Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Phone calls that bring up the past.

Allen called me last night. We talked about many things but the one that stuck with me was about his father and that side of the family. I guess that his Dad's brother, Russell, likes to pretend that Christopher and Allen don't exist. His kids have never heard of them. It's so strange. And it's too bad because they are missing out on special people. I try not to say bad things about their Dad to my older sons. I wanted them to decide on their own what kind of person he was. But he was and is a man who likes to control the lives of other people, and yet he is probably still a Mama's boy. He couldn't make any decisions with out asking her. It hurts me that my sons, especially Allen, were hurt by those people. I wish I could have protected them from that. But I couldn't do that, they had to know their Dad and his family. Emotional abuse comes easy for them, as does rejection. They turned their backs on Allen, when he needed them the most.

Don, Allen and Christopher's Father, needed someone to be at fault when anything went wrong. That's why we didn't go to more than one Marriage councilor session. She wouldn't tell him whose fault it was that our marriage wasn't working. He needed to know who was at fault when Christopher was diagnosed with Disgraphia (similar to Dislexia but involving writing), hyper sensitivity to touch (His skin literally feels touches more intensely than average people), and a problem with authority. He needed to know who did what to cause Allen to have the problems he had in school, ADD, oppositional disorder, and an ability to press the buttons of almost any adult. Actually I believe he wanted someone to tell him that I was a bad Mother, that I raised them wrong, or did something to them so that they had these problems. I don't think he would have believed it if they had said that their problems were based in HIS interactions with them or his lack of interaction.

I wasn't a good wife for Don, I didn't keep the house like his Mother did, and I wanted to spend time with my friends. I never rebelled against my parents, so I think I might have rebelled against him some how. I didn't like having to justify spending money to get the kids shoes or cloths, when he was spending hundreds on ham radio equipment, so I would lie to him, or take money out of his wallet. In the end I knew that I didn't love him any more, but I would have stayed and tried to work things out if he had been willing to try. Instead he wanted a separation, I told him that if I moved out I would not come back. He didn't believe me. He even told my friends that I would come crawling back to him under his terms. {Sigh}

For Allen and Christopher's sake I wish they could have had a better father. But they turned out OK anyway. I'm proud of them.


the girl said...

Well, darling, this is all water under the bridge, eh? So try not to let it drown you.

What is "oppositional disorder"?

the girl said...

Oh, and I love you. I should remind you of that.

Messed up Mama said...

Yes it is. I was reminded of it all last night while talking to Allen. Usually I don't even think of my ex in-laws or my ex husband.

Oppositional disorder, is an emotional, mental disorder which sets Chris up to feel like he is in opposition with other people, usually authority figures and people who are close to him. Some people see it as Christopher always wanting to debate the littlest issues. He has learned to control it to some degree, it's not a serious problem for him any more.

I love you too. :)

Solomon said...

I've known Allen since he was 8, and I never had thought of him as a button pusher. Or even an arguer, really. Interesting.

Messed up Mama said...

With Allen the OD isn't very strong. His shows up with teachers and other authority figures more than regular people. He always liked to discuss even the tiniest details of things, with me it was the details to do with the rules and the consequences of breaking them. It appeared as if he wanted to distract me from the main point of our discussion.

You were lucky if he never pushed your buttons or if you never witnessed it. But then, Solomon, you always had a different relationship with Allen than any other person he has ever known. Even when he was younger you and he clicked on a different level than the rest of us. I don't know how friendly that relationship was all the time, I just know that his behavior was different when you were there.