Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Suprise, we're moving.

Howard came home Monday night and asked me if we could be ready to move by Friday. I guess a Mobil Home became available in the Park where his cousin lives, it's only $1,800 to buy it. We have $700 right now, and will have another $300 or maybe $400 on the Third, then we will make payments of about $200 for a few months then it's ours. It's not the most beautiful thing in the world, but we can paint it. It has a nice yard though with a good fence so Aidan and his puppy (Buddy) can play out there. Finding boxes to pack in is the hardest part, at this point. I think the new place is about the same size as this place, so I'll have to put things in a storage unit or something. I'm hopeing that we will have a storage shed there soon so that all the things I can't bear to part with, but can't find a place inside the house for, can be safely put away.

I'm such a pack-rat! It's getting better though, I've actually gone through some of our stuff and sorted over half into either Yard sale stuff or garbage. So I guess there is hope for me after all.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Some of my favorite things.

Favorite ...

color: Emerald green, Saphire blue, and fall colors.
icecream flavor: chocolate or peaches and cream
type of book to read: Mystery, Sci-fi, Fantasy and some true crime.
smell: Most florals if very light, bakeing bread, and that "baby smell."

I also love my family, Mom, Dad, Cody, Mark, Christopher, Allen, Xander, Nicole, Howard, Aidan, Kelly, Caleb, Joshua, Jessica, Garrett, Mackenzie, my Aunts and Uncles, cousins and all their kids. Family is important to me, even though we don't seem to keep in touch as often as we should.

My friends, new and old. Jennifer, Megan, Molly, Carol, Marsh, Kat, Myra, Cheryl, Connie, Dannan, Mandy, and all the people in my groups.

I enjoy cooking, bakeing, sewing, crocheting, knitting, beading, reading, watching movies, some tv shows, and the SCA.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Monday Morning Happy thoughts.

Lets see,

Snowanna got married last week. (A good thing I think.)
For once I'm caught up on all my house work.
Xander has wonderful parents.
It's going to be a beautiful day.
We had a nice week end.

A dream

Howard, Aidan and I were on a train, we were on a vacation. The train was old, kind of like the ones that get robbed in old West Movies. When the train stopped, we got off. Then things changed a little, Aidan wasn't there anymore, and Howard and I changed into a Mexican Doctor and Nurse. I think there was a war going on, because there were wounded everywhere. I was trying to help a young man on a platform when I noticed a beautiful woman standing beside me. I knew that I had to keep the young man from looking into her eyes. But I couldn't hold his gaze and he got up and followed her down the street. Other people began to follow them, men, women, and children, but just a few out of the dozens I could see. I turned back to the platform and saw that the young man had died. Then I knew that the beautiful woman was the angel of death. I looked back down the street and saw them comeing back, there were about several more people, includeing a bride holding her veil and the train of her dress over her arm. I knew that they were all dead. Howard was there suddenly (the Mexican Doctor version of him) and I fell into his arms crying. "Dios Mio."

Friday, March 26, 2004


Each of us is different in some way. Some of us have differences that others can see, some of us have differences that are harder to see. I am a 44 year old woman who is over weight, with red hair and green eyes. These are the things that people can see. I am also a mother and grandmother, I like coffee, fantasy, porn, and the color green. My religious beliefs are in transition right now, I have alternate personalities that have been combined (for the most part). Those are some of the things people can't see.

On the outside I look like a normal, fairly conservative, Mother and Grandmother. Calm, cool, and in control of myself. On the inside I'm far from normal, no way am I conservative, and the control I have over myself is mostly for show. On the inside I cry, yell, scream and whine.

I think that human beings are far more similar than we would like to believe we are. On the whole, I feel, humans look for things that are different so that we can group ourselves. "Us" and "Them". We want to belong somewhere, but can't accept that we do belong, to a world wide group called "Human beings". I've often wondered why people want to divide the human race into groups. Not just male and female, but old and young, white, black, brown, red, and yellow, Christian and Pagan. Sometimes I feel like I don't really belong on this world at this time, because so much of what is "normal" behavior for Earth beings seems so ... uncomfortable to me. Why should we care so much as to the sexuality of another person? How can it hurt you to have a neighbor who is transgendered? I don't understand any of it, I try not to judge anyone until I know them personally. I have some amazing friends. Gay, bisexual, transgendered, black, Hispanic, white, male, female, young and old. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I thought I couldn't be friends with someone because of one of those "differences".

