Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Today started out really good. I got up quickly and was able to make breakfast before taking Howard to his classes. Lately I've just laid around until 7 and then have to hurry to get Aidan ready to leave. We had plenty of time to eat and relax before we had to leave. But after I dropped Howard off thing went a little haywire. The truck I'm driving now has a gas gauge that does not work correctly. It read that I had 1/8 of a tank of gas, and then the truck started to sputter and then it died. I have to remember that the gauge is off. It took an hour for help to get to me, and by then Aidan was screaming and crying because he was tired and needed to get home for a nap. (One cute thing happened during the wait though, a police woman stopped to check on us. Aidan loves to flirt with women, any size, shape, color or age. And he turned on the charm full blast for this police officer. She gave him a teddy bear, he promptly gave the bear a kiss and a bit hug, completely melting her heart. Not that she was hard or cold, but you could see the differance.) I hope the rest of the day goes along easier.

I am trying to work on some things about myself. I'm getting better at not letting people walk all over me, it's hard though. It's part of the whole don't rock the boat thing. I'm sure that not being able to express my true emotions, not being able to be mad, or sad, or to disagree strongly with others is also related to that. But there is more to it than that, I'm still looking for the root. Because it's easier to fix a problem when you know why you have it. There are other things I'm interested in finding the root cause for. My problem with haveing my arms pinned to my side, for example. It's a real fear, I panic strongly. There are other strange reactions I have to things that shouldn't be. I hope I can find the reasons so I can work on getting rid of the behaviors or reactions. I have Howard to thank for the beginnings of this, I have always felt able to break down with him. I don't feel I have to be strong for him. It's wonderful to be able to be myself with someone. I've spent most of my life hiding my true self from everyone, at least one aspect of myself. It's odd that here, in California, where I feel even more pressure to hide, I'm working on opening up some. I think there will always be things I don't feel comfortable shareing with some people. For example, my religion, the concervitive Christian folks I know will never see that side of me.

No comments: