Tuesday, March 02, 2004

A begining

It's interesting how much has changed in my life in just a year and, almost, a half. Back then I was a childless 42 year old woman, well not exactly childless but without children in the house. I was babysitting a wonderful little boy for his equally wonderful mother. I was happily going about my life in a town I'd lived in for 15 years. I had a few really good friends and several additional "kids". Now I'm a stay at home mom of a one year old little boy, a boy that I love as if he were my own flesh and blood but who isn't really mine. I hope I can adopt him someday. I no longer live in my comfortable town, and I have no friends around me. All the "kids" are still back in that town and I no longer hear from most of them. Sometimes I feel very alone. I miss Elijah and Jennifer, Nicole and Xander, Allen, Chris, Megan, Molly, Gina, Mikey and Sara.

I feel like I'm getting a second chance at some parts of my life. I'm a new Mom again, and it feels almost like the first time. I'm in wonder at how perfect this little one is. My heart is filled with love for him, like it was with Allen and Chris. It's wonderful when people comment on how cute he is, and how much he looks like me. I'm sure you can guess at how that makes me smile.

I need to make a new start with my brother Cody as well. He is a grown man, a great father, and a loving husband. And I hardly know him. I wish I still had my car so I could go to visit him more often. He lives only about an hour away, and I've been to see him 5 times since I've been in California. 2 of those times were for kids parties, and one was the day we arrived in his town.

I also need to figure out how to find some new friends. It's hard when you don't have a car to get anywhere, have a baby, and don't have a job or classes in which to meet new people. I kind of know my neighbors, but it's that "Hello, how are you?" "How's the baby?" "How's the Puppy?" kind of relationship. I've never been able to open up to people unless they open up first. I'm afraid. Afraid they might judge me. Afraid that if they knew some of the more important aspects of my life, religion, sexuality, or political leanings, they would dislike me, maybe even hate me. Afraid that some of them may be crazy enough to even want to hurt me. I've been this way for so long I don't know how to change it.

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