Thoughts on my dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I was working at some kind of job that caused me to drive around a lot. I had to go to this house which was being used as an office or something. Except there wasn't any real furniture, a lawn chair and a large box served as office furniture thought it was a waste to use that big house for an office, especially since they didn't even use all of one room and the place was really huge. The outside of the house had a lot of sand around it, no grass or trees. Somehow I felt like I shouldn't be outside, so I went in. There were a few people in the house. Howard was playing with the cell phone, Allen and Christopher's Dad was sitting in the one chair in the room. I needed to sit down but couldn't so I leaned against the wall and watched everyone else. Howard somehow figured out how to make Don's phone play "This Old Man" even though there was no call coming through. (Don is Allen and Christopher's dad.) It was funny to watch him trying to figure out what was happening. In real life my cell phone was ringing and then the house phone rang and I woke up.

I was talking to Howard about my dream from the other night, He thinks that maybe the groupings of people was because I somehow feel the same about the women as I do about the men. So now I need to analyze how I feel about the people I can remember and see if he is right.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Strange things to think about.

I had a strange dream last night. It happened in a house I've drempt of before. I was haveing a party, all the women I knew where there, as I talked to each of them they changed into the men I know. My Mom became my brother Mark, Kelly became my Dad, Nicole became Dannan, Jennifer changed into my brother Cody. I either didn't notice or it seemed normal to me because I didn't worry about it at all. Awake now, I don't know how these people were matched by my mind in that way. None of the conversations were about anything out of the ordenary, for example Nicole was telling me about Xander and how he is doing in school, when she was changeing into Dannan the conversation became more about the school and less about Xander until Dannan was telling me about a school he was thinking of going to work for.

I wonder why some kids remain in the foster care system for years, while others are taken and adopted right away. I've known kids that had parents who were drug addicts, that didn't really care about them, but they were never adopted out, their parents still had parental rights. And then I've known people whose kids are taken away, and within a year they are adopted, their parental rights removed by the courts even though they have expressed the desire to regain their children.

I wonder what a heart attack feels like. I've heard that for women it's differant than it is for men. Can you have a mild heart attack without knowing it?

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

I know ...

... that I should be doing something right now.
... that the laundry needs to be done.
... that I miss my friends.
... that there are people who love me.
... that I need to get more sleep.
... that life goes on.
... that the lilies in the front yard will bloom soon.
... that children grow up.
... that I love many people who probably don't know it.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Random thoughts...

I am feeling strange today, bouncing back and forth between flirtatious and melancholy. Not too deep melancholy, just slightly. If I were writing poetry it would probably be rather dark. Mainly because I don't do bright poetry. LOL Anyway, I've been looking at some interesting blogs lately. Some of them kind of dark. Some of them very happy. Some political, some just normal journaling things. A couple are very sexual, and a few about what sexuality means to them. I'm feeling split, not badly though. Personalities peeking in or something.

Aidan is teething ... but surprised me with a new tooth and no symtoms. Now he has red swollen gums and is kind of whinny. I wish he could tell me what hurts, and that he would let me put baby ambisol on it. Oh well ... we will both live through it.

I feel very lucky that I haven't had some of the problems that some of my friends have had. I've always known who I am, I'm happy inside my body. (Well, it could be alot slimmer, but I'm not too sad about it.) I have someone who loves me very much and lets me be me. I've pulled myself together pretty well.

It's Monday again ...

Positive thoughts for a Monday morning? Hmmm ... Well, the migraine I had yesterday is gone today. It's another sunny day, promising to be very warm. The weatherman is saying that it's going to cool down in the next couple of days. I think I made a new internet friend yesterday. I've discovered some really interesting blogs. I'm working on keeping in touch with my friends. I'm feeling less disconnected from the people who mean the most to me. I"m finially making friends with people here so maybe California will not be too lonely.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Personal choice mets family commitments.

