. (sigh) Keep good thoughts for us, keep your fingers crossed, pray for us, or whatever you do, we need all the help we can get right now.

Bad day

So much bad stuff happens to us these days it's hard to decide what to do next. Our application for this apartment was denied. I'll have to call tomorrow and find out exactly why. The manager said that it was bad credit, when she talked to David. And now, as of this afternoon, we have a 24 hour notice to leave this apartment. Because we have been here for longer than the 14 days he can have guests. We probably won't be out until the week end, unless my Dad and figure a way to get all our stuff up to Hood River. There are only 2 big things to worry about, the kitchen table and Aidan's bed. They both come apart fairly easily, but the chairs ... may be harder. Other than that it's all just clothing and blankets, and Aidan's toys.

So I don't know what we are going to do. David has to find someone else to help pay the rent. (It's late due to the fact that David doesn't have a job yet, and we had some bills that HAD to be paid with the last paycheck and they wouldn't take a partial payment until the 12th.) So even though we could probably push things until the end of the month, David has probably found someone to pay the rent who will want to move in as soon as possible. Is it so much to ask that my family be allowed to be together? Is it so hard for people to understand that we are finally getting our feet back under us, we have bad credit because of the time we spent without any real work. We are trying to clear that up, but it takes time. I want to scream and cry and hit something. I want to hold my son close to my heart, and watch him with his Father. What am I going to do?

On top of all that, Howard and Aidan were getting on the bus, through the back door, when the bus driver shut the doors. The doors caught Aidans head between them. He has a small bump and a large red area on his forehead where one of the doors squeezed his head. I think he is okay, but I worry. One more worry, one more emotion to deal with.

Feeling better, Sleep, and Aidan's school.

I am feeling better today. Hopefully this time I really am getting better. Howard seems to have caught it though. He, however, gets over these things quicker than I do. And it seems that he usually gets a milder case than I get as well. Which is good, because he is a horrible patient. LOL

I need to figure out how to get Aidan back on a regular sleep schedule. I don't want to listen to the screaming that he will do if I just set a time and put him down. Besides that, we have neighbors and I'd rather not put them through that either. He's loud enough on a regular basis already. He seems to think he should stay up as late a possible. Sometimes falling asleep as late as 1 or 2 AM. He gets up no later than 9, usually it's around 7, but sometimes as early as 4. He will usually sleep at least 4 hours, but has been known to sleep for as much as 12 hours. I think that children his age are supposed to get something like 12 to 13 hours every day. I'd like it if he would sleep 8 to 8.

Monday I'll be calling a couple of Pre-schools about their programs. I want to get him started as soon as possible. Then I need to look for a job and find daycare. I'm looking forward to it, on the one hand, but afraid of it on the other. It's been a while since I worked full time for someone else. When I worked for Jimmy it was really more like working for myself. I want to work, to get out of the house and do something more interesting than watching TV all day. But I'm worried that I won't be up to it. I'll have to spend a few pay checks getting cloths and shoes for work. Depending on where I work of course. Anyway, Aidan will be in Pre-school 2 days a week for 2 hours, and will have speech separately. We will have to work out the speech portion depending on the school I choose and their schedule, Aidan might stay at the school for extra time, go for another day, or go to the office over on Pringle for that portion of it. I know he will love it. He love school, at least he did the 2 days he got to go in Hood River, he loves daycare as well, that lasted for a couple of months in Hood River. So I know that he will do well there, I'll just have to get a job so he can go to daycare. LOL

Sick and getting worse.

I haven't felt this horrible in years. Nothing I do for this stupid head cold seems to work. All I want to do is sleep, but since Howard has to leave for work at 1 PM, and Aidan won't go to bed until around 9PM I have to stay awake. The hardest part is the ear ache, because it causes his shrieks of delight to feel like knives of pain shooting through my ears into my head. The good news is, I think Howard is finally coming to understand that I AM really sick. He will have tomorrow off so maybe he will be able to take care of Aidan and let me sleep. I don't know though, he will be pretty tired himself.

About feeling upset, no car, and the New Year.

