Saturday, December 30, 2006

About feeling upset, no car, and the New Year.

Well, today was really something. I'm still feeling sick with this head cold, but needed to go out to pay a bill. We went downtown just fine, Aidan was very good. Then we took a bus out South Commercial to the Wal-Mart where I got a little umbrella stroller. Aidan wanted to ride in it right away, so we went to Rent-A-Center to make the computer payment, it's only about a block and a half from Wal-Mart. All went well there too. The trouble didn't start until I wanted to get on a bus back downtown. Aidan didn't want to get out of the stroller. So we walked, and walked, and walked. Okay, I walked and he rode in the stroller. I think it was about 14 blocks later when Aidan was getting too cold and tired of the stroller. By then we were no longer on a bus route. It was starting to get dark, and only got colder and colder. I walked the next 8 or 9 blocks with Aidan screaming and trying to get out of the stroller. Luckily for both of us he was too tired and angry to think of undoing the little safety belt thing. About 3 blocks from home Aidan suddenly got quiet, so we stopped at a little store and got something to drink and a treat for both of us to share. He's been wonderful ever since. I feel even worse, my right ear hurts, and the scratchy throat is just barely controlled with cough drops at regular intervals.

I talked to Howard on the way home, he sort of tried to convince me he felt bad for me. I was willing to go along with it until he said "Now you know what I go through every day." Huh? He may walk most of the way to work most days, but he doesn't have a preschooler with him. He doesn't have to worry if the little one is getting too cold, if that cough is because of the weather or because he is getting sick, he doesn't have to listen to a young boy scream and wonder if someone will call the police thinking I'm stealing him or hurting him some how, and even if he did he wouldn't have as much to worry about since he is the biological father, and I'm only the step-Mom. I know it's really hard for him, I know he gets cold and tired and it seems like forever just to go couple yards. I wish I could do something to make it easier for him, but it's not the same. I'm not saying it was worse for me, because I didn't have to go all that far.

I don't really want a car right now. It's strange, I've always had a car or something available to get around. I thought I'd feel lost but I really only miss it when I want to get a major grocery shopping done, or wanted to get a large toy for Aidan that couldn't be easily carried on a bus. I have to work on feeling comfortable asking for a ride or saving up money for a taxi or something. I don't miss paying for gas, insurance and the usual up keep. I also need to walk, it will help with the weight loss and I need to get in better shape. (I just don't want to walk as much as I did today, in the cold with Aidan.)

Well, enough feeling sorry for myself. I probably won't post until after New Years Day, so I want to wish you a Happy New Year. I hope you have a good time what ever you do. I'll be home alone, well as alone as I can be with Aidan in the apartment, watching whatever I can find interesting on the tube. No big party for me, but you know what? I'm perfectly happy with that. Peace and love.

Friday, December 22, 2006


Happy Solstice! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

To tell you the truth I'm feeling rather disappointed about the Holidays this year. I won't be getting the big family Christmas at Mom's like I'd dreamt about while in California. Howard has to work on Christmas Eve, so we will be home, just the three of us. Well it might be 4 if David doesn't go to his friends house for Christmas. We will have a nice dinner because Howard will have Christmas day off. We will open presents in the morning and watch Aidan play.

For some reason I'm feeling kind of depressed. That is odd for me because I never get depressed, a little down or blue perhaps, but this is more than that. I'm also overly emotional about everything. Maybe it's just the fact that so many things seem to be either going badly or not happening at all.

1) Howard has to walk, hitch-hike and or catch a ride with people he works with, just to get to work.

2) Aidan has started this screaming thing. He screams for no reason at all, or because he didn't get what he wanted, or because I asked him to do something, or because I want him to ask please. He will scream even when he knows he will get in trouble for it.

3) David hasn't found work yet, which means that we have to cover all the rent and most of the bills. He thinks he can get the electric and gas bills taken care of.

4) I'm getting more headaches than I used to. Some of them are migraines, some of them are stress headaches, and some are sinus related.

5) I REALLY wanted this Christmas to be special for Aidan. It's the first one where he will actually understand what is happening. But without a car we didn't get a tree. Mom thought she could get us one, a fake one, for free, but that doesn't look good, and she isn't going to be here until Saturday anyway. No decorations, things cost more than I expected so I couldn't get what I wanted for Aidan, besides I couldn't have gotten it home on the bus.

But I am home at least. I'm back in Oregon where I feel connected. I do get to see my family, and I get to see my friends. Maybe after all this Holiday stuff, and the Aidan's birthday, maybe then I'll feel better.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Someplace to waste some time.

This is a fun way to make snowflakes, without all the paper scraps or the stiff fingers from using the scissors. Snowflakes I hope you enjoy playing around and wasting time as much as I did. LOL

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

First snow of the year.

I forgot to post these pictures earlier. It snowed here a week or so ago. It didn't last more than a day, but it was pretty and we had a good time.

This was Aidan's first snow ever. He was instantly in love with it. He loved watching it, making snowballs, even the tiny little snowmen I made.

Aidan and Howard went walking in the field behind the apartments. It was still snowing, Aidan was amazed with the falling snowflakes. They got ahead of me so I took this picture of them.

Bits and pieces

Do you know anyone who seems to have very little expression in their voice? Today I was talking to someone like that. I couldn't tell if they were upset that I called, or just didn't have much expression when they talked. I'm hoping that they just don't express themselves very well over the phone.

