Friday, August 13, 2004

Friday the 13th.

All my remembered life, Friday the 13th has been my lucky day. Or at least not an unlucky day as much of the rest of the world seems to think it is. {shrug}

I was thinking about yesterdays entry. Thinking about why I feel the way I do about what people think of me. I believe that it's largely because I'm never sure I'm good enough. I am attracted to very intelligent people, and while I know that I'm not stupid I still feel that I'm not in their league. Some times I know that I've avoided certain subjects so I can't really discuss them. Then I will begin the thought process that goes something like this:

I don't know anything about this subject, why didn't I read the paper or do some research on that?
Because I didn't take the time out of my own little life to see the larger picture.
Why isn't it important to me to know these things?
Because I'm not smart enough to see beyond myself and my family. Or maybe I'm just too selfish.

I end up just listening, because I have nothing to offer.
I know that in reality, when I'm actually with my friends, it's not really as bad as all that. I do have a lot to say, there are things I know about, issues that I'm interested in and have read about or experienced, but I still feel somewhat less intelligent than most of my friends. My kids are more aware than I am too, but I feel proud of that fact. The fact that they surpass me is a very good thing. I at least raised them with open minds and I hope they have more confidence in their intelligence than I do in mine.

This got a little run on, and might have lost cohesion. But I'm going to leave it as it is, an example of the way my mind will skitter around.

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