Well, today was really something. I'm still feeling sick with this head cold, but needed to go out to pay a bill. We went downtown just fine, Aidan was very good. Then we took a bus out South Commercial to the Wal-Mart where I got a little umbrella stroller. Aidan wanted to ride in it right away, so we went to Rent-A-Center to make the computer payment, it's only about a block and a half from Wal-Mart. All went well there too. The trouble didn't start until I wanted to get on a bus back downtown. Aidan didn't want to get out of the stroller. So we walked, and walked, and walked. Okay, I walked and he rode in the stroller. I think it was about 14 blocks later when Aidan was getting too cold and tired of the stroller. By then we were no longer on a bus route. It was starting to get dark, and only got colder and colder. I walked the next 8 or 9 blocks with Aidan screaming and trying to get out of the stroller. Luckily for both of us he was too tired and angry to think of undoing the little safety belt thing. About 3 blocks from home Aidan suddenly got quiet, so we stopped at a little store and got something to drink and a treat for both of us to share. He's been wonderful ever since. I feel even worse, my right ear hurts, and the scratchy throat is just barely controlled with cough drops at regular intervals.

I talked to Howard on the way home, he sort of tried to convince me he felt bad for me. I was willing to go along with it until he said "Now you know what I go through every day." Huh? He may walk most of the way to work most days, but he doesn't have a preschooler with him. He doesn't have to worry if the little one is getting too cold, if that cough is because of the weather or because he is getting sick, he doesn't have to listen to a young boy scream and wonder if someone will call the police thinking I'm stealing him or hurting him some how, and even if he did he wouldn't have as much to worry about since he is the biological father, and I'm only the step-Mom. I know it's really hard for him, I know he gets cold and tired and it seems like forever just to go couple yards. I wish I could do something to make it easier for him, but it's not the same. I'm not saying it was worse for me, because I didn't have to go all that far.

I don't really want a car right now. It's strange, I've always had a car or something available to get around. I thought I'd feel lost but I really only miss it when I want to get a major grocery shopping done, or wanted to get a large toy for Aidan that couldn't be easily carried on a bus. I have to work on feeling comfortable asking for a ride or saving up money for a taxi or something. I don't miss paying for gas, insurance and the usual up keep. I also need to walk, it will help with the weight loss and I need to get in better shape. (I just don't want to walk as much as I did today, in the cold with Aidan.)

Well, enough feeling sorry for myself. I probably won't post until after New Years Day, so I want to wish you a Happy New Year. I hope you have a good time what ever you do. I'll be home alone, well as alone as I can be with Aidan in the apartment, watching whatever I can find interesting on the tube. No big party for me, but you know what? I'm perfectly happy with that. Peace and love.

Holidays

Happy Solstice! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

To tell you the truth I'm feeling rather disappointed about the Holidays this year. I won't be getting the big family Christmas at Mom's like I'd dreamt about while in California. Howard has to work on Christmas Eve, so we will be home, just the three of us. Well it might be 4 if David doesn't go to his friends house for Christmas. We will have a nice dinner because Howard will have Christmas day off. We will open presents in the morning and watch Aidan play.

For some reason I'm feeling kind of depressed. That is odd for me because I never get depressed, a little down or blue perhaps, but this is more than that. I'm also overly emotional about everything. Maybe it's just the fact that so many things seem to be either going badly or not happening at all.

1) Howard has to walk, hitch-hike and or catch a ride with people he works with, just to get to work.

2) Aidan has started this screaming thing. He screams for no reason at all, or because he didn't get what he wanted, or because I asked him to do something, or because I want him to ask please. He will scream even when he knows he will get in trouble for it.

3) David hasn't found work yet, which means that we have to cover all the rent and most of the bills. He thinks he can get the electric and gas bills taken care of.

4) I'm getting more headaches than I used to. Some of them are migraines, some of them are stress headaches, and some are sinus related.

5) I REALLY wanted this Christmas to be special for Aidan. It's the first one where he will actually understand what is happening. But without a car we didn't get a tree. Mom thought she could get us one, a fake one, for free, but that doesn't look good, and she isn't going to be here until Saturday anyway. No decorations, things cost more than I expected so I couldn't get what I wanted for Aidan, besides I couldn't have gotten it home on the bus.

But I am home at least. I'm back in Oregon where I feel connected. I do get to see my family, and I get to see my friends. Maybe after all this Holiday stuff, and the Aidan's birthday, maybe then I'll feel better.