Today my Mother-in-law is haveing a BBQ. It's her birthday. I don't want to go, for 3 reasons. The biggest one is that her son Donny will be there, he's the one that stole the beautiful park bench that my Mother and Grandmother gave me for my college Graduation. We are fairly sure he sold it to buy drugs. I don't want to be anywhere near him. The second one is because I have a migraine today and would rather not out in the sunshine today. The third is actually kind of petty of me, but I can't help it, and that is because she didn't come to get Aidan's birthday, she didn't send a gift, or card and she didn't even call. She also forgot Howard's birthday, as well as mine. I'm feeling rather put out over it. I keep thinking things like "How dare she be mad at me! She didn't care enough to come see her grandson for his FIRST birthday! Why should we care about hers?" I know, I should let it go, I should relax, I should release the negative energy. I know this, I just don't seem to be able to right now.

Should I bite the bullet and go anyway?

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Happier thoughts.

Well today I am feeling much better. I talked to Howard some and he seemed to understand that my feelings were hurt by his words. My friend suggested checking into getting a lawyer to do the adoption pro bono, I'm going to have to figure out how to find such a lawyer. Plus we will have to either find Aidan's bio mother so she can sign over her parental rights, or ask the court to remove them. Since she left here in July and we haven't seen or heard from her in all that time I think we have a case for abandonment. I'd rather not do it that way, because someday Aidan will want to know about her and why she left him with me. I'd like to be able to tell him that while she was good at haveing babies she knew she wouldn't be good a raising them so she gave him to me because she knew I'd love him and take good care of him.

Today was a free dump day over at the fire department here in Atwater. We took over the old shed that was falling apart and a few other odds and ends. It was no big deal until we witnessed a really stupid accident. No one was hurt, but a nice little pick-up was squashed. There was a short line to dump metal of any kind includeing washing machines and other appliances, Pick-ups were directed to back up toward the area they wanted the metal stuff dropped off. Well, while one guy was waiting his turn a woman drove up behind him, basically cutting in line, but he couldn't see her because her truck was a small one and his was loaded to the top. Anyway when he saw the man directing traffic wave to back up, he didn't kow that it was the woman in the little truck who was being waved in and backed up into her. If the woman had been paying attention she would have known that she was cutting in line, and maybe she would have been able to get out of his way, or better yet she could have not gotten in the way in the first place.

Friday, March 19, 2004

I'm really feeling sad today. I'm sure some of it's influenanced by hormones, but the situation with Aidan seems to get worse every minute. Howard wanted to give him a small piece of gum, I said "He cann't have it. He doesn't chew well enough." Howard responded with "Yes he can." Just like that, my opinion and experiance were meaningless. I know that Howard didn't mean it that way, he doesn't know what I've been feeling and how not haveing rights concerning Aidan hurt me yesterday. I know I should talk to him about it, but ... I don't want to worry him or upset him. Anyway everything I've done today has been colored with the sadness I'm feeling. I hope that writeing this will help me get it out of my system. I HATE feeling like this.

In other news, I'm feeling less lonely these days. I've made friends with some of the women in my local Scrapbooking Message group. So I have people to talk to. And I've met, on-line only so far, a wonderful SCA person that I've talked to several times in the last couple of weeks. I've really missed the SCA and I'm hopeing that in the next year or two we can start going again.
I just read this on a blog I was checking out. I thought it was interesting and decided to share it with any of you who might be reading this.
The name of the Blog is "Mypolar" the URL is in case you want to check him out for yourself.

