Tuesday, November 16, 2004

An explanation of my love.

My husband, Howard, and I are so different in so many ways that I'm sure people wonder why we are together. I've been thinking of this a lot lately. Probably because of Allen's visit.

Some of the differences are:
  1. His family is Lower Middle Class, and mine is Upper Middle to Lower Upper Class. This shows up most strongly in our language usage and our attitudes about education.
  2. He was a bully of sorts in school, I tried to not be noticed.
  3. He got into a lot of trouble, I seldom did things that would get me in trouble.
  4. He drank and did drugs a lot when he was younger, I was never that interested in them and didn't know where to get drugs even if I wanted to.
  5. He was in the Military, I'm a "Peace-ifist".
  6. People say he is Rude and Crude, and while I may have my moments no one has said that of me.
  7. He is bold and adventurous, I'd rather stay at home and be safe and warm.

I hope that I can explain clearly enough why I love him so very much.

When we first met it was Lust at first sight. I was instantly attracted to him on a purely physical level. We spent almost every day and night together for 2 weeks after that. I felt well taken care of. He asked me to marry him then. I agreed, but decided on a date 2 years in the future. We moved in together and right away I could see how much I needed him. I hate discord, and I never "rock the boat", but I needed to get some control over the young people who where staying in my apartment. I loved them all, they were friends of my two sons and were like my own kids in a lot of ways, but they didn't do chores, and they didn't do anything else to help out either. Howard took charge, because I couldn't, and set down some rules. Those who couldn't or wouldn't follow those rules left. My life was so much easier after that.

When there were emotional things I had to go through, such as the death of my Grandmother, he was there to allow me to fall apart, to cry and mourn. Until then I had always felt that I needed to be strong for others, that I couldn't cry and fall apart. It's so comforting to know that I could allow myself to be weak and to know that he still loved me and would be there to help me pick up the pieces.

No matter what it is that I want to do, Howard is supportive of it. He will do anything he can to help me do what I want to do. He may not agree with it, but he will still do what he can to help me. For example: He took the whole week off when Allen came to visit to make sure that we didn't have to worry about getting him to school or home. He also will work extra for Jimmy to pay for the trips over to San Francisco.

There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me as he has never loved anyone else. He is changing his language, cleaning it up so to speak. Part of that is because of Aidan, but even before Aidan was born he was using fewer curse words and the off handed way he sometimes used slurs had already started to change. He is less judgmental about other people now than he was before. This is because he knows it bothers me and is making an effort to curb it so as not to cause me any discomfort. He tries to keep things at least polite when talking with people I care about. He even kept the testosterone levels down while Allen was here, both of them were very nice and polite with each other. (Thank you Allen.)

I have also grown. I'm much more likely to stand up for myself than I was before. I feel free to say or do what I feel is the right thing and I don't worry so much about how others will feel about me when I do. I have far to go but I know that he will be there to help me up if I fall, and that he will let me fall sometimes because I need to learn from it.

I feel loved and cherished in every way. My heart still skips a beat when I see Howard or hear his voice. Our sex life is still interesting even after 7 years. (Howard's longest relationship before me was just over 1 year.) I'd rather be with him at home than anywhere else without him. I know that if I do have to go somewhere without him he will be at home when I get back. He is a wonderful Daddy for Aidan, he is showing a soft side that most people don't know about. He respects me even when he disagrees with me.

I'm not trying to say that everything is easy or that we always get along. We disagree a lot of the time, sometimes we debate the subject. We fuss and fight with each other just like other people do. It seldom goes farther than a few angry words. And the few times that one of us actually hurt the others feelings we were able to discuss it later and figure out why and how so we wouldn't do it again.

I could wish for more money, a bigger house, more things. But I don't think I could get much happier.


Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's no nice to hear these kind of things, and to see how much you appreciate the gifts in your life.

I have to say, though, that I freaked out a little when you said seven years. Of course, I then remembered Xander is almost six even though it doesn't seem like it could possibly have been so long. Wow.

the girl

Messed up Mama said...

Thank you. And I agree, it doesn't seem like it could have been so long already. Xander is getting so grown up! I really miss watching him grow. But I know he has wonderful parents, who I miss very much as well.