Understanding, or lack there of.

I sometimes feel that I don't really belong on this planet. I don't understand the things people do, some of their emotions, or the way they think. For example, I can not understand prejudice in any form. I don't understand why people think they have a right to force other people to be what they think they should be. Even when they use their religion as the reason, like some people do to justify homophobia, it doesn't make sense to me. I could be wrong, but aren't Christians supposed to refrain from judging others? Isn't that their God's job? And yet they use their religion, which apparently says that homosexuality is wrong, to justify making homosexuals into second class citizens, they use it as an excuse to hurt them. They judge them to be immoral and so they are able to justify abuse. Sometimes they don't even see it as abuse. I just don't understand. If you believe in God, the way I think Christians are supposed to, and you judge the lives of others as immoral, and force them to live the way you think they should, or at least make sure they have fewer rights than you do, aren't you committing an even greater sin by believing that you can do God's job for him?

A lesser thing I have a problem understanding is jealousy. Wanting what someone else has to the extent that you want to take it from them is very strange. Worrying about the time someone spends with someone else just seems a waste of time. I might want to have something you have, but I don't want to take yours, I just want on like it. I may want to spend more time with someone, but not in a way that keeps them from someone else.

My (early) Anniversary gift.

My anniversary isn't until Sunday, it will be 5 years since Howard and I got married, 7 since we met. It's been an interesting time that's for sure! But I've been happier, over all, than I have been since I was a child. Oh, there have been arguments. Real screaming and crying "discussions", but that's because there is so much passion in our relationship. The calm, happy, loving, sexy, caring, supportive times have been my more common than the angry, screaming, crying times have been.

Last night Howard came home a little late. He had been working with Jimmy for 3 days, 14 to 15 hours a day. He told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands. I did, and I was presented with a large box. When I opened my eyes I saw my present. It's HP PCS 1610 All-In-One, printer, scanner and copier. I've been looking at them for awhile now. We needed a new scanner, since our old one is so old that we couldn't find drivers for it. (Finally Howard did find a website that had some old drivers on it, but the only ones that he could find only work with Windows 95) There are 2 big boxes of pictures that Howard's Mom had that I've promised to scan and burn to disk for the family, so this will help with that. However, the best part is that I can print pictures, and scan my old pictures of Christopher and Allen, even pictures of when I was a kid. I was very surprised, and very pleased. Today I'm planning on spending most of the day playing with my new "gadget".

Tired and sleepy.

Aidan has decided that no one can sleep-in in the morning. After he has his breakfast anyone still in bed will be treated with him saying "Wake up!" in that high pitched screaming voice that is seems only small children can produce. If he can get into the room, he will crawl into bed with the sleeping person, lay down, and then yell "wake up!". I've been feeling slightly ill the last few days, achy head, stuffy nose, stomach problems, but luckily not a fever or throwing up. Which just means that I'm not sleeping as well as I could. So I'm a little sleepy today.

Several days ago we went to Lowes Home Improvement Warehouse, because Howard wanted to put in an application. While there I looked at the paint department and picked out paint chips of the colors I want to paint Aidan's room. I found a red that was in the discounted bin, it isn't the color of red I want for Aidan's bed, but it only cost $5 which is about a 75% discount. So I got it anyway. I painted the faces of the cupboards in the kitchen and the doors (Which need another coat) And will probably paint the front and doors on the lower cupboards as well. If I have enough paint I just might paint the one wall that is bare as well. I will need to get Howard to hang the doors on the cupboards as soon as the next coat is dry, so that they don't get damaged. That helped with the urge to be creative, but I over did it and ended up with really stressed muscles in my arms and back. I am very out of shape, and the bursitis in my elbows and shoulders just caused even more problems. I'll just have to take it easy when I get the time to finish. Painting with a 2 year old around is not an easy thing. He doesn't take naps most of the time any more, so I have to do things like that on the rare occasions he does take one, or after he is in bed in the evening. I need to make sure that I actually do get it finished. I have this horrible habit of not finishing projects like this unless there is a deadline or some other pressure to get it finished.

This is what happens when it's hot and the hose gets turned on.

Aidan's legs and feet while playing with the hose. I'm kind of silly, I know.

Pretending to drink from the hose. His mouth never got any closer that this. But he said " Ahhh!" When he was done.

Daddy's favorite picture. 