Top twelve reasons homosexual marriage should not be legal:
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Seperate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as seperate marriages for gays and lesbians will.
The Doctors visit was short and to the point. In about a month Aidan will have surgery to bring his left testical down into his scrotum they will put in about 2 stiches to hold it in place and the sew up the incision. He will be sent home as soon as the anisthesia wears off. Hopefully everything will be fine then. I've know that this was going to happen since he was 2 days old, but somehow it suprised me anyway. Does that make since? It also was made clear that I am NOT his mother and I have no rights other than those given to me by Howard. I can not sign papers for medical treatment, and I have no say in any of his treatments. Of Course Howard says that I AM Aidans Mom, and that it's only paperwork. I want to adopt him, so that I do have rights. But until we have more money we can't afford to file the paperwork. It makes me feel so ... useless.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Tomarrow we take Aidan to see the Dr. about his undestended testical. I hope we don't have to do surgery, but he's already 13 months old and it hasn't dropped so chances are it won't do it on it's own. There is an increased risk for testicular cancer in the testical that remains inside the body, so we need to get it down somehow. It worries me. I can't stop worrying about it. I'm sure it will be ok in the end, but he is so little, and any surgery is a Big Deal.

Monday, March 15, 2004

There was just a news break about the man in Fresno who killed 9 people. The Police think that most if not all of them were his children. 7 Of them were children, It makes me very sad to think of those children. To think that their own Dad could kill them. I wonder what caused him to even think of killing his children. Did he think that the world was just too horrible of a place for his dear children? Did he think that with the children gone He could live a better life? Was he crazy? Was it revenge on the mothers? Was it to keep them from being taken from him? I don't know if I really want the answer, the truth of it might be more horrible than anything I could think of.

I think I've been lucky. I was raised very well, with no racist sterio types. I was raised to believe in fairness, and to judge people for who they are and not what they are. Chris and Allen both have proven to me that they feel the same way, with either actions or comments. I am very proud of them. No matter what they do with their lives as far as working goes, they are good men. I know Allen better now than I do Chris, and he is a little better at keeping in touch with me than Chris is. Plus I have people who can tell me thing about Allen if I need to know what he is up to.
It's Monday and I remembered to think of some possitive things!

My niece had a check up and heard her babies heart for the first time. She had an untrasound and says that the baby looks kind of like a jelly-bean. I got the laundry done. We might be moving out of here soon. My family is happy and healthy. Aidan turned 13 months old yesterday. It's sunny and warm today. I love my new shoes.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Today I've been catching up with old friends. I got back into some of my SCA related groups. This morning I was able to check in on Nicoles blog, but this afternoon I can't. It said something like access to this file is forbidden. I wonder if it is related to the fact that her most recent post was there 4 times. I hope she can get it fixed soon. I will miss it until it's back where I can get at it.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I've put off delving into my soul for awhile now. I think I need to take a break and relax some. I don't need to feel emotionally raw all the time. So I'm going to take a rest.

I heard that Christopher is doing ok. He's grown some I guess, and is closer to 6'5" now. But he has a scraggly beard and his hair is very long. He looks unkept, according to my sourse.

My Mom and Dad say that they had a wonderful visit with Allen and Xander. They feel that Allen has grown into a really fine young man. And they commented on how smart Xander is and how wonderful it was to spend time with both of them.

The weather is sunny here today, with temps close to 80, which means that it will be in the 90's in the house. We will have to get insulation in the roof if we get to buy that one mobile home. And a good airconditioner.

I'm tired and stiff, my back hurts and feels locked up from my waist down. My left shoulder hurts somewhat, I'm not sure what I did to it. I think I'm tired because I couldn't turn over in my sleep with out hurting.
I forgot the positive thoughts for Monday. I think my memory is getting shorter all the time. LOL So here goes.

Today is a sunny day. I met someone who is in the SCA and who lives fairly close to us. Splenda and non-dairy creamer have saved my morning coffee. I talked to my Dad for 55 minutes on Sunday afternoon, and my Mom for 50 minutes. My computer is working well, and I have my DSL connection.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

64 questions
[borrowed from the girl who borrowed from an indigo soul]