Someplace to waste some time.

This is a fun way to make snowflakes, without all the paper scraps or the stiff fingers from using the scissors. Snowflakes I hope you enjoy playing around and wasting time as much as I did. LOL

First snow of the year.

I forgot to post these pictures earlier. It snowed here a week or so ago. It didn't last more than a day, but it was pretty and we had a good time.


This was Aidan's first snow ever. He was instantly in love with it. He loved watching it, making snowballs, even the tiny little snowmen I made.



Aidan and Howard went walking in the field behind the apartments. It was still snowing, Aidan was amazed with the falling snowflakes. They got ahead of me so I took this picture of them.

Bits and pieces

Do you know anyone who seems to have very little expression in their voice? Today I was talking to someone like that. I couldn't tell if they were upset that I called, or just didn't have much expression when they talked. I'm hoping that they just don't express themselves very well over the phone.

Aidan got a holiday gift a little early. We were looking for a rug at the Goodwill by the pound store, and he found one of those Fisher Price race car beds. It was only $20! It has all the parts and a Baby Sealy mattress. The only problem is that it's a Toddler bed rather than a Twin, but he is SO in love with it that it's worth it.

I'll be doing the rest of my shopping after the 15th. After we pay the phone bill and the computer payment, the rest of Howard's pay check will be available for gifts. I'm not sure what Aidan will get for DJ. Cars, trucks, planes? Little People things to go with what he got for his birthday? I'm thinking about getting only a few pictures taken at Picture People (They cost a lot, but we get them the same day), and give my parents a frame with them in there, of course some for me too. Mom came out and asked for pictures if we can get them, so I guess that will be best. I want to get something of Snowanna and Craig too, but I'm not sure what. I don't want to get baby stuff, because I think a lot of people will be doing that, maybe they would like some pictures too? Hmmm maybe not ... Gift certificate? I'll think of something. I accept suggestions, if you have any. :)

I think I'm finally getting over this head cold, today I'm not coughing as much and my throat doesn't hurt. It will be great to feel normal again.

A few random thoughts.

I recently noticed that unless people see me throwing up or hear me throwing up they don't seem to understand that I'm sick. I have a horrible head cold, stuffy head, pressure head ache, soar throat,cough, slight fever and general tiredness. I've told Howard that I'm sick, but he still expects me to go out and do the laundry. (It's downstairs and across the parking lot.) I understand that he needs socks, I understand that Aidan needs clean cloths. I need quarters, and the nearest store is a couple of blocks away. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but the cold weather just makes me cough more. Coughing agravates my head ache and soar throat.

I finally have something to show myself that I'm actually looseing weight. Several months ago my Mom gave me a pair of jeans, when I tried them on I could almost button them but not quiet and zipping them was out of the question. Even laying on the bed didn't help. Last week I tried them on again, I finally could button them! Still couldn't quiet get the zipper up though. Yesterday I tried them on again, and I can zip them! I can't eat, or breath very deeply in them, but I can actually wear them! They are 4 sizes smaller than the other jeans I have, luckly I have another pair that are only 1 size bigger than the "skinny" ones, so I'm able to wear jeans that I can breath in but won't fall off if given the right encouragement. LOL