Playing with the hose. Learning what happens when you stick your thumb into the end of the hose. 

It's scary what you can find on-line.

This is too weird! I finally did find a listing for myself, but it's an old address, and an old last name. I looked up both of my ex's. I know for sure that I found Dannan, but I'm not sure which if any are Don. I also found my parents. My Dad has lived in the same house for years, so the listing I found for him is current, you can even get a satellite picture of the area he lives in. My Mom is listed at 2 old addresses. She lives with Dad now though. I'm going back to look for other people, some of them I'll tell about this so they can remove themselves from the list, even though that might not do much good. I was directed to this site by The Zero Boss.

Another, My child is a slow talker post.

According to the Doctor and all the literature I can find about when children should start talking, how much they should be saying at what age, Aidan falls within the average range. At the later end of it, but still average. However, compared to the kids we know that are his age, he seems to be pretty far behind. These other kids say complete sentences that are easy to understand. Aidan does say a few sentences, such as "Here you go." and "I see baby." He says Hi, up, down, kitty, bite, baby, hello, one, two, three, bye-bye, excuse me, and thank-you. He uses them all correctly, except for baby which he uses to describe other children or pets. He knows which way is up and which way is down. He counts one, two, three. He knows that letters are what you read and write. (He will point at the letters in a book or on a paper I'm writing on and says A, B, C.) He has been whispering since he was 16 months old.

Maybe he has just been focusing on other things, like learning how to climb and sleeping in a big boy bed. He is still bigger than average for his age, in the 75 th percentile. He understands almost everything we say to him. He usually follows directions, with 2 or 3 parts to them. He is very loving to us and to our pets. His favorite people outside of our little nuclear family are Howards cousin Jim and his wife Buna. We decided to call Jim "Uncle Jimmy" and Buna "Aunt Buna" as a respect kind of thing, like southern family's do with adult friends. He knows who they are when we talk about them. I don't know, maybe I'm just overly worried. Maybe I should just relax, don't try to push him or anything, I just keep talking to him about things, using the same simple words for things every time. I hope that by modeling the words he will learn them like he has learned to say "Excuse me." when he burps, and "Thank-you." when someone gives him something. Am I over concerned?

Social awareness.

I've been thinking about something Allen said when he was here in November. He mentioned that he remembered growing up being aware of social issues, having opinions and beliefs about them. And now he is active in his support of those issues he feels strongly about. He said that he had told someone that he had been raised socially aware, but not socially active. I've been think about that off and on ever since.

I remember worrying about how other people thought about me. I didn't want to do anything that would make me un-likeable. I was also very aware of my parents and I always tried not to disappoint them. I didn't want them to be upset with me. So I didn't do anything about the social issues that might get me into trouble. Later, when I grew up, I had kids that I felt I needed to protect and care for. I thought that I needed to make sure that I was never taken from them because of something I did. So no protests for me. Allen probably didn't know about the letter writing and phone calling I did, or the boycotts I participated in. But I felt that I just couldn't risk loosing my kids, I couldn't imagine how they would be raised if their dad got custody.

Even later, once they were grown, I got more involved in things. But by then I'd lost contact and didn't know what was going on. Oh, and living in Salem Oregon doesn't exactly present many opportunities, and my budget has always been rather tight so going out of town wasn't an option. You would think that now that I'm in California, there would be more things to be involved in, but it seems I've landed in the middle of the most conservative part of California. I'd have to drive 2 hours to get anywhere of interest. My budget is still tight so I'm kind of stuck.

My attitude has changed, however. I feel supported by Howard, and I think that he would support me in anything I would want to do, even if he didn't feel the same way. I know that Aidan would be safe even if I got arrested, so if I ever happened to get the money and knew about something I wanted to give my support to, I could do anything I felt was appropriate. I'm still worried about Aidan and Allen and Christopher, and how my actions will effect them. I'm just less afraid now. Partly because Allen and Christopher are grown up and their Dad can't mess them up, and partly because I think I finally feel that I can be myself and that's ok.

Illness and creativity.

