Friday, April 29, 2005

Understanding, or lack there of.

I sometimes feel that I don't really belong on this planet. I don't understand the things people do, some of their emotions, or the way they think. For example, I can not understand prejudice in any form. I don't understand why people think they have a right to force other people to be what they think they should be. Even when they use their religion as the reason, like some people do to justify homophobia, it doesn't make sense to me. I could be wrong, but aren't Christians supposed to refrain from judging others? Isn't that their God's job? And yet they use their religion, which apparently says that homosexuality is wrong, to justify making homosexuals into second class citizens, they use it as an excuse to hurt them. They judge them to be immoral and so they are able to justify abuse. Sometimes they don't even see it as abuse. I just don't understand. If you believe in God, the way I think Christians are supposed to, and you judge the lives of others as immoral, and force them to live the way you think they should, or at least make sure they have fewer rights than you do, aren't you committing an even greater sin by believing that you can do God's job for him?

A lesser thing I have a problem understanding is jealousy. Wanting what someone else has to the extent that you want to take it from them is very strange. Worrying about the time someone spends with someone else just seems a waste of time. I might want to have something you have, but I don't want to take yours, I just want on like it. I may want to spend more time with someone, but not in a way that keeps them from someone else.

My (early) Anniversary gift.

My anniversary isn't until Sunday, it will be 5 years since Howard and I got married, 7 since we met. It's been an interesting time that's for sure! But I've been happier, over all, than I have been since I was a child. Oh, there have been arguments. Real screaming and crying "discussions", but that's because there is so much passion in our relationship. The calm, happy, loving, sexy, caring, supportive times have been my more common than the angry, screaming, crying times have been.

Last night Howard came home a little late. He had been working with Jimmy for 3 days, 14 to 15 hours a day. He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands. I did, and I was presented with a large box. When I opened my eyes I saw my present. It's HP PCS 1610 All-In-One, printer, scanner and copier. I've been looking at them for awhile now. We needed a new scanner, since our old one is so old that we couldn't find drivers for it. (Finally Howard did find a website that had some old drivers on it, but the only ones that he could find only work with Windows 95) There are 2 big boxes of pictures that Howard's Mom had that I've promised to scan and burn to disk for the family, so this will help with that. However, the best part is that I can print pictures, and scan my old pictures of Christopher and Allen, even pictures of when I was a kid. I was very surprised, and very pleased. Today I'm planning on spending most of the day playing with my new "gadget".

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tired and sleepy.

Aidan has decided that no one can sleep-in in the morning. After he has his breakfast anyone still in bed will be treated with him saying "Wake up!" in that high pitched screaming voice that is seems only small children can produce. If he can get into the room, he will crawl into bed with the sleeping person, lay down, and then yell "wake up!". I've been feeling slightly ill the last few days, achy head, stuffy nose, stomach problems, but luckily not a fever or throwing up. Which just means that I'm not sleeping as well as I could. So I'm a little sleepy today.

Several days ago we went to Lowes Home Improvement Warehouse, because Howard wanted to put in an application. While there I looked at the paint department and picked out paint chips of the colors I want to paint Aidan's room. I found a red that was in the discounted bin, it isn't the color of red I want for Aidan's bed, but it only cost $5 which is about a 75% discount. So I got it anyway. I painted the faces of the cupboards in the kitchen and the doors (Which need another coat) And will probably paint the front and doors on the lower cupboards as well. If I have enough paint I just might paint the one wall that is bare as well. I will need to get Howard to hang the doors on the cupboards as soon as the next coat is dry, so that they don't get damaged. That helped with the urge to be creative, but I over did it and ended up with really stressed muscles in my arms and back. I am very out of shape, and the bursitis in my elbows and shoulders just caused even more problems. I'll just have to take it easy when I get the time to finish. Painting with a 2 year old around is not an easy thing. He doesn't take naps most of the time any more, so I have to do things like that on the rare occasions he does take one, or after he is in bed in the evening. I need to make sure that I actually do get it finished. I have this horrible habit of not finishing projects like this unless there is a deadline or some other pressure to get it finished.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

This is what happens when it's hot and the hose gets turned on.


Aidan's legs and feet while playing with the hose. I'm kind of silly, I know. Posted by Hello

Pretending to drink from the hose. His mouth never got any closer that this. But he said " Ahhh!" When he was done.Posted by Hello

Daddy's favorite picture. Posted by Hello

Playing with the hose. Learning what happens when you stick your thumb into the end of the hose. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

It's scary what you can find on-line.

This is too weird! I finally did find a listing for myself, but it's an old address, and an old last name. I looked up both of my ex's. I know for sure that I found Dannan, but I'm not sure which if any are Don. I also found my parents. My Dad has lived in the same house for years, so the listing I found for him is current, you can even get a satellite picture of the area he lives in. My Mom is listed at 2 old addresses. She lives with Dad now though. I'm going back to look for other people, some of them I'll tell about this so they can remove themselves from the list, even though that might not do much good. I was directed to this site by The Zero Boss.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Another, My child is a slow talker post.

According to the Doctor and all the literature I can find about when children should start talking, how much they should be saying at what age, Aidan falls within the average range. At the later end of it, but still average. However, compared to the kids we know that are his age, he seems to be pretty far behind. These other kids say complete sentences that are easy to understand. Aidan does say a few sentences, such as "Here you go." and "I see baby." He says Hi, up, down, kitty, bite, baby, hello, one, two, three, bye-bye, excuse me, and thank-you. He uses them all correctly, except for baby which he uses to describe other children or pets. He knows which way is up and which way is down. He counts one, two, three. He knows that letters are what you read and write. (He will point at the letters in a book or on a paper I'm writing on and says A, B, C.) He has been whispering since he was 16 months old.

