Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Belinda and Allen.

Xander with Belinda in the back ground. I'll post some more when I can find the camera.

Everyone went home.

Saturday we all went to Turlock so the kids could play in the park with Cody's kids. I think that Xander had a good time with the kids, Aidan couldn't really keep up with them all the time but he had a good time as well. Then we went to Cody's house and I was able to visit with Kelly and everyone until about 11PM! It was great. But then we had to come home. Allen, Xander and Belinda had to stay at Cody's so that they could go to San Francisco Sunday. I miss them so much. Sunday evening my Mom came down from Cody's and stayed until this morning. Now all I have left is dirty dishes, and a house that feels very empty all of a sudden!

I enjoyed spending time with Xander, we were able to talk some. He is really fun to have around. I wish I lived closer to him so we could spend more time together. I enjoyed Allen and Belinda as well.

Now I have to figure out how to stop feeling so alone! I didn't really realize that I missed my family so much, until they were here.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

They are here!

Allen, Xander and Belinda made it here early this morning. It was about 3:45 AM when the called to get directions. By 4 they were here. They all laid down for a little bit. My Mom, who had driven them down here, slept for almost an hour. Then she went up to my brother Cody's house. Right now Allen and Belinda are still asleep, Xander woke up a little while ago. We are watching Dora the Explorer, because I'm too tired to do anything else with him right now. Maybe I'll get a nap later. Howard is working with his cousin right now, but when he gets back he is planning to fill the ring on the top of the pool with air and fill the pool so that this afternoon the boys can play in the water. I know there will be lots to tell you all about this visit, I'll try to update often.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Things I am not happy about.

Feeling like 95 degrees is a relief from the heat!

BUGS! I can't seem to get rid of the bugs, I've cleaned and sprayed and squashed, and still the ants keep coming! We've had other bugs as well, even the dreaded roaches. (I think we are actually making progress but I've had to resort to bug sprays and unpacking things I didn't want unpacked.)

Terrible two's! Especially because he doesn't talk enough yet to tell me what he wants.

Diapers! We are trying to potty train Aidan, but since he doesn't say "potty" or anything else it's kind of frustrating for all of us, but I hate changing diapers so I have to knuckle down and do it.

Feeling tired so much of the time.

All the aches and pains that go with being older and overweight.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

feel free to repost as a statement against homophobia

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Snagged from Purple Goddess. Who got it from Flidhais

Friday, August 05, 2005

Allen and Aidan updates.

Allen called yesterday, they are in Oregon and doing well. I guess they missed their flight and had to wait 6 hours for another. But everything is fine now. They are planning on leaving to come down here on either the 20th or the 21st. Hooray! I can't wait to see them.

Aidan update: He still calls all animals "Buddy", but he thinks our cats name is "Kitty". He says Buddy strangely too. Something like "Buh-DEE". He reminds me of Allen when he was this age, not the talking specifically, just in general. He will eat a lot on some days, and almost nothing on others. He is thin, but not skinny. He would always rather be outside than inside, no matter how hot, cold, wet, or windy. He hasn't figured out that rules are always rules, he seems to think that it's ok to do something later even though we told him not to before.

Monday, August 01, 2005

August visits.

Allen, Belinda and Xander are going to be in Oregon today! Actually I'm not sure it will be today, or tomorrow, but I like to think it's today. Later this month they will down here for a few days before going back to NYC.

I don't think I've seen Xander for nearly 4 years. I've seen pictures, of course, and I've talked to him on the phone several times over the years. I hope that he won't be too bored while he is here, and that we can figure out enough vegetarian food for everyone to be happy.

I am really worried that things won't be right during their visit. Our house is so small, it's summer and we can't get rid of the bugs. It's going to be hot, I don't know very much about vegetarian cooking, and I don't have much for a 6 year old to do.

I hope that Aidan will not cause too much of a problem, I know that Belinda doesn't want to have any kids, two year olds can be quite a pain for even the most tolerant of people. I haven't met her so I don't know he feelings about kids. She might love them, enjoy playing with them, be tolerant of every little quirk even the worst behaved child can have, but just doesn't feel the desire to have any of her own for her own reasons. Or she could be nervous around kids, quickly irritated by them and grossed out by the thought of grubby little hands touching her. I'm sure that she wouldn't be coming to visit if she really felt the latter, I'm sure that Allen has told her enough about us that she knows how things are around here. But I worry anyway. I want her visit to be good, I want to get to know her and to become friends with her. Especially if she is going to be in my son's life, and the life of my Grandson.

I want Xander to be happy while he is here as well. In fact I'm more worried about how he will feel about Aidan than anyone else. 6 year old boys and 2 year old boys don't have a lot in common. It can be quite annoying when someone keep bothering you, Aidan is good at that. (Oh, and I'm sure Xander won't like being called a baby. That's what Aidan says when he sees kids, to him they are all babies.) From what my Mom and Dad say Xander is a very nice and polite child, so I'm sure that he won't make a big fuss, but I don't want his visit to feel uncomfortable to him.

It will be okay I'm sure. I'm just looking forward to this visit so much! I want everything to be as perfect as possible. (Sigh)

"Everything will be fine. Everything - Will - Be - Fine." Whisper to myself.