Things have been very strange, health wise, for me the last few of days. I didn't feel well on Monday, but I was feeling a lot better on Tuesday. Wednesday I was sick again, but Thursday I was only a little sleepy. Today I'm feeling yucky again. One good thing about this on and off sickness, I have been able to keep the house in fairly good order. It always looks messy, because of all the stuff we have. However, usually when I get sick the whole place goes to pot in just a day or two. Piles of dishes, Aidan's toys all over the floor, dirty cloths almost every where. Not to mention the dirt that tends to get tracked in everyday. Yesterday I was able to get all the dishes washed, sweep the living room and kitchen, and get all the dirty cloths into the hampers. So today I can just lay around and relax.

I'm feeling the need to be creative again. Now all I have to do find something to do. Maybe I'll check out the beading supplies I have and see if there are enough beads in enough colors to make a project. Or maybe I'll try my hand at drawing again. Whatever I do it will have to involve the supplies I already have because right now I can't afford to get new stuff.

The past comes back to bite you in the seat.

Why is it that the past can not remain in the past? If, for nearly 7 years, someone works hard to clean up their life, to stay out of trouble, wouldn't you expect that person to get a break? What if the "crimes" that appear on the background report were either driving related, such as driving with out insurance, and driving while suspended, and a dismissed misdemeanor? Wouldn't you expect that person to be able to get a job? Would a warrant for non payment of fines cause you to not hire someone? Well Cingular Wireless took Howard's background check and decided not to hire him, they didn't call but just told him when he reported for his first day. They say that it's because of the warrant, and that he didn't tell them everything on his record. They also told him that they were looking for felonys. He only has a couple of misdemeanor offences, one of which was dismissed. I don't understand why they couldn't call us before today. I'm pissed off that things that happened over 7 years ago are being used against him, and I'm so sad that Howard feels that no matter how hard he tries it doesn't matter. If not for Aidan, I think he would slip back into the drinking everyday, back to the wild party guy he was before he met me.

I am hoping that we can get the warrant lifted, and pay the fines a little at a time. Our budget can't take much right now, but I'm thinking we can come up with $25 a month at least for a little while. It will take 3 years at that rate, but maybe he can get a job and we can make bigger payments. I think that the background check only goes back about 7 or maybe 8 years. In which case, in a few months everything except for a few driving while suspended will be off. I hope that with the warrant lifted, and the old misdemeanors off the public record he will have a better chance of getting a job. He wants so much to be a responsible Daddy with a decent job to support his son. It's truly amazing how much Aidan has changed Howard's world view. I have heard that Howard changed quite a bit after he met me as well. So now he has a reason to be good, and he feels that no matter what he does he can not get ahead. I wish that there was something I could do to help him feel better. I'm feeling really helpless, distressed, sad, and I'm worried about Howard. I don't think he will do anything wrong, but he might get a little depressed.

Ok, I've rambled on enough for now. I needed to get it all out, thanks.

A closer look at Aidan using an old laptop. 

Aidan using an old laptop. 

Spring holidays, the house, my health and creativity.

Well, Easter came and went. This year there was very little hoopla. Last year there was a family barbecue, this year nothing. So we colored eggs, and let Aidan look for them. Well, we actually kind of forced him to look for them. He was not very interested in it at all. He wanted to eat them though, so we peeled one and he walked around the yard with it in his hand. It got dropped several times until I finally took it away and gave it to the dog.

So far there has been no news about the bigger house. I can't wait to get out of this one. I'm hoping that the deal will still go through. It would be so nice to have something go right finally. I think it's about time that our lives took a turn for the better. We've been at the bottom for almost 3 years now.

I've lost 5 pounds since I started to see the health educator. (I think its 4 or 5 months now.) Not a lot of weight, but a start. I'm making slow progress in reducing the amount of food I eat. I have noticed a difference. For example I used to eat 3 or 4 tacos (taco bell or home made) and now I feel over full with only 2! I'm reducing the amount of sugar and fat that I eat, but I know that I can't suddenly give up my favorite foods. So instead I'm trying to make some of my favorite things with more healthy ingredients. I bake with less sugar, and use splenda whenever possible. I've been looking for more healthy cooking oils, and using less fat of any kind all together. I haven't been walking as much as I should, partly because of my healing ribs and partly because I am so heavy walking puts a lot of stress on my back. I am out of shape, of course, but I've noticed that as the pounds slowly fade away I can walk faster and longer. No one but me will notice the difference, but I do notice and it's encouraging. I still have almost half my body weight to loose, but I think I can at least see the way.