Maybe he has just been focusing on other things, like learning how to climb and sleeping in a big boy bed. He is still bigger than average for his age, in the 75 th percentile. He understands almost everything we say to him. He usually follows directions, with 2 or 3 parts to them. He is very loving to us and to our pets. His favorite people outside of our little nuclear family are Howards cousin Jim and his wife Buna. We decided to call Jim "Uncle Jimmy" and Buna "Aunt Buna" as a respect kind of thing, like southern family's do with adult friends. He knows who they are when we talk about them. I don't know, maybe I'm just overly worried. Maybe I should just relax, don't try to push him or anything, I just keep talking to him about things, using the same simple words for things every time. I hope that by modeling the words he will learn them like he has learned to say "Excuse me." when he burps, and "Thank-you." when someone gives him something. Am I over concerned?

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Social awareness.

I've been thinking about something Allen said when he was here in November. He mentioned that he remembered growing up being aware of social issues, having opinions and beliefs about them. And now he is active in his support of those issues he feels strongly about. He said that he had told someone that he had been raised socially aware, but not socially active. I've been think about that off and on ever since.

I remember worrying about how other people thought about me. I didn't want to do anything that would make me un-likeable. I was also very aware of my parents and I always tried not to disappoint them. I didn't want them to be upset with me. So I didn't do anything about the social issues that might get me into trouble. Later, when I grew up, I had kids that I felt I needed to protect and care for. I thought that I needed to make sure that I was never taken from them because of something I did. So no protests for me. Allen probably didn't know about the letter writing and phone calling I did, or the boycotts I participated in. But I felt that I just couldn't risk loosing my kids, I couldn't imagine how they would be raised if their dad got custody.

Even later, once they were grown, I got more involved in things. But by then I'd lost contact and didn't know what was going on. Oh, and living in Salem Oregon doesn't exactly present many opportunities, and my budget has always been rather tight so going out of town wasn't an option. You would think that now that I'm in California, there would be more things to be involved in, but it seems I've landed in the middle of the most conservative part of California. I'd have to drive 2 hours to get anywhere of interest. My budget is still tight so I'm kind of stuck.

My attitude has changed, however. I feel supported by Howard, and I think that he would support me in anything I would want to do, even if he didn't feel the same way. I know that Aidan would be safe even if I got arrested, so if I ever happened to get the money and knew about something I wanted to give my support to, I could do anything I felt was appropriate. I'm still worried about Aidan and Allen and Christopher, and how my actions will effect them. I'm just less afraid now. Partly because Allen and Christopher are grown up and their Dad can't mess them up, and partly because I think I finally feel that I can be myself and that's ok.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Illness and creativity.

Things have been very strange, health wise, for me the last few of days. I didn't feel well on Monday, but I was feeling a lot better on Tuesday. Wednesday I was sick again, but Thursday I was only a little sleepy. Today I'm feeling yucky again. One good thing about this on and off sickness, I have been able to keep the house in fairly good order. It always looks messy, because of all the stuff we have. However, usually when I get sick the whole place goes to pot in just a day or two. Piles of dishes, Aidan's toys all over the floor, dirty cloths almost every where. Not to mention the dirt that tends to get tracked in everyday. Yesterday I was able to get all the dishes washed, sweep the living room and kitchen, and get all the dirty cloths into the hampers. So today I can just lay around and relax.

I'm feeling the need to be creative again. Now all I have to do find something to do. Maybe I'll check out the beading supplies I have and see if there are enough beads in enough colors to make a project. Or maybe I'll try my hand at drawing again. Whatever I do it will have to involve the supplies I already have because right now I can't afford to get new stuff.

Monday, April 11, 2005

The past comes back to bite you in the seat.

Why is it that the past can not remain in the past? If, for nearly 7 years, someone works hard to clean up their life, to stay out of trouble, wouldn't you expect that person to get a break? What if the "crimes" that appear on the background report were either driving related, such as driving with out insurance, and driving while suspended, and a dismissed misdemeanor? Wouldn't you expect that person to be able to get a job? Would a warrant for non payment of fines cause you to not hire someone? Well Cingular Wireless took Howard's background check and decided not to hire him, they didn't call but just told him when he reported for his first day. They say that it's because of the warrant, and that he didn't tell them everything on his record. They also told him that they were looking for felonys. He only has a couple of misdemeanor offences, one of which was dismissed. I don't understand why they couldn't call us before today. I'm pissed off that things that happened over 7 years ago are being used against him, and I'm so sad that Howard feels that no matter how hard he tries it doesn't matter. If not for Aidan, I think he would slip back into the drinking everyday, back to the wild party guy he was before he met me.

I am hoping that we can get the warrant lifted, and pay the fines a little at a time. Our budget can't take much right now, but I'm thinking we can come up with $25 a month at least for a little while. It will take 3 years at that rate, but maybe he can get a job and we can make bigger payments. I think that the background check only goes back about 7 or maybe 8 years. In which case, in a few months everything except for a few driving while suspended will be off. I hope that with the warrant lifted, and the old misdemeanors off the public record he will have a better chance of getting a job. He wants so much to be a responsible Daddy with a decent job to support his son. It's truly amazing how much Aidan has changed Howard's world view. I have heard that Howard changed quite a bit after he met me as well. So now he has a reason to be good, and he feels that no matter what he does he can not get ahead. I wish that there was something I could do to help him feel better. I'm feeling really helpless, distressed, sad, and I'm worried about Howard. I don't think he will do anything wrong, but he might get a little depressed.

Ok, I've rambled on enough for now. I needed to get it all out, thanks.

Thursday, April 07, 2005