(1)What is your name?
(2) Are you happy with it?
(3) Are you named after anyone?
(4) Your nickname:
Beck, or sometimes Becky
(5) Your screen name:
Aidan's Mama, Messed up Mama, or Beccarriley
(6) Would you name a child of yours after you?
(7) Then what would you name your children?
My sons are named Christopher Lee, Allen Curtis, and Aidan James
(8) If you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be?
Probably Archie Curtis or some other A.C. name because it's a tradition in my Dad's family.
(9) If you could switch names with a friend, who would it be?
Since I picked my own name I don't think so.
(10) Are there any mispronunciations/typos that people do to your name?
Becka, Beka, and one person called looking for Bessa Riley.
(11) Would you drop your last name if you became famous?
(12) Your gender:
(13) Straight/gay/bi?
Mostly straight, somewhat bi.
(14) Single?
(15) Want to be?
(16) Do you have a crush?
Only on a growing list of TV and Movie stars.
(17) Your birth date:
October 16, 1959
(18) Age you act:
It depends on my mood. Mostly closer to 25 or so, but sometimes as young as 6 or as old as 80.
(19) Age you wish you were:
In my 20's, so I'd have more engergy
(20) Your height:
5’ 5 3/4"
(21) The color of your eyes:
(22) Happy with it?
(23) The color of your hair:
Auborn with some golden blonde highlights and a few white patches as well.
(24) Happy with it?
For the most part.
(25) Left/right/ambidextrous?
(26) Your living arrangement?
Single family dwelling
(27) Your family:
Mom, Dad, 2 brothers, 3 sons, husband, 1 grandson, 3 nieces and 3 nephews, and more in-laws than I'd like to think of.(Plus 2 close friends I feel close enough to to wish were my sisters.)
(28) Have any pets?
A little black puppy
(29) What’s your job?
Stay at home Mom.
(30) Piercings?
3 in each ear lobe, and 1 nose.
(31) Tattoos?
(33) Addictions?
Not really any more.
(33) Obsessions?
(34) Do you collect anything?
Beany Babies, and Cream and sugar sets.
(35) Do you speak another language?
Some spanish, some Irish, and sign language, none fluently.
(36) Have a favorite quote?
(37) Do you have a webpage?
(38) Do you live in the moment?
I try to.
(39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?
(40) Do you have any secrets?
(41) Do you hate yourself?
(42) Do you like your handwriting?.
(43) Do you have any bad habits?
(44) What is the compliment you get most from people?
That I'm a good Mom.
(45) If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?
Second Chances
(46) What’s your biggest fear?
Looseing a child in uncontrolled water.
(47) Can you sing?
No so that anyone other than a baby would want to hear me.
(48) Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?
(49) Are you a loner?
I can be sometimes, but it's usually because I'm afraid to approach others.
(50) What are your most important priorities in life?
My children, and learning how to express my feelings to others.
(51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
(52) Are you a daredevil?
Sometimes, but not often
(53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?
(54) Are you passive or aggressive?
I've been rather passive my whole life, but I'm working on being more aggressive.
(55) Have you got a diary?
Kind of.
(56) One thing you want more than anything in the world:
To be close to the people I love
(58) There are three wells: love, beauty and creativity. You can only drink out of one. Which one do you choose?
(59) How do you vent?
I write letters to those who have upset me, but I never send them. Or I rant to my husband or friends.
(60) Do you think you are emotionally strong?
(61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in your life:
(63) Do you think you are good looking?
I'm not my type, so I can't really say.
(64) Are you confident?

Saturday, March 06, 2004

I'm feeling rather upset with my mother-in-law. She didn't come to Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Aidan's birthday, she had an excuse for each of them, the fact that she allowed her other son to use her car any time he wants even to the point that she feels she has to ask his permission to use HER car being the biggest one. But of course when we say that someone in the family would be happy to go get her, she comes up with some other reason, She's not feeling well, she is expecting a call, or on Aidan's birthday no one told her about it! I may not be able to do anything much for Xanderon his birthday, but I do know when it is. I can't wait to have the money to buy a ticket to go see him, and I'd love to be able to send him all the things he deserves. I DO forget to send cards, but I try to call at least the first Weekend day after his birthday if I can. I guess having personal problem with her helps with the anger I feel. Besides she lives just 5 minutes from here! I need to let it go, I need to stop feeling hurt over what I feel are her intentional avoidance of the family here. Her other son, Donny, and I have a problem because he stole the bench my Mother gave me for my College Graduation. He denys it, but since it was locked-up in storage and besides us he was the only one with a key I can't believe him. We let some of the past things go when he moved down here, and took him in when he needed it. He pays us back by stealing from us. Donny lives with his Mom, so I think she stays away from us because of him. She acts like we are the ones that did something wrong, she keeps it secret when she calls us, or when we call her. I want Aidan and Howard to be able to have her in their lives, she is Howards Mom and Aidan's grandmother. Sometimes I feel like she still doubts that Aidan is Howards child.