I started to do some editing on the pictures we took while in Oregon. I had cropped them down and had some of them printed. Unfortunately some of them didn't print out well because they were/are off size. So now I have to re-crop them to either 8x10, 5x7 or 4x6 standard size so I can have prints made. I'd do them on my printer but it's not high enough quality for that and we are out of ink. I've also heard that home prints don't last as long. So I'm going to try to do some scrapbooking soon. I have done some digital scrapbooking lately. It's not the same as the ones I've made with real paper, but in some ways it's better. Because you can resize the pictures to fit the layout, you can change the color of your papers, frames, and other decorations, and journaling is quicker. But I don't like it as well either, because I don't have a real page to look at. Even though I could print the page it wouldn't be the same. It's fun though. Now all I have to do is figure out how to share them with people.

Theories of raising children.

I've just been over to The Zero Boss, where he has been talking about a book written by a couple called The Pearls. I checked out this link and read some of what they have published there. I've heard that there are people who are doing what the Pearls suggest, they are "training up children". Some of the methods taught might seem to be perfectly rational and reasonable, but on deeper thought they are seriously flawed. There is a story about a little girl, under a year old, who loved to climb the stairs. Did the Mother and Father, I hesitate to call them parents, put up a gate to protect their child? No, they took a willow switch and "switched" her little legs every time they caught her on the stairs. This little girl was about 4 months old. Then they put the switch on the steps to remind her that she would be switched if she climbed the stairs again. It worked, she didn't climb the stairs any more. Did she learn to obey her parents? I don't think so, I think she learned to fear the switchings and that fear extended to her parents.

I've discovered that spanking doesn't work very well. All it does is teach kids to fear their parents, and that hitting is an acceptable way to deal with people who don't follow the rules. Once kids get older they would choose spanking over being grounded for the week-end most of the time. Because it's over so much quicker. (I know that there are parents who beat their kids badly enough that they feel the pain for days after. That is not what I'm talking about, when I say spanking I mean a few swats with an open hand on the child's clothed bottom.)

I may not be the best Mother in the world, I've used spanking from time to time. I've been inconsistent with punishment. But I always tried to be there for my kids, I always tried to let them know how much I loved them. And somehow they turned out to be pretty good men. Not perfect, by any means, but they are loving and intelligent men. I am trying to do better with Aidan, I hope I learned something from my experiences with Christopher and Allen. I know I have and will make mistakes, but hopefully not the same ones I already made.

My theory about raising children, even though I don't always follow through with it, is fairly simple. Protect babies and small children from getting hurt by either removing things from their reach, or by blocking access to those things. Once a child can understand things you can tell them "No" when they reach for some thing they can't have. Explain why they can't have it. "It's hot and could burn you." "It's glass and will break easily." "It's not yours." It might not work the first few times, because the child hasn't quite grasped the full concept, but the older a child gets the easier it is to help them understand why something is wrong. Having a place where the child can sit, away from the action, and think about what happened can be helpful too. Some things, such as politeness and respect are best taught through example. If you say please and thank you, excuse me and I'm sorry, your child will pick up on it and start using those phrases too. When you treat others including you child with respect, your child learns to treat others with respect as well. Children will occasionally push their limits, it's a normal thing. I try to remain firm and consistent about those limits, but I'm afraid that I'm not always. Find logical consequences for behaviors, both good and bad. Older kids can sometimes be involved in deciding what consequences fit best for what behaviors. Stick to the consequences once you have developed them. This is hard sometimes, kids will react more strongly to the more meaningful consequences, and it's easy to give in and do something else.

There are probably as many ways to raise kids as there are parents. I just don't believe that beating a child into submission is the choice.

The passing of my young adulthood.

I just read that one of my favorite authors, one of the first writers whose name I remembered even after I had finished the book, I think she may have even been one of the first fantasy/sci-fi writers I had ever read, has died. Andre Norton was like a gift to the young woman, hungry for adventure, that I was some 25 or so years ago. My youngest brother, Mark, can be credited for starting me on the adventures I found in her books. (Thanks little brother.) I was probably older than many of her avid readers, I think I was about 20, but I needed those books in the same way that those teen age boys needed them. I was a young stay at home mom feeling bored and overwhelmed with my daily life. Reading became a way to cope, a way to take a break from that life. For the most part I enjoyed my life, but now and then I wondered what I was missing. Reading allowed me to have adventures while taking care of my child and home. I'd like to thank Andre Norton and all the other writers I have spent time with for helping people like me to get a fun, interesting break from our mundane lives.