I'm not sure how to address this next issue. Maybe it deserves an entry of it's own, but I'm not sure I want to write about it at all. It's been bugging me for a long time, so I think I'd better get it out so that maybe I can let it go. Here goes: It seems to me that my kids are never given the benefit of the doubt by the rest of the family. Excuses are made for everyone else, but none are ever accepted when it's my kids. For example; Years ago my Neice, about 6 at the time, said that Allen,about 11, held her down in a car and laid on top of her. They both had their cloths on, he didn't touch her except to lay on her, but it was suggested that he had somehow molested her. There was never a question of whether or not she had misunderstood what he said, or why he was doing what he did. It later turned out to be him trying to protect her from some neighborhood bullies. When my brother Mark took Allen to the movies one time, at a drive in, Allen told my Mom that Mark opened his pants and asked him to touch him there. Right away Mom thought that Allen must have been mistaken, he didn't hear Mark right, or he was dreaming. Another example of my kids getting the short end of things happened over Thanksgiving. We had a big dinner at Snowanna's. Almost all of my family were there. (Howard, Christopher, Allen and Xander were not there) DJ was playing on this little foam kiddy couch, Aidan wanted to play too. DJ was told to tell Aidan to get away if he didn't want to play with him. He told Aidan to get away, and Aidan did. Then Aidan climbed up into a chair, DJ must have decided not to let Aidan sit there either because he bit Aidan really hard on his lower back. My Mom said something like "Well, he should leave DJ alone when asked." Jessica was quick to jump to Aidan's defence and said "He did, he got up when DJ told him to and was trying to get in the chair when DJ bit him." My Mom agreed that that was what happened, but didn't say anything to DJ about biting, she didn't comfort Aidan, or in anyway acted as if DJ had done anything wrong. Snowanna was busy, as was Craig, so DJ got away with biting Aidan. Am I being too sensitive? Am I holding on to old resentments that should be forgotten? Any suggestions on how I should handle this kind of thing if it happens in the future?

Happy Birthday Grandson!

My wonderful Grandson has a birthday today. If I remember right he is 8 now. I can't believe that he is already 8, I mean it feels like only a year or two ago he was born. That may be because he lives on the East Coast while I live on the West Coast, I didn't get to see him much over the years, so maybe that's why. Or it could be just the fact that time seems to pass so much faster these days than they used to. Whatever the reason, I want to wish him the best of everything. I wish I could be there to give him a hug and let him know how much he means to me. I'm sure that if his Mom is reading this she will let him know, or let him read it for himself.

Dear Grandson,

Happy Birthday! I hope that your birthday is a good one. I miss you and love you very much. I wish I could be there with you for your birthday, but I just can't make it. Maybe one day I'll be able to come out there, will you show me around? Give your Mom a hug for me okay?

Love,
Grandma.

Feeling yucky

I've been feeling rather ill lately. Stuffy head, soar throat, cough and a slight fever. Yuck! I think I'm getting past the worst of it, because my throat feels just a little ... itchy I guess is the best description. So maybe I'll be better soon.

Being sick has delayed getting some things done. When talking sends you into a coughing fit you don't make many phone calls. I have to call about Aidan getting into pre-school. If I take too much longer I'll have to wait until January to do it. I'd like to have it taken care of as soon as possible. We will see.

Change of plans

Well, we still haven't heard from the people out in West Salem, so we are going to forget about that place and move in with a friend. We will only have to pay about $225 for 1 bedroom, and the whole place is bigger anyway. The only problem is that it's upstairs, but that's going to be okay. We will be sharing the place with Snowanna's ex-boyfriend David. We all get along well, he needs some help in order to stay on his feet, it works out to be a lot less in rent and other costs, and maybe when we need more space (or he wants to be on his own) we will be able to keep the apartment ourselves. It's in South Salem, but not nearly as far South as Snowanna is now. Fairly nice neighborhood, friendly neighbors and did I mention will only cost $225 or so! We will be moving in either tonight or tomorrow. It's kind of funny that he called Snowanna and they talked about this today, because I was thinking the same thing when we drove by there a couple of hours ago. I wasn't feeling very positive about the West Salem place, and was wondering if David would like some room mates. Strange, hmm?

So now I'll be able to get Aidan into a pre-school and daycare, I'll start looking for temp. work, and I can stop stressing over finding a place to live. Plus I get to save about $300 over what I'd pay for a 2 bedroom almost anywhere in Salem. The place we are moving into is $450 which is a little low for the area, but I like it.

Keep your fingers crossed.

I think we found a place, it's only one bedroom but will only cost $385 a month, saving us $200 a month. We will be able to stay there for a couple of years anyway. Then Aidan will need his own space. But until then we will be able to get some things we need, and some of the things we want. Christmas/Solstice will be nice, we will be able to decorate and get a few gifts for family. Still nothing big, because we will be paying off the computer and other bills. I hope that by Aidan's birthday we will be doing well enough to have a good birthday for him. This year he will understand it better than he did last year. The place isn't in a "good" area of West Salem, we are hoping that we will be able to move in a couple of years to a better neighborhood. We already know several of the people who live in the complex. Carol and her husband Thomas live there, and the man who will be the upstairs neighbor already introduced himself and is very friendly. Howard knows 3 or 4 others who live there. There are 12 apartments in the complex, so it's pretty small. I'll post pictures after we move in and get some furniture.

