Friday, December 22, 2006


Happy Solstice! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

To tell you the truth I'm feeling rather disappointed about the Holidays this year. I won't be getting the big family Christmas at Mom's like I'd dreamt about while in California. Howard has to work on Christmas Eve, so we will be home, just the three of us. Well it might be 4 if David doesn't go to his friends house for Christmas. We will have a nice dinner because Howard will have Christmas day off. We will open presents in the morning and watch Aidan play.

For some reason I'm feeling kind of depressed. That is odd for me because I never get depressed, a little down or blue perhaps, but this is more than that. I'm also overly emotional about everything. Maybe it's just the fact that so many things seem to be either going badly or not happening at all.

1) Howard has to walk, hitch-hike and or catch a ride with people he works with, just to get to work.

2) Aidan has started this screaming thing. He screams for no reason at all, or because he didn't get what he wanted, or because I asked him to do something, or because I want him to ask please. He will scream even when he knows he will get in trouble for it.

3) David hasn't found work yet, which means that we have to cover all the rent and most of the bills. He thinks he can get the electric and gas bills taken care of.

4) I'm getting more headaches than I used to. Some of them are migraines, some of them are stress headaches, and some are sinus related.

5) I REALLY wanted this Christmas to be special for Aidan. It's the first one where he will actually understand what is happening. But without a car we didn't get a tree. Mom thought she could get us one, a fake one, for free, but that doesn't look good, and she isn't going to be here until Saturday anyway. No decorations, things cost more than I expected so I couldn't get what I wanted for Aidan, besides I couldn't have gotten it home on the bus.

But I am home at least. I'm back in Oregon where I feel connected. I do get to see my family, and I get to see my friends. Maybe after all this Holiday stuff, and the Aidan's birthday, maybe then I'll feel better.


Anonymous said...

...he doesn't have to listen to a young boy scream and wonder if someone will call the police thinking I'm stealing him or hurting him some how, and even if he did he wouldn't have as much to worry about since he is the biological father, and I'm only the step-Mom.

You know more than anyone that sperm and egg have nothing to do with being a parent. Aidan is safe with you. Everything will turn out just as it should.

nic' the girl

Messed up Mama said...

Thanks, I really needed to hear that right now. I know it, in my heart, but I sometimes doubt myself.