Tiredness, tea and health

I don't know why I'm so tired these last few days. I want to take a nap, but Aidan hasn't been napping for the last 3 or 4 days. We moved him into a twin sized bed and he won't stay in bed during the day. He goes to bed just fine at night, but naps are out. Maybe he will get back into it later. I hope so.

I got the samples of Adagio tea a few days ago I got a 4 pack of herbal teas. They are mostly for Howard, I drink coffee most of the time. He likes all but one of them. I guess they haven't been as good with their customer service as they should be though. Over on Zero Boss, he's posted about his experience with them. Their representative actually posted in the comments, he comes off kind of rude. Things went fine for me, but I"m not sure if I'll ever order from them. I want their ingenuiTEA Set because it looks like it would help making tea easier, and it looks cool. LOL

My ribs are almost completely healed now. Thank goodness! It's allergy season here, yesterday my nose started that itchy - tickly feeling it gets during this time of year. I sneezed a lot, when my allergy pills wore off. If this had started a couple of weeks ago it would have been very painful, now it's only a little bit uncomfortable.

What I miss about my life without children.

There's been a discussion over on Metro Dad about the things parents miss about their pre childed lives. I think that I miss adult conversation the most. Because I'm a Stay-at-home-Mom I don't talk to anyone but Aidan most of the day. The first 3 hours that Howard is home is spent with Aidan, and then he is usually catching up on his e-mail and stuff. We do talk, but it's usually about Aidan or our family stuff. Important stuff to be sure, but not the stimulating conversion I used to have when I spent all day with Adults. We do have conversations on an adult level, they are just kind of infrequent. You know?

There have been days that I wondered if I made a mistake when I had my kids. When I wondered if I could manage to raise them to adulthood without major damage to them or to me. I have sometimes felt like they would be better off living somewhere else, away from me. Sometimes that happened when they were having particularity bad days. I can, of course, remember Aidan's bad days easier than Allen's or Christopher's. Sometimes they were MY bad days that caused those thoughts. It wasn't until Allen and Christopher grew into their teen years that I wondered if they were doing it on purpose. Until then I always wondered what I had done wrong, why couldn't I understand what they needed? Because I didn't believe that children misbehave to be mean to their parents.

I love my boys, they are my whole life. I enjoy spending time with them, I feel lucky to know them. Oh there were times, and I'm sure there will be more, when I didn't like them very much. And once they were old enough to understand the difference I told them so. "I will always love you with all my heart, but today, because of how you are behaving, I don't like you very much." Was that a bad thing to say to them? I don't think so. I'd have to ask them if they were hurt by that.

I am very happy that I decided to have each of my three sons in my life. I'd never trade my life now with a life with out them. No, it's not easy to be a parent of a toddler, or a teenager, or even an adult. You always worry about them, and hurt for them when things go bad. But I, personally, enjoy being a Mom. I can still have adult conversations, if given the chance. I can still read any books I want to, and I can still enjoy the arts and crafts I like to do, I just have to arrange my schedule to fit them in. And for me that is fine.

Saddness, anger and guilt.

Today I'm feeling, guilty, sad, frustrated, and stressed in turns. Early yesterday morning my Mother-in-law passed away. It seems that she stopped taking her medication for her liver just after she came home from a trip with her church choir at Christmas. We don't know why she stopped taking it, or wasn't taking it correctly. She knew that if she needed it, and couldn't pay for it, someone would get it for her. Part of me thinks she did it to get sick so that she could guilt her sons into a reconciliation. I really hope that isn't what happened.

We talked to the funeral home today. It was decided to have her cremated so that someone could take her to Oregon and bury her ashes with her husband. The Memorial will be on Thursday at her church, the final arrangements haven't been made yet but it will probably be around 11 AM or so, with a BBQ at Donny's afterward for the family.

Part of me is relieved that we won't have to deal with her any more. She was not an easy person to know. I feel very guilty for feeling that way. I'm sad that Howard has lost his Mother and that Aidan has lost his Grandma. I'm stressed and frustrated with all the details and the interpersonal relations in this family. I'll be glad when it's all over so that we can get back to normal, what ever that is. I feel guilty for that too. I'm angry that she died the way she did, because Howard feels guilty about it.

Thank you, everyone, for being here for me.