I'm still alive and well.

This will be just a short entry, to let any of you who still check in here know that I'm still around. We are still looking for a place to live. The double wide on 5 acres fell through, and so far we haven't been able to get an apartment. It looks like I will have a car tomorrow, or at least be well on the way to having it. It belongs to Snowanna's boyfriend, and we can have it for the price of the title transfer, tags, and an oil change. :) Anyway, I am hoping that we will have an apartment soon, I'm starting to look seriously at the "Bad" parts of town.

Take care.

Influencial relationships I've had.

Last night, while I couldn't sleep, I was thinking about the various relationships I've had, and how they influenced me. Some made huge impacts on my life and who I am now, while others made smaller/softer impacts.

My first "real" boyfriend was Carlos Rosencrans Jr., he was a Junior at Gadsden High School the year I was a Freshman. He was sweet and made me feel special. My family moved hundreds of miles away during the Winter break that year, and I never saw him again. He probably never thinks of me, if he remembers me at all. But he was important to me.

The first boyfriend to "cheat" on me was Bill Brant. We saw each other for about a year, I wasn't allowed to date yet though so we didn't really get to do much. I had a girl friend, who had just transferred to our school, I can't remember how I knew her before that but I did. Anyway, one day she and I were talking and she started to tell me about her new boyfriend, and mentioned that his name was Bill. We quickly figured out that he was "going" with both of us at the same time. So we gave him a choice, "Her or me." He chose her. No big deal really, he didn't have much ambition or direction in his life, we were headed toward a break up anyway. A few days later, she gave him a box of chocolate chip cookies and broke up with him. He called me and asked if I'd take him back! I didn't, and he discovered that the cookies had ex-lax chocolate in them. From him I learn caution when giving my heart.

There were boys in High School that I liked, some that I had crushes on, and a few that thought I loved. But until I met Don Weber, through the CB radio, I hadn't really dated much. Eventually we started to have sex, the first time in the back seat of a car on a double date! (It was rather ... non-exciting, almost boring) Don and I were married in December 1977, I had just turned 18 that October, and he was just short of 21. The marriage was rocky, and full of emotional and occasionally sexual abuse. But I got my 2 oldest sons out of the deal, and for that I'm grateful. From him I learned that I can take care of myself and be just fine without a man, if I choose to.

Dannan Tavona-Riley was one of my best friends, and helped me through my divorce from Don and eventually we became lovers. We were married about 4 months after my divorce became final. We had some really wonderful times, but he eventually decided that he couldn't handle the tough situations that came up with my kids any more and after 11 years he decided to leave me. From him I learned that "I" have worth, outside of my children. That I'm intelligent, and that even a good thing can end.

This may sound a little slutty to some of you, but I had another relationship while Dannan and I were married. We had an open relationship, we believe in polyamory (loving more than one person at a time) and it had nothing to do with the end of our relationship. Anyway, Jeff Gill was the love that I never really had. I know that I loved him a lot more than he loved me, if he ever really loved me at all. It wasn't just sex either, we spent a lot of time together going to SCA events, people there thought we were married to each other! I enjoyed talking to him, and just being in his company. But eventually he found a woman he wanted to marry. She told me that I was the only woman she worried could mess up their marriage. Things happened, and he decided that his relationship with her was more important. I haven't seen or heard from him in about 4 years, I hope he is happy. From him I learned that love can not conquer all.

Howard McMillen and I have been together since May 1998, when we met and it was lust at first sight. Things grew from there as we spent more and more time together, eventually he officially moved into my apartment with me, and on May 1, 2000 we were married. If you have read my blog for a while you already know some of the how and why of our relationship. So far so good.

Belated birthdays

My brother, Mark, my son, Allen, both just had birthdays. Allen turned 24 on the 4th, and Mark turned 38 on the 7th. Both of them are pretty special people too me. I posted a message on Allen's Myspace account wishing him a Happy Birthday. Mark and his wife, Eileen, came up here for the week-end this week. I hope that both of them know that I love them, and that I think they are wonderful.