Monday, August 16, 2004

On the Outside looking in.

I've never been part of the "group". There was always something that kept me on the outside.

I married young, I was the first in my small group of friends to get married. This kept me out of the dating scene, the single woman out on the town like some of my friends.

I had my children before they had their's, so when they were doing things together as childless couples I was at home with my kids. (I wouldn't change this if I could, my kids are great, I'm glad I had them when I did.)

Then they had babies and my kids were older. They were doing the things Moms with babies do together.

I didn't have much support so I took my kids with me almost anywhere I went. Which meant not being as involved in things as I would have liked.

When I was got divorced, they were all still married, when I remarried some of them got divorced.

Then my friends moved away, and I found myself with a new group of friends, all of them younger than I am. And again I was outside because of my age and my half grown kids. I know that it was never intentional, they didn't exclude me on purpose, but my age, my kids and my already established marriage kept me separate from them.

I sometimes envy their closeness. I sometimes regret that I couldn't really join in and be part of their lives as I would have wanted to. Mostly I am sad that the best choices in my life, to have my kids and to keep them with me most of the time, are also the choices that have kept me from developing deep lasting relationships with some of the most interesting, intelligent, amazing people in the world.

I don't feel sorry for myself, so please don't feel badly if you are one of my friends. I decided that my kids, my family were more important than anything else. It was my choice, not yours.

I don't know why I wanted to write this post, maybe to clear my mind or to let you in on a part of myself that I usually keep hidden. Anyway there it is.


Jennifer said...

I know how you feel, partly at least. I've written about this feeling on and off for a while now, so at least I can post this and tell you that you are not alone. :)

Messed up Mama said...

Thank you. I have been reading your blog for awhile now, I think that something you posted recently helped me to be able to post the last couple of entries. I am not sure what it was any more, I could go back and re-read to find the exact thing, but I don't think that's important. It seems like alot of my favorite bloggers are doing some self examination these days.

the girl said...

I've been appreciating your decision to share more of what's on your mind. I guess although I felt as close to you as anyone and of course still love you dearly, I always assumed there was a lot happening in your head that you weren't telling me.