I have to release it, I have to relax, I have to let it all go and take care of myself, and my family. Oh well, I'll get over it, eventually.

Friday, March 05, 2004

A few days ago I was shopping for shoes, for Aidan and for me. I found the ones I wanted for him fairly quickly. It took longer to decide on mine. I found 3 pairs that reminded me of Nicole because they are the kind of shoes she wore 6 or 7 years agon when she still lived in Oregon. I thought of getting some sneakers, I found some cute shoes I could wear with dresses or pants, but I finally decided on one of the pairs that reminded me of Nicole. Partly because of that connection, but mostly because I really like them. Today I started to wonder how often my friends likes and dislikes change my own tastes. I don't remember ever likeing something I used to dislike, and having a friend that likes it at the same time. But my friends have introduced me to many things I might not have tried or noticed before they showed them to me. I hope I've been able to add to my friends enjoyment of life, by showing them things I enjoy.
When I started this blog, I was in a strange mood. I'm not sure I can discribe it fully, but it involved sadness, lonelyness, self-evaluation, fear, and a desire to let go of painful things. My mood has changes a little, partly because I'm actually reconnecting with some of my friends. I want to go home! By home I mean Oregon. I don't like California, some of the people are great, but the weather is too warm and dry for me, we happened to land in a very strongly Christian area, which makes me feel lonely because I am still Wiccan (though that is going through some changes as well), and nothing seems to be much better than it was in Oregon. We thought that we would have a better chance here, but except for the help of Howards family it's the same thing, only now I'm lonely as well.

People in my life keep supriseing me. My parents, for example, have completely accepted Aidan as one of their Grandchildren. I had feared that they would be reserved because of the way he came into my life. I'm very happy to say I was wrong. This makes me happy, because Aidan is such a great little boy and he deserves all the love he can get.
Yesterday was Howard's birthday. We were lucky enough to have recieved a tax return check the day before and so we spent most of the day shopping. We got a DVD drive (write and rewriteable) and a new video card. We got Aidan so new cloths, a fire truck filled with Mega Blocks, and a Little Touch LeapPad. The money disappeared too fast! lol But we had a nice day. I didn't tell anyone here that it was his birthday, because he didn't want anyone to remember. But this morning I told Jimmy so Howard will get a suprise at lunch! LOL

I am very happy to hear from Jennifer again. It's been so long, and I think I lost her e-mail address or the one I have is old. But it was wonderful to hear from her, I'm going to put a real effort into keeping in touch with her and Nicole. I need my friends.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Hmmm, I just came across a website about being positive. Today isn't a Monday which is the day they suggest you think of something positive, but I have to start somewhere.

I have a wonderful Husband who lets me be myself, even when I'm crazy.
My sons are all handsome, loveing boys (Men).
I have 3 sons!
Today is a sunny day.
I am in good health.
I am rediscovering my spirituality.
I'm starting to feel creative again.
I hope to reconnect with my friends.
I have hope.
Today started out really good. I got up quickly and was able to make breakfast before taking Howard to his classes. Lately I've just laid around until 7 and then have to hurry to get Aidan ready to leave. We had plenty of time to eat and relax before we had to leave. But after I dropped Howard off thing went a little haywire. The truck I'm driving now has a gas gauge that does not work correctly. It read that I had 1/8 of a tank of gas, and then the truck started to sputter and then it died. I have to remember that the gauge is off. It took an hour for help to get to me, and by then Aidan was screaming and crying because he was tired and needed to get home for a nap. (One cute thing happened during the wait though, a police woman stopped to check on us. Aidan loves to flirt with women, any size, shape, color or age. And he turned on the charm full blast for this police officer. She gave him a teddy bear, he promptly gave the bear a kiss and a bit hug, completely melting her heart. Not that she was hard or cold, but you could see the differance.) I hope the rest of the day goes along easier.

