Monday, March 07, 2005

Saddness, anger and guilt.

Today I'm feeling, guilty, sad, frustrated, and stressed in turns. Early yesterday morning my Mother-in-law passed away. It seems that she stopped taking her medication for her liver just after she came home from a trip with her church choir at Christmas. We don't know why she stopped taking it, or wasn't taking it correctly. She knew that if she needed it, and couldn't pay for it, someone would get it for her. Part of me thinks she did it to get sick so that she could guilt her sons into a reconciliation. I really hope that isn't what happened.

We talked to the funeral home today. It was decided to have her cremated so that someone could take her to Oregon and bury her ashes with her husband. The Memorial will be on Thursday at her church, the final arrangements haven't been made yet but it will probably be around 11 AM or so, with a BBQ at Donny's afterward for the family.

Part of me is relieved that we won't have to deal with her any more. She was not an easy person to know. I feel very guilty for feeling that way. I'm sad that Howard has lost his Mother and that Aidan has lost his Grandma. I'm stressed and frustrated with all the details and the interpersonal relations in this family. I'll be glad when it's all over so that we can get back to normal, what ever that is. I feel guilty for that too. I'm angry that she died the way she did, because Howard feels guilty about it.

Thank you, everyone, for being here for me.


Anonymous said...

Try to limit your guilt to just a few minutes and then move on. Notice it, touch it, and let it go.

I love you. Call me if you need me.

the girl

Messed up Mama said...

Thank you, I will. I'm feeling much better today about all of this. I think it has something to do with the "Don't speak ill of the dead." kind of thing we have all heard. I just extended it to my thoughts and feelings, both past and present.

Just knowing you are there helps me deal with it much easier.