Aidan got a holiday gift a little early. We were looking for a rug at the Goodwill by the pound store, and he found one of those Fisher Price race car beds. It was only $20! It has all the parts and a Baby Sealy mattress. The only problem is that it's a Toddler bed rather than a Twin, but he is SO in love with it that it's worth it.

I'll be doing the rest of my shopping after the 15th. After we pay the phone bill and the computer payment, the rest of Howard's pay check will be available for gifts. I'm not sure what Aidan will get for DJ. Cars, trucks, planes? Little People things to go with what he got for his birthday? I'm thinking about getting only a few pictures taken at Picture People (They cost a lot, but we get them the same day), and give my parents a frame with them in there, of course some for me too. Mom came out and asked for pictures if we can get them, so I guess that will be best. I want to get something of Snowanna and Craig too, but I'm not sure what. I don't want to get baby stuff, because I think a lot of people will be doing that, maybe they would like some pictures too? Hmmm maybe not ... Gift certificate? I'll think of something. I accept suggestions, if you have any. :)

I think I'm finally getting over this head cold, today I'm not coughing as much and my throat doesn't hurt. It will be great to feel normal again.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

A few random thoughts.

I recently noticed that unless people see me throwing up or hear me throwing up they don't seem to understand that I'm sick. I have a horrible head cold, stuffy head, pressure head ache, soar throat,cough, slight fever and general tiredness. I've told Howard that I'm sick, but he still expects me to go out and do the laundry. (It's downstairs and across the parking lot.) I understand that he needs socks, I understand that Aidan needs clean cloths. I need quarters, and the nearest store is a couple of blocks away. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but the cold weather just makes me cough more. Coughing agravates my head ache and soar throat.

I finally have something to show myself that I'm actually looseing weight. Several months ago my Mom gave me a pair of jeans, when I tried them on I could almost button them but not quiet and zipping them was out of the question. Even laying on the bed didn't help. Last week I tried them on again, I finally could button them! Still couldn't quiet get the zipper up though. Yesterday I tried them on again, and I can zip them! I can't eat, or breath very deeply in them, but I can actually wear them! They are 4 sizes smaller than the other jeans I have, luckly I have another pair that are only 1 size bigger than the "skinny" ones, so I'm able to wear jeans that I can breath in but won't fall off if given the right encouragement. LOL

I'm not sure how to address this next issue. Maybe it deserves an entry of it's own, but I'm not sure I want to write about it at all. It's been bugging me for a long time, so I think I'd better get it out so that maybe I can let it go. Here goes: It seems to me that my kids are never given the benefit of the doubt by the rest of the family. Excuses are made for everyone else, but none are ever accepted when it's my kids. For example; Years ago my Neice, about 6 at the time, said that Allen,about 11, held her down in a car and laid on top of her. They both had their cloths on, he didn't touch her except to lay on her, but it was suggested that he had somehow molested her. There was never a question of whether or not she had misunderstood what he said, or why he was doing what he did. It later turned out to be him trying to protect her from some neighborhood bullies. When my brother Mark took Allen to the movies one time, at a drive in, Allen told my Mom that Mark opened his pants and asked him to touch him there. Right away Mom thought that Allen must have been mistaken, he didn't hear Mark right, or he was dreaming. Another example of my kids getting the short end of things happened over Thanksgiving. We had a big dinner at Snowanna's. Almost all of my family were there. (Howard, Christopher, Allen and Xander were not there) DJ was playing on this little foam kiddy couch, Aidan wanted to play too. DJ was told to tell Aidan to get away if he didn't want to play with him. He told Aidan to get away, and Aidan did. Then Aidan climbed up into a chair, DJ must have decided not to let Aidan sit there either because he bit Aidan really hard on his lower back. My Mom said something like "Well, he should leave DJ alone when asked." Jessica was quick to jump to Aidan's defence and said "He did, he got up when DJ told him to and was trying to get in the chair when DJ bit him." My Mom agreed that that was what happened, but didn't say anything to DJ about biting, she didn't comfort Aidan, or in anyway acted as if DJ had done anything wrong. Snowanna was busy, as was Craig, so DJ got away with biting Aidan. Am I being too sensitive? Am I holding on to old resentments that should be forgotten? Any suggestions on how I should handle this kind of thing if it happens in the future?

Friday, December 01, 2006

Happy Birthday Grandson!

My wonderful Grandson has a birthday today. If I remember right he is 8 now. I can't believe that he is already 8, I mean it feels like only a year or two ago he was born. That may be because he lives on the East Coast while I live on the West Coast, I didn't get to see him much over the years, so maybe that's why. Or it could be just the fact that time seems to pass so much faster these days than they used to. Whatever the reason, I want to wish him the best of everything. I wish I could be there to give him a hug and let him know how much he means to me. I'm sure that if his Mom is reading this she will let him know, or let him read it for himself.

Dear Grandson,

Happy Birthday! I hope that your birthday is a good one. I miss you and love you very much. I wish I could be there with you for your birthday, but I just can't make it. Maybe one day I'll be able to come out there, will you show me around? Give your Mom a hug for me okay?


Feeling yucky

I've been feeling rather ill lately. Stuffy head, soar throat, cough and a slight fever. Yuck! I think I'm getting past the worst of it, because my throat feels just a little ... itchy I guess is the best description. So maybe I'll be better soon.

Being sick has delayed getting some things done. When talking sends you into a coughing fit you don't make many phone calls. I have to call about Aidan getting into pre-school. If I take too much longer I'll have to wait until January to do it. I'd like to have it taken care of as soon as possible. We will see.