I am trying to work on some things about myself. I'm getting better at not letting people walk all over me, it's hard though. It's part of the whole don't rock the boat thing. I'm sure that not being able to express my true emotions, not being able to be mad, or sad, or to disagree strongly with others is also related to that. But there is more to it than that, I'm still looking for the root. Because it's easier to fix a problem when you know why you have it. There are other things I'm interested in finding the root cause for. My problem with haveing my arms pinned to my side, for example. It's a real fear, I panic strongly. There are other strange reactions I have to things that shouldn't be. I hope I can find the reasons so I can work on getting rid of the behaviors or reactions. I have Howard to thank for the beginnings of this, I have always felt able to break down with him. I don't feel I have to be strong for him. It's wonderful to be able to be myself with someone. I've spent most of my life hiding my true self from everyone, at least one aspect of myself. It's odd that here, in California, where I feel even more pressure to hide, I'm working on opening up some. I think there will always be things I don't feel comfortable shareing with some people. For example, my religion, the concervitive Christian folks I know will never see that side of me.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

I copied this off of a Friends Blog. I hope she doesn't mind.

Gold or Silver..................Silver
Beatles or Elvis................Beatles
Dark or Milk chocolate......Milk chocolate
Volkswagen or Honda......Volkswagen
Star Wars or Star Trek....Star Wars
Cards or Dice..................Cards
Madonna or Brittney........Madonna
left or right.....................Right
beer or wine....................Wine, if I could have it.

I think I need to say I'm sorry to Allen and Christopher. I don't think I was a very good Mom to them, I was distracted alot of the time. I love them completely, and I did then too, but I didn't know how to be a Mom. I think this time things will be differant. I know that I spend more time talking to, reading to, playing with Aidan than I did with either of them. Perhaps it's just because I'm older now, perhaps it's because I have had some experiance with mothering now. I'm not sure why, but I think I'm a better Mom now. Any way, they both turned out O-kay so I guess I didn't hurt them.

A begining

It's interesting how much has changed in my life in just a year and, almost, a half. Back then I was a childless 42 year old woman, well not exactly childless but without children in the house. I was babysitting a wonderful little boy for his equally wonderful mother. I was happily going about my life in a town I'd lived in for 15 years. I had a few really good friends and several additional "kids". Now I'm a stay at home mom of a one year old little boy, a boy that I love as if he were my own flesh and blood but who isn't really mine. I hope I can adopt him someday. I no longer live in my comfortable town, and I have no friends around me. All the "kids" are still back in that town and I no longer hear from most of them. Sometimes I feel very alone. I miss Elijah and Jennifer, Nicole and Xander, Allen, Chris, Megan, Molly, Gina, Mikey and Sara.

I feel like I'm getting a second chance at some parts of my life. I'm a new Mom again, and it feels almost like the first time. I'm in wonder at how perfect this little one is. My heart is filled with love for him, like it was with Allen and Chris. It's wonderful when people comment on how cute he is, and how much he looks like me. I'm sure you can guess at how that makes me smile.

I need to make a new start with my brother Cody as well. He is a grown man, a great father, and a loving husband. And I hardly know him. I wish I still had my car so I could go to visit him more often. He lives only about an hour away, and I've been to see him 5 times since I've been in California. 2 of those times were for kids parties, and one was the day we arrived in his town.

I also need to figure out how to find some new friends. It's hard when you don't have a car to get anywhere, have a baby, and don't have a job or classes in which to meet new people. I kind of know my neighbors, but it's that "Hello, how are you?" "How's the baby?" "How's the Puppy?" kind of relationship. I've never been able to open up to people unless they open up first. I'm afraid. Afraid they might judge me. Afraid that if they knew some of the more important aspects of my life, religion, sexuality, or political leanings, they would dislike me, maybe even hate me. Afraid that some of them may be crazy enough to even want to hurt me. I've been this way for so long